It's Business Time.

It creeps up on you, real quiet like.  At first you think maybe it’s nothing.  It will pass.  But you’re starting to re-think the insane amount of peanuts that you ate after your peanut butter sandwich lunch.  It’s not creeping anymore, it’s attacking, and it’s gnawing at your insides.  It’s time.  You need to take a dump at work.

First things first, change to your spare pair of shoes.  What you don’t have a spare pair at work?  Well you should.  Not just because bathrooms are gross, but also, if someone walks into the bathroom while you’re halfway through a wretched fart, they won’t be able to recognize you by your shoes.  They’ll spend the rest of their day trying to find the mystery shoes, but you will have hidden them safely away in your drawer / briefcase / pants.

Now that you’re wearing your poop shoes, you can set out to the bathroom, just as soon as you prepare your entertainment.  As long as you are away from your desk and dumping, you might as well make a little spa relaxation time out of it.  Cell phones are popular for their gaming, but be sure it has a nice silent touch screen.  Loud clicky buttons are a dead giveaway for any eavesdroppers, sorry Mr. Blackberry, but we all hear you in there, and we are all disgusted.  Shit, I bought an iPhone just because I knew it would allow for silent gaming while pinching a loaf at work.  Even though we all play cell phone games while pooping, it’s one of those don’t ask don’t tell things.  We all do it, kind of like not washing up after peeing… wait, what?  Oh and be discrete, and turn off the sound.  

Don’t bring a magazine or book, because someone might spot it and ask you where you are going.  Magazines and books are reserved for the home edition.

Some people take entertainment free dumps.  They just sit there and will the crap to happen with the power of their mind.  I commend these warriors for their exceptional bowel prowess and deep thinking capabilities.  That’s like running on a treadmill without an iPod.

Now, you’ve made it to the bathroom, and it’s empty.  So you can make a run for the stall of your choice.  Try and get a nice corner stall.  Makes for a bit more reverb, and you can only have, at most, one neighbour.  If there is already an occupied stall (multi-stall unit), then it is your call whether or not to press on.  If it was me, I would turn around, and try again later, although, at times there is no time for that.  It is a personal choice.

Make sure you lock the stall and try the door before you drop trou and have a good sit.  The last thing that you want is to be so focused on ‘Angry Birds’ that you fail to realize that the door has swung open and you sit, exposed, cell phone in hand, poopy in bowl.  At which point you would have to quit, move and change your name, which can be rather expensive.  This can be especially dangerous if the stall faces the door to the outside where the water cooler is.  “Does that really ever happen?”, you may ask yourself.  Yes.  One hundred percent yes.  If you could only see the single tear running down my cheek as I write this.  Learn from my failures, folks.

Now, with all locks checked, you sit.  Commence. 

When sitting in the stall, doing your duty (doody?), and there is someone else in there with you, you may feel the need to clench up and refrain from making any sound.  This timid behaviour is not abnormal, but can be rather unhealthy for the ol’ colon, most doctors agree.  ‘The Icebreaker’ is a manoeuvre I came up with that you should always keep in mind.  It is when you or the stranger lets out a little fart, just to let the other know that, it’s ok, and no one here is judging.  Once you hear a fart response, you know what it means: “Go ahead pardner, let’er rip”. 

If neither of you make any noise, because no one wants to ‘speak’ first, you could end up sitting on the can for hours, in some kind of bizarre Mexican standoff, which would be fine if the pins and needles in your damn legs would go away.  Avoid all of this, by being an ‘Icebreaker’, pay it forward, karma.  Do unto others as you would, you know, all that shit.

Now that it is happening, there are some things you should remember.

Don’t talk to yourself, ever.  Not ever. I once heard a guy clearly say, “oh my god” with a certain groaning tone in his voice.  I wish that I could go back to a time and life before having heard it, but I can’t.  Don’t be that guy (or gal).  And yes, grunts count.  You shouldn’t have to push so hard, certainly not while at work.  Start looking into getting more fiber in that diet of yours, Groany McAwfulstein.

Don’t talk to other people either.  If it is illegal to talk on the phone while driving, it certainly should be so while pooping.  Even if its hands free, I doubt anyone wants to know that your free hands are potentially wiping your ass.  That's one conference call you don't want to be a part of.

“Hey, Bill, could you mute your phone?  Why are you breathing so heavily?”

“What can I say, I guess I’m just really into this shit.”

Also, people that talk from the stall to anyone else in the bathroom should be fired.  Or there should be a button you can press that sucks them down into the toilet and ejects them out of some chimney somewhere.  What?  It comes with a parachute, in this fantasy world, in my mind.

"I tried to tell my wife that her creamed corn does this to me every time, but she jus-"
-EJECTOR BUTTON-
"AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh..."

I understand that some people need to cover the toilet with a layer of toilet paper, or use one of those toilet seat prophylactics.  I get it.  You don’t want someone’s butt cooties.  But if that’s the case, be sure to dispose of your bullet proof vest along with your dung.  Preferably in separate flushes to avoid clogs, which I will discuss below.  Last thing, about that extra protection, don’t be that freak that wraps the entire toilet like some kind of mummy or cocoon, and then leave it behind.  Seriously, what the fuck? I feel like I’m in a science fiction movie and the CHUDS or Ghoulies are going to be birthed out of this thing.

And throw in a courtesy flush whenever necessary, even when you are alone.  It’s good to keep the bowl fresh, and the air as light as possible.

Always flush the nuggets prior to placing any toilet paper in the toilet.  Regardless of its size or girth, the last thing that you will want is an at work clog, which would cause you to quit, move and change your name, which can be rather expensive.  If you eat excessive amounts of cheese and are known for rather solid logs, perhaps bringing a pocket knife would help, as you could break it up into pieces to avoid any problems.  The Swiss army knife scissors are usually pretty effective.  You be the judge.  Although public toilets tend to have tremendous strength, honestly, if it looks too big to go down smooth, it just may be.

I know, you may be thinking that I have crossed some kind of line, but I’ve never caused a clog, nor been responsible for the perpetration of poopy water all over the bathroom floor.  Save your judging for someone who deserves it, like those responsible for ‘puddles’, ‘leftovers’ or ‘poopseat’.  Those are the careless people that live with an overall disregard for anyone else’s well being.  It’s not like I use that same paring knife to cut my snack cucumbers. You should be thanking me. 

Once successful flushing has been achieved, it will be time to make a break for the sinks.  Obviously wait until the place is empty before exiting the stall.  The walk of shame from the stall to the sink is an especially long one if it turns out the president of the company is in the bathroom.  Even more so if the muggy, thick air acts like a punch in his smug, presidential face.  He probably doesn’t even have to poop, he probably has a servant that extracts it from him and turns into pot pourri (poori?).  Why is he in my bathroom anyways?  Doesn’t he have some golden toilet somewhere that massages his ass while he sits on it and spits out money for every turd he squeezes out?

Not that this has happened to me or anything, twice, at the job I quit last year.

If you really are worried about run-ins with co-workers or bosses, remember the three keys of real estate: location, location and location.  Try and go to a different floor if possible or even, a different building if your schedule permits.  For example, maybe there’s a great McDonalds down the street.  Also the cheap cheeseburgers can often help induce labour, if you have been having trouble lately.  Just be sure to allow enough time to get there.  While most work place poops are photo finishes, you want to be sure you make it to the finish line, or else you will definitely have to quit, and move, and change your name, and that can be rather expensive.  First you'd have to change your pants.

Look, I know this is an awful lot to take in, but if you don’t feel like you can follow these simple guidelines, then maybe you need to find a job that you can do from home.  Or just be unemployed.  Or just hold it in.

That’s it.  I got to stand up and wipe (that’s right, STAND… see: Panel of Judges).