Don't Call It a Comeback.

Sometimes something needs to stay gone.

At times, some people like to fool themselves into thinking that certain things have comeback into fashion.  These were the idiots sporting mullets a few years back, and will likely come up with some sort of retired porn-star Burt Reynolds mustache to ride 'stylishly' into the future (probably while drinking PBR).  However, much like the mullet, or any form of rat-tail, these people were and are wrong.  That doesn’t mean that all comebacks are in the wrong.  I was all for the return of bell-bottoms.

Some comebacks involve words and slang, not all of which deserve a comeback (see: Bad Language for examples of slang that should go away NOW and stay gone).  Sometimes it can even be a person that makes a comeback, like Bill Murray or the Ninja Turtles.  And sometimes, people attempting a comeback should cease and desist, like that bizarre mixture of the New Kids and the Backstreet Boys, where I’m pretty sure they added in a few extra people from a random Sears catalogue photo shoot.  

So how can we tell the difference between a good comeback and a bad comeback, you ask, quite annoyingly?  Usually you can’t until it’s too late.  Something can seem like a good idea for a comeback on paper, like Indiana Jones, but end up being bad idea jeans, like Indiana Jones and the Crystal Wiener Schnitzel or whatever.  To be completely frank, it takes an innate sense of awesome to know what is the shit, and what is just shit, when it comes to comebacks.

Now, we all have fantasy island comebacks, in the back of our minds, you know, something that you desperately wish would come back into the now and be the norm again, like hearing good music on the radio, or there being television shows that aren’t centered on insane people with plastic boobies and/or questionable morals.  Hell, I’ve even argued about trying to make certain expressions make a comeback (see: Express Yourself).  But when a truly random nostalgia wave hits, and something like Pog starts coming back into popularity, you need to be able to declare whether or not you should jump on the bandwagon, or boycott it completely.  Incidentally if people start buying Pogs or Beany Babies again, take my advice, and do not jump on that particular bandwagon.  The same goes for those hideously frightening Troll dolls.

Anyways, in order to help you hone your skills, I will list a few examples that, should they try to make a comeback, you absolutely should not get on board with, and you can use that as a sort of blueprint for any kind of fashion / culture / food / expression / bullshit thing that may come up between now and forever as an attempted comeback.  Well hopefully not forever.  I assume in the afterlife, there isn’t really any use for this talent, and that there will no longer be any kind of cyclical trendy caca poopoo.  I’m kind of hoping that we’re all bald, wearing the same one piece robe or unitard, and speaking in rhyme.  All the time.  And I’ll finally stop hearing people say “Like us on Facebook”.

So, if you were to see any of the following examples actually attempting a comeback, you must do everything in your power to prevent it from happening.  Do not get on board.  Also, let me know about it, because it would mean that I am at least part psychic, and that would be pretty rad.  I would totally join the Psychic Friends Network (which also should not be allowed to make a comeback).

Hitchhiking across the land.

Because no story that starts with “He was holding a sign that said Headin' West” has ever had a happy ending.

Macauley Culkin and the like.

Trust me on this one, Neil Patrick Harris is the exception to the rule.  Child stars need to stay gone.  Yeah, I’m talking to you too, kid from Sixth Sense and those weird looking kids from Home Improvement.

Pot Pourri.

Honestly, you don’t much hear about Pot Pourri anymore, which is good, because it translates to rotten pot, and needs to stay gone.

Commercials about preventing static cling.

I don’t know if static cling still exists or not (or ever did) as a terrible day to day issue in the world, but the commercials need to stay gone.  I am so happy to not see commercials where a woman gets to work and has a sock stuck to her ass.  That would never happen.  I’m all for suspending my disbelief, but that’s just crazy.  I'm sure static cling would be awful, if it were real.  On the subject of advertising, I also didn’t care much for those ‘Head and Shoulders’ commercials either where there’s a dude who’s all: 

“… but you don’t have dandruff-” 

“EXACTLY!”

I would, however, like to see that same ad campaign applied to ‘Preparation H’.  Because the situation where one person has, not only the knowledge, but the nerve to say to the other:

“… but you don’t have hemhorroids-“

“EXACTLY!” 

is just very absurd to me, and funny.  Shit, I’d buy it.

Incredibly pointy shoes.

I’m sure there are people out there still wearing them, but hopefully, their pointy tips are helping them trip and fall on a busy staircase somewhere, far far away from here.  Imagine getting kicked in the nuts by one of those things?  Jesus.

Saying something is ‘Money’.

I liked ‘Swingers’, but enough is enough.   Dear dudes out there, no, you are not actually Mikey and T, the sooner you recognize, the better we will all be.  It feels like it finally has mostly sunken in, and that you don’t hear this much anymore, and that’s good.  Do me a favor and keep it that way.

McDonald’s Pizza.

Can you believe that it even held on as long as it did the first time around?  I kind of wish Ronald and his entire dizzying array of emergency-diarrhea inducing food would pack it in for good, but I realize that isn’t happening ever.  The least that we can do is make sure they never try pizza again.

Chicken Soup books.

No explanation necessary. 

I could go one for a while, especially if I started listing people that shouldn’t make a comeback, but I think with these examples you get an idea of what to steer clear of.  I could even go on listing people and things that need to go away right now, and then subsequently never make a comeback, but again, then we would be here forever.

So, if you get anything from reading this, it should be that not all comebacks are created equal, and that you need to be careful out there.  Now, take what you have learned and apply it in all of life.  Remember, only YOU can prevent shitty things from making comebacks.  Or forest fires.

That’s it.  I need to go acid wash my jeans.

More Bad Language.

I've never really liked the expression ‘buzz word’.  And ‘buzz word’ is kind of a buzz word in itself.   Honestly, fuck any snooty word that works on multiple levels like that.  You may think that I would like that kind of thing, but, surprisingly, I don’t.  You know who likes buzz words, and saying “buzz word”?  The same people that say Happy Tuesday (see: Celebrate Good Times? Come On).  These can sometimes be the same people that say ‘[BLANK] is in the hoOOoouuuuse’.  Sometimes they may say ‘hizzle’ or ‘heezie’.    Sometimes they even go the extra mile and shorten it to ‘hiz’, as in “Douchebag in the hizzz.”

Honestly, if anyone follows any type of ‘shizzle’, ‘hizzle’ or ‘drizzle’ with ‘my nizzle’, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal not to kick them in the nuts and/or muff (unfortunately, even hermaphrodites are sometimes guilty of this) and then run over their foot with a motor scooter (for increased humiliation).  The same goes for ‘da bomb’, ‘dope’, ‘fresh’ or ‘tight’.

Yes, I do realize that often times these expressions are spoken in an attempt at ironic humor, like “check me out, I’m lame, it’s so lame that it’s funny”.  It’s not.  That angle is played.  So played.

These are the same people that do ‘air quotes’.

If you don’t stop them now, they will keep repeating these atrocities the way that modern restaurants repeat the word chipotle.

“The Chipotle Pizza is prepared with a blend of chipotled chiplote cheeses and generously topped with chipotlish chipotles of chipotley chipotle.  The chipotle sauce, is to chipotle for.”

I think you are starting to understand the type of people and expressions that I mean.  Almost everything that people like this will say, should not be said.  Watch an episode of 'Jersey Shore' and you'll get what I am saying.  Scratch that, please don't watch an episode of 'Jersey Shore'.  And anyways, I have discussed these types of expressions and people previously (see: Bad Language).  At that time, however, I really only scratched the surface.

The following is a continuation, an addendum if you will, of a couple more things to absolutely never say anymore, and to discourage everyone else in the universe from ever saying.  These tend to be said by anyone and everyone, not just people that look to Snooki as the voice of their generation.  So read carefully, take note, and prepare to make some changes.

Foodie.

I don’t understand why this has become so popular, and how it has managed to propagate and become so widely used.  The first time that I heard it, I assumed it was some kind of group of people with a weird sex fetish.  You know people that like to bang each other with strap on submarine sandwiches or make love to a pizza bagel or something?  But no, it’s people who just like food, and feel that they like it enough that, somehow, they need to distinguish themselves from the rest of us, who also like food.

Is this where we’re at?  Making up creative names to categorize us for qualities that come naturally to every human / animal / organism?  How shitty is the non-eating section of your life that you’re defining yourself by something that we all do, innately, for survival?

“I love eating, I’m a Foodie.”
“Oh well, I like food too, so, doesn’t that make me a Foodie too?”
“NO!  I WANT TO BE SPECIAL! I NEED TO BE SPECIAL! YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL LIKE ME!”

I got news for you, we all like food.  You’re not special.  Honestly, what’s next?

“I’m an Airy.  I don’t know what I would do without breathing.  I mean, I just can’t live without my air.”
“Yeah… that sort of goes for all of us.”
“No, but I’m special, I know a lot about breathing.  More than you.  I know where the best air in the city is.  By the way, I’m a Watery too.”
“Yeah, so’s my cat.  He peepees and poopoos in a box.”

In the end, it kind of seems like a more friendly way to describe people with a food addiction.  Although, calling a fat person a Foodie sounds sort of mean, doesn't it?  Does this mean we should call a sex addict a Sexy?

“Roger needed to go get some help, he checked himself into a Sexy Facility.”

Sign me up.  Or maybe it is more about the level of knowledge that they have.

“Roger has the biggest porn collection I’ve ever seen!  What a Sexy!”

I like taking dumps.  And I could talk about poop for hours.  Maybe I should be a Dumpy, or a Poopy.  But alas, as fun as making up bullshit titles for ourselves clearly is, we need to put a stop to it now, before this gets out of hand.  Sorry Foodies, it’s time to find a new special talent, and to stop using that word.

While we’re at it, let’s completely stop trying to make random snappy expressions by adding ‘Y’ or ‘IE’ to words.  What are we, five fucking years old?!?!?!

“She’s my Besty!”
“Hey, guess what?  You’re the fucking Worsty.”

The most offensive ‘IE’ word out is when people deliciously call premature babies ‘PREEMIES’.  Is it supposed to make it sound cuter?  Well, it sounds gross, and frankly, I feel like it downplays the whole situation quite a bit.  No offense to all the Preemies out there.  Also, it rhymes with ‘creamy’, and somehow, that’s really fucked up to me.

I think the original hip and cool ‘IE’ word was ‘Hippies’, and seriously, don’t we all just hate hippies?  Not just for the smell, but because they’re awful?  So why follow that blueprint?

In conclusion, fuck you, self proclaimed Foodies.

But before I close the topic of these so-called food experts, for the love of God, everyone stop saying ‘Fast-Casual’.  It’s fast food.  Just because it costs more and looks nicer, doesn’t change what it is.  It is food, given to you fast, that you eat fast.  Afterwards, you feel shame (and a little bit of pre-diarrhea tummy rumbling).  That’s fast food.

It is what it is.

Of all of the ‘non statements’ out there, “it is what it is” is by far the most vague and useless.  It is applicable in virtually any situation, and yet, brings absolutely nothing to the table.  Why not say “it isn’t what it isn’t”? Or “it does what it does”? Or “it schnooblers what it schnooblers”?

The same people that over use “it is what it is” also seem to flock to the expression “that being said”, which is another choice ‘non statement’.  I call these ‘non statements’ because you could replace them in the conversation with complete silence or even with a mild, possibly nervous, fart, and pretty much have the same impact.

“I know it sucks, but, it is what it is.”
VS.
“I know it sucks, but… [squeeeeeeeeeeeeee]…”

No difference to the listener.  Except smell.  If anything, the nervous fart has more impact.

“They sure do use the word ‘chipotle’ a lot.  That being said, the Chipotle Pizza is delicious.”
VS.
“They sure do use the word ‘chipotle’ a lot… [squeeeeeeewawawawawpwent]…  The Chipotle Pizza is delicious.”

It actually feels more from the heart, with that big ol’ mild and nervous fart*.

So, join me in boycotting these expressions.  If we continue to work on ourselves, and avoid such annoying expressions, eventually, we may be able to all unite together as one gigantic happy family.  Someday, one day…  That being said, I don’t see it happening anytime soon.  It is what it is.

That’s it.  I'm late for my Foodie tour of the city!

*: from ‘Highway 10 Revisted: The Musical’

Weenie Roast.

As hard as you can try, eventually you will find yourself in a position where you look like a weenie, or feel like a weenie, or are just acting like a total weenie.  It can creep up on you and come at you unexpectedly, or, at times, you can see it coming from a mile away.  Some people are just total weenies all the time, and to those people, I apologize.  There is little that I can do for you.  For the rest of us occasional weenies, I will try and help you navigate the road of life avoiding the obstacles that can obstruct your overall coolness and make you feel like a weenie.  Some of these obstacles can’t be avoided, and in those cases, I’ll try and help you cope.

According to the dictionary, a weenie either means a frankfurter, a penis, or a nerd.  According to me, however, a weenie is not so much being a nerd, which can have certain positive connotations, so much as just being totally lame.  

I guess that for me, it can still mean frankfurter or penis as well.

When it comes to looking like a weenie, obvious examples would be faux-pas’ like ‘socks and sandals’, the ‘bowlcut’, wearing snowpants or those awful hats with the big ear flaps.  I won’t go off on a hat tangent at any point, as I have already done that once before (see: Accessory Before and After the Fact).  Obvious examples of feeling like a weenie could include losing at dodgeball, having your credit card denied or failing a driving test.  Obvious examples of acting like a total weenie should include mispronouncing easy words, confidently shouting the wrong answer in a game of Trivial Pursuit or singing in your car with the windows down (see: Turn it Up, Man).  

Are you starting to understand?  

In short, sometimes you can avoid being a weenie, but sometimes you just can’t.  The best that we can do is deal with the risk factors that we can control.  I can’t cover everything, but these basic examples should help (one for each kind of weenie moment).

On looking like a weenie...

One of the easiest ways to look like a total weenie is to wear a backpack.  Now, before you get all in a tizzy and tie up your panties into infinity knots, yes, I do recognize the usefulness of backpacks.  And it’s not everyone that needs to avoid them altogether.  But it’s kind of like how some guys put on a suit and look like they’re wearing their dad’s pyjamas, and other guys put on a suit and look quite dapper and shit.  In turn, some people rock the backpack just fine.  They look like a casual businessperson on the go.  But you know the type of backpackin’ weenie I mean.  You know how some people put one on and instantly look five years old and just begging to have their lunch money stolen?

If you absolutely must employ a backpack, then there are some things that you should know.  This can help reduce your wienieness.

Don’t tighten the straps all the way to the max.  It’s like when you see a guitarist with the strap all tight and the guitar is up at his chest.  He doesn’t look like a rock God anymore.  He looks like a member of the wiener patrol.  Another example is someone with their shoelaces tied real tight.

“Look how tight my laces are, these babies will never come off.”

What a weenie.  If the backpack straps are that tight, you may as well just bite the bullet and sport the fanny pack, taking you into ultimate weenie territory.

Don’t fill the backpack to capacity either.  There’s no way that you need to be carrying around enough stuff to fill a whole backpack.  What’s in there, a basketball?  Honestly, now you look like a lil’ kid on their way to the basketball court to shoot some hoops with his pals.  Except you don’t actually have any pals.  All you have is a backpack full of shit and a weenie aura that alienates all of those around you.  You don’t make friends with backpacks.

A full backpack just makes you look small and weird, like when people wear exceedingly large sunglasses.  Seriously, don’t wear gigantic sunglasses unless you are:

a) Elton John

b) A pilot in the movie Top Gun

c) Dead with both eyeballs missing

d) A clown

e) All of the above

Moving right along… The worst thing you can do is have a full backpack with the straps tightened all the way.  Even if you’re hiking, you should try and avoid this, because you’ll just look like a granola weenie.  And isn’t that just the worst kind of weenie?

Also, put both shoulder straps on.  The backpack slung over one shoulder doesn’t look casual after the age of twelve.  It looks ultra lame, and thus, quite weenieful.

I have a backpack that I bring to work, and every day, when I go out to the car, I feel slightly less cool then I did before.  Still, it seems better than paying money for a more adult looking bag.  At least my backpack is black, and truth be told, that’s another thing that can help.  Don’t have a bright ass backpack that looks like it has all sorts of nifty pockets made to hold your pencil case, calculator and retainer / headgear.

On feeling like a weenie...

Bringing the car in for maintenance at a garage is a surefire way to make yourself feel like a weenie.  Most of the time, I don’t even understand what I am asking them to do to my car.  I just read what needs to be done off of my vehicle’s maintenance schedule thingy they gave me when I drove it off the lot.  When I am reading it off to the guy at the garage I just try and mumble it, or cough while saying it, in the hopes that he will correct me, and guess what I am talking about.

It’s like ordering off of an Italian restaurant’s menu, when they obnoxiously put the stupid fucking menu items in Italian.

“Yeah I’ll have the … ummm… panooni… giupallda… pancechia.. bruschegnochi?”

“The ravioli?”

“Yeah, whatever.”

The mechanics tend to worsen the situation, by asking you questions that you don’t really know the answer to.

“Yes, I need my breaks serviced.”

“What’s wrong with them?”

“Umm... nothing I think, just according to my maintenance schedule, they require servicing.”

“You been having problems or… what is it exactly you need done?”

“Would you like to see the maintenance schedule?”

“No, that’s ok.”

“You know, I’m not normally such a weenie.”

This is much like how an overall lack of sports knowledge can get you into similar weenie waters with sports superfans, but I believe I tackled that already (see: Color Commentator).  There are two ways to not feel wienerific in front of the mechanic.  Either educate yourself about the inner workings of your automobile (not happening), or just fake that you know what they are talking about (that’s the one).

“There’s a problem with your Flarnder Rodenspiel.”

“Oh yeah, I totally noticed that last week, just you know, give it the usual.”

“What?”

“Proceed with the tune-up.”

The mechanic will still know that you’re a weenie, but you’ll walk away with your head held high, a proud weenie.

On acting like a weenie...

 “I bike to work every day on my banana seat bicycle.  Kneel before me, the king of all weenies.”

They take up an entire lane as if they are a car, but then go through red lights.  They have pants tucked into socks, or are wearing one of those elastics to stop their good work khakis from clogging up the gears.  They ride the elevator up to their floor while still wearing their helmet, as well as the previously mentioned pants elastic.  They have super aerodynamic sunglasses.  They are the weeniecycles.

“Of course I’m turning, did you not see my hand signal?”

Riding a bike in the city does not automatically make you a weenie, but it doesn’t help.  If you have a bell, horn, basket or tassels on your bike, please close your computer and go set fire to your bicycle immediately.

With these three examples you have the blueprint for what makes a true weenie.  Try your best to extrapolate from this guide other situations during which you may look, feel or act like a weenie, and avoid them forever.

That’s it.  These snowpants are really making my balls itch and chafing my groin.

Accessory Before and After the Fact.

Underwear, socks, shirts, pants, shoes, jackets. What more do you need? There can be some subtle variations thrown into the mix, depending on temperature or the overall formality or informality of the milieu you are heading into. But everything should have its purpose and function clearly established. In an attempt to set yourself apart from the pack, you may have added on all sorts of needless and useless accessories and gimmicks to your body and appearance. You thought they made you cool and different. They didn’t. They made you look lame and the same as everyone else trying to be different through superficial means.

For example, tattoos are starting to really piss me off. Don’t get a tattoo. There definitely was a time when tattoos had their charm. I think it was back when a tattoo actually meant something. It meant that that person was in the military, or in a street gang, or had been to prison, or was a member of some cult, or was honouring a close friend or relative that burst into flames prematurely. If someone asks you what your tattoo means, or what the tattoo that you want to get means, and the best answer you can come up with is,

“I like dolphins!”, or
“I’m really into like tribal shit and shit.”, or
“Tattoos are so cool! Eveyone’s doin’ it.”, or
“It’s the Japanese symbol for GIGANTIC COCKSUCKER.”,

then it is likely time to look into its removal, or simply to not get it in the first place. If you have enough that you call them your ‘tats’ then you really need to examine their meaning and discriminate a little more.

And what about hats? Seriously man, fuck hats. Don’t wear “stylish” hats in a lame attempt of being different. New hat, same ol’ lame. I agree that at times, hats can be functional, like a helmet, or a tuque in the winter time. But outside of this, hats don’t really do a whole hell of a lot of good. Sometimes hats are good for keeping hair out of your face, while working, playing a sport, exercising, or whatever. Fine. But don’t wear it all damn day, all the time. You know when you wear a baseball cap all day, and at the end of the day, you take it off and move your hair around, and your hair kind of hurts? That should be an indicator that you’re wearing the hat a little too much. Tone it down, mr. Cappy Cap. Bald dudes sometimes try and use hats to cover up, but you should be proud of your shiny manly head! If I was bald, I’d polish that sucker so that people would be blinded by my head in the sunshine. You could spot me from space. Hats off! If you’re using it to protect from the UV rays of the sun, however, this can definitely be accepted, as no one likes a burnt charred head. Toupees are the worst hats of all.

Now, I agree that sometimes hats can help us recognize what someone is or does, as part of a uniform of some kind. Some examples could be policeman, cowboy, military, biker dude, Native American… construction worker… wait a minute, that seems like a familiar group. Did the Village People wear their hats? No, the Village People were their hats.

If the Village People had just shifted some stuff around a little, they could have come very close to achieving global unity through one song. Think about it, we got cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers (biker dude… no?), construction worker and… sailor? Sailor?!? What the hell is that bullshit? They could’ve done without that ‘In the Navy’ crap anyways. Get rid of navy boy and throw in a business man executive type. Then you’d have cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, blue collar and white collar, all singing in unity. We’d have to come up with a nifty hat for the white collar guy, but it totally can be done. Likely, it would be some type of fedora, but we’ll leave it up to the People themselves to decide. And then you’d have it all: racial, social, economical… hold on. Let’s take it up a notch, because we are still missing some major and popular forms of bigotry. Let’s add two brand new members to the Village People: Jew and Muslim, or maybe Scientologist and Roman-Catholic, or how about Atheist and Vampire, or Mormon and ANYTHING ELSE. Now they’re singing all together, regardless of racial, social, economical, or religious disagreements and differences.

What about the gays and the straights, you ask? Well, that’s already being covered. ‘YMCA’ is the gayest gay anthem that the world has ever gayed. Knowing that, now, go to any wedding, social event, company outing, or anywhere that features a hip “DJ” and you will be able to witness any number of conservative, lame, homophobic morons all dancing like idiots, singing along, and doing the ridiculous hand and arm motions to that very song. They even do the pelvis pump and finger point during the verses, in a lame imitation of dance moves that they probably learned from watching the ‘The Full Monty’, the raciest movie that they’ve ever seen. That’s right folks, you read it here, ‘YMCA’ could be a harbinger of peace. ‘We Are the Champions’ is definitely a close second, by succeeding to get homophobic jock primates the world over to sing operatically at sporting events, but it hardly covers all of the world’s problematic bases the way ‘YMCA’ does. However, if Freddie Mercury was still alive today, I believe he would have ended war forever by now, with his super human, out of this world brand of Rock, and his little baton microphone stand thing.

Speaking of aliens, honestly, if at one point we start exploring new planets, this is how we should present ourselves. Just land on an inhabited planet, let the big spaceship doors open up (like a big closet), and then let out the Village People (or more likely a seasoned Village People cover band), with all the above suggested modifications, singing and dancing the ‘YMCA’. By the time the second chorus rolls around, man those aliens will be so pumped up for it. Probably they’ll false start a little like a drunken grandma at a bar-mitzvah, but it’s ok, it’s their first try, after all.

“‘Y’! ‘M’! … ‘c’… oh oops… no not yet? Oh geez, I thought it was that time again… oh my, what a party! Woo!”

Contrary to what you might be thinking though, the Village People’s rare and fantastically acceptable form of hat usage does not excuse all musicians from needless hat wearing.

“Justin Timberlake wears hats now? Well, shit, I need to get me a hat and wear a hat too! Ready, set, hattify.”

Think for yourself! Hats are lame, so stop trying so hard! Also, someone tell Jason Mraz, or Hat Guy, to knock it off too (I definitely did not come up with the idea of calling him Hat Guy. I read it in a CD review somewhere, where the reviewer claimed that his new release featured even more Hat Power than ever. Great stuff, I wish I could remember where I read it). I went to an outdoor festival where Hat Guy was playing and it was an absolute ocean of lame hats. It’s bad enough that he’s wearing one, but now the Hat Followers are too. I was worried that all fifty thousand hats were going to join together and make some kind of super hat like the robots in Voltron, or to a lesser degree, the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger robots, and destroy us all with cheesified toe-tappin’ blue eyed soul. Except for all of the cougars of course, who, rather than melt, would grow tall like the fifty foot woman, and dance the night away with the same dance moves they learned at their high school prom, circa 1987, and have recently been perfecting at Jason Mraz, Maroon 5, or sadly, John Mayer concerts. Then the Village People would have to join up like the Power Rangers too to defeat them all. “IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!” I won’t spoil everything for you, so it will remain a partial surprise when it all happens, but the cowboy’s robot is a huge god damn horse.

While we’re on the subject of needless hat usage perpetrated by musicians, at least seventy-five to ninety-five percent of country musicians shouldn’t be wearing those cowboy hats. You’re not cowboys, and you’re not helping to create global unity like the Village People’s fake cowboy. Take off your hats!

I could do without all of these piercings too. Much like the tattoo, at one time piercings could have had their use, to set you apart and make you look scary and shit, like whatever class of Warrior, Pirate, Prostitute, Ninja or Wizard that you happened to be, in whatever radical period of history you were from. But nowadays, you don’t look original or extreme or even scary, just lame. You just look like you fell asleep on a sequin gun. And stop inventing random places to get pierced. Metallic zits all over your face and a whole pile of what look like bad stapling accidents? Screw that! You think it’s rebellious? I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that you pierced your asshole shut, since you’re totally full of shit. Come up with something actually new and shocking, piercings are unacceptable. I don’t even like earrings on women, really. Nothing, that’s what I like, which is unfortunate, since I’m in a generation of people that will probably start taking their five year olds to get their eyebrow pierced.

“Come on Skyler, don’t you want to look like the ‘Green Day’? It will only hurt for a second, and then you’ll get ice cream… flavored broccoli-soya ooze treats. Hold still while I fix your mascara and eye liner. Stop crying, you’re ruining it.”

Honestly, be careful with jewelry in general, not just piercings. People shouldn’t jingle, ever. Never, ever, not ever. If you call anything your ‘bling’, throw that blingy thingy out the window, now. And I’m not too comfortable with big fuckin’ belt buckles either. Belts, I get. You don’t want your pants to fall, and therefore, it is a functional accessory. But big shiny metallic glittery buckles that say “Big Daddy” or look like fire engines, or eagles, or whiskey bottles… really? You’re either trying to draw attention away from your face, or towards your crotch. Either way, I just don’t trust you, or like you very much. No more stupid belt buckles. Also, you all need to take the makeup down a notch or two. This goes for both men and women. You know what social group wears a lot of makeup? Circus clowns. If you want to get yourself lumped in with them, then go for it. Otherwise, let’s see what you really look like under there. And what’s with the fake nails? Who is finding this appealing? No more fake nails.

“Yes, I’d like to get the really long nails that make it impossible for me to do any simple hand oriented tasks, like tying shoelaces, opening a soda can, typing, wearing rubber gloves, etcetera etcetera, please. Also make sure that they break pretty easily. I love being able to whine about breaking a nail. And please make sure that they match the color of my bullshit.”

And what’s all this about wearing glasses when you don’t need them? That’s like riding around in a wheelchair just for the fun of it (said George Costanza once in reference to something else altogether, but it applies nicely here). If the person doesn’t need the glasses, then the “don’t hit a guy with glasses” rule is definitely thrown out the window. Punch away, right in the fake glasses area. Monocles are acceptable though, even if you don’t need one, since it takes tremendous balls to walk around with a monocle. I’d like to see a guy in sweatpants and an old ripped Iron Maiden shirt walking around wearing a monocle and checking his pocket watch. Just seems to me like it would be fun to see. Also, no matter what you may have heard in songs by Corey Hart or George Clinton, sunglasses should be reserved for the outdoors on sunny days only. No exceptions to the rule. Feel free to punch a guy wearing sunglasses at night. He probably won’t see it coming anyways. He’s busy trying to check out girls without them noticing, a low level Peeping Tom, if you will. Peeping Tom seems like far too friendly of a term for a category of sex offender doesn’t it? I’d even prefer the vague, non-specific “pervert” over Peeping Tom. Peeping Tom sounds like a fun activity.

“Where are you going?”
“I’m going peeping with my peepers. Careful, I just might peep at you!”

I guess successful Peeping Toms aren’t very superstitious people either. Otherwise they’d be putting down the binoculars every two minutes thinking that “a watched pot never boils.” Although, I suppose if they were superstitious, one that they wouldn’t have too much trouble with is “Touch Wood” (also popular is the term “Knock on Wood”). Some people might feel like they’re not just a Peeping Tom. That’s just too low brow. They’re sophisticated, they’re Voyeurs. Oh yeah, that’s what we need to do, classy up the terms for the perverts and make them sound like performance artists.

“Well, first I locate a proper and sturdy tree to venture within, that assures me a decent view into a window, and with optimal branch coverage, and then, well, I just wait until the time is right. Some use standard bird watching binoculars, but I prefer Opera Glasses. Camouflage by Armani.”
“What technique! What voyeurage! And a classic La Braunzapanelli finish? I give it nine point seven out of ten.”

It’s only a matter of time before GQ will start printing 'How-To' articles for the twenty-first century Voyeur, claiming that people actually want to have their privacy invaded, and be ogled. Thankfully we haven’t started up with other pleasant and friendly ways to describe sex offenders, because the world probably isn’t ready for the ol’ Roofy Randy, the Pee-Wee Herman, the Collecter Chris, the Diddler Dan, the Statutory Steve, the No-Consent Norman, the Bob Barker or even the Get Along Gang Bang. I’ll let you decide what all of those may refer to. Sure enough, the 'How-To' articles in GQ would follow shortly. Is there a female version of the Peeping Tom? Like Peeping Tina or something? Those articles would go in Cosmopolitan. In short, don’t wear sunglasses unless it’s necessary, i.e. sunny, you loser.

Don’t get carried away with hair either. If you just got your hair ‘done’, then you’ve already gone too far. You should get your hair cut, not done. It shouldn’t be “Check out my hairdo”. It should be “I just got a haircut”. Keep it simple. I’m not saying you have to go to those horrible barber shops, with the seventy-five year old barbers and the twenty-five year old issues of Penthouse. Those places only do about three haircuts, anyways: The mama’s boy side part, the bowl cut, and the skinhead. And that's for both men or women. I’m just saying to not get too caught up with having a unique style and flare. If you go in a salon, make it clear from the beginning.

“What can we do for you today?”
“Pretty much take exactly what I have now, but just shrink it down a bit.”
“So, the same hairdo?”
“No, same haircut. Neat, nice, slightly shorter than it is now.”

Beards and most forms of facial hair are fine. Just remember that, sideburns shouldn’t be too pointy, too thin or too groomed, handlebar moustaches should only be for people who can comfortably refer to themselves as ‘wranglers’, and the regular moustache is reserved for those who are old enough that they had the moustache before moustaches were associated with scummy sketchy creepy greasy people.

And to the Carrot People from the tanning salons (you know who they are, you've seen them), you need to get your shit under control as well. You know who else likes the tanning salon? Skin Cancer. Spray-On Carrot People are equally lame, but at least smart enough not to make friends with the Skin Cancer. You know who Carrot People turn into when they are older? Leather People. I don’t mean people that wear a lot of leather. I mean people whose faces look like old dried-up used saddlebags. Over tanning equals a bad idea.

In conclusion, you need to have non-superficial ways to try and show people that you’re special, because these superficial ways just aren’t special anymore. Be yourself and speak your mind. That’s what I want more of. Trust me, if you just would get out from behind the facade, I guarantee that you’re special just the way you are. Your mom was right. And so was Billy Joel for loving you that way.

That’s it. Hats off to individuality!