Monday, February 28, 2011

It's Business Time.

It creeps up on you, real quiet like.  At first you think maybe it’s nothing.  It will pass.  But you’re starting to re-think the insane amount of peanuts that you ate after your peanut butter sandwich lunch.  It’s not creeping anymore, it’s attacking, and it’s gnawing at your insides.  It’s time.  You need to take a dump at work.

First things first, change to your spare pair of shoes.  What you don’t have a spare pair at work?  Well you should.  Not just because bathrooms are gross, but also, if someone walks into the bathroom while you’re halfway through a wretched fart, they won’t be able to recognize you by your shoes.  They’ll spend the rest of their day trying to find the mystery shoes, but you will have hidden them safely away in your drawer / briefcase / pants.

Now that you’re wearing your poop shoes, you can set out to the bathroom, just as soon as you prepare your entertainment.  As long as you are away from your desk and dumping, you might as well make a little spa relaxation time out of it.  Cell phones are popular for their gaming, but be sure it has a nice silent touch screen.  Loud clicky buttons are a dead giveaway for any eavesdroppers, sorry Mr. Blackberry, but we all hear you in there, and we are all disgusted.  Shit, I bought an iPhone just because I knew it would allow for silent gaming while pinching a loaf at work.  Even though we all play cell phone games while pooping, it’s one of those don’t ask don’t tell things.  We all do it, kind of like not washing up after peeing… wait, what?  Oh and be discrete, and turn off the sound.  

Don’t bring a magazine or book, because someone might spot it and ask you where you are going.  Magazines and books are reserved for the home edition.

Some people take entertainment free dumps.  They just sit there and will the crap to happen with the power of their mind.  I commend these warriors for their exceptional bowel prowess and deep thinking capabilities.  That’s like running on a treadmill without an iPod.

Now, you’ve made it to the bathroom, and it’s empty.  So you can make a run for the stall of your choice.  Try and get a nice corner stall.  Makes for a bit more reverb, and you can only have, at most, one neighbour.  If there is already an occupied stall (multi-stall unit), then it is your call whether or not to press on.  If it was me, I would turn around, and try again later, although, at times there is no time for that.  It is a personal choice.

Make sure you lock the stall and try the door before you drop trou and have a good sit.  The last thing that you want is to be so focused on ‘Angry Birds’ that you fail to realize that the door has swung open and you sit, exposed, cell phone in hand, poopy in bowl.  At which point you would have to quit, move and change your name, which can be rather expensive.  This can be especially dangerous if the stall faces the door to the outside where the water cooler is.  “Does that really ever happen?”, you may ask yourself.  Yes.  One hundred percent yes.  If you could only see the single tear running down my cheek as I write this.  Learn from my failures, folks.

Now, with all locks checked, you sit.  Commence. 

When sitting in the stall, doing your duty (doody?), and there is someone else in there with you, you may feel the need to clench up and refrain from making any sound.  This timid behaviour is not abnormal, but can be rather unhealthy for the ol’ colon, most doctors agree.  ‘The Icebreaker’ is a manoeuvre I came up with that you should always keep in mind.  It is when you or the stranger lets out a little fart, just to let the other know that, it’s ok, and no one here is judging.  Once you hear a fart response, you know what it means: “Go ahead pardner, let’er rip”. 

If neither of you make any noise, because no one wants to ‘speak’ first, you could end up sitting on the can for hours, in some kind of bizarre Mexican standoff, which would be fine if the pins and needles in your damn legs would go away.  Avoid all of this, by being an ‘Icebreaker’, pay it forward, karma.  Do unto others as you would, you know, all that shit.

Now that it is happening, there are some things you should remember.

Don’t talk to yourself, ever.  Not ever. I once heard a guy clearly say, “oh my god” with a certain groaning tone in his voice.  I wish that I could go back to a time and life before having heard it, but I can’t.  Don’t be that guy (or gal).  And yes, grunts count.  You shouldn’t have to push so hard, certainly not while at work.  Start looking into getting more fiber in that diet of yours, Groany McAwfulstein.

Don’t talk to other people either.  If it is illegal to talk on the phone while driving, it certainly should be so while pooping.  Even if its hands free, I doubt anyone wants to know that your free hands are potentially wiping your ass.  That's one conference call you don't want to be a part of.

“Hey, Bill, could you mute your phone?  Why are you breathing so heavily?”
“What can I say, I guess I’m just really into this shit.”

Also, people that talk from the stall to anyone else in the bathroom should be fired.  Or there should be a button you can press that sucks them down into the toilet and ejects them out of some chimney somewhere.  What?  It comes with a parachute, in this fantasy world, in my mind.

"I tried to tell my wife that her creamed corn does this to me every time, but she jus-"

I understand that some people need to cover the toilet with a layer of toilet paper, or use one of those toilet seat prophylactics.  I get it.  You don’t want someone’s butt cooties.  But if that’s the case, be sure to dispose of your bullet proof vest along with your dung.  Preferably in separate flushes to avoid clogs, which I will discuss below.  Last thing, about that extra protection, don’t be that freak that wraps the entire toilet like some kind of mummy or cocoon, and then leave it behind.  Seriously, what the fuck? I feel like I’m in a science fiction movie and the CHUDS or Ghoulies are going to be birthed out of this thing.

And throw in a courtesy flush whenever necessary, even when you are alone.  It’s good to keep the bowl fresh, and the air as light as possible.

Always flush the nuggets prior to placing any toilet paper in the toilet.  Regardless of its size or girth, the last thing that you will want is an at work clog, which would cause you to quit, move and change your name, which can be rather expensive.  If you eat excessive amounts of cheese and are known for rather solid logs, perhaps bringing a pocket knife would help, as you could break it up into pieces to avoid any problems.  The Swiss army knife scissors are usually pretty effective.  You be the judge.  Although public toilets tend to have tremendous strength, honestly, if it looks too big to go down smooth, it just may be.

I know, you may be thinking that I have crossed some kind of line, but I’ve never caused a clog, nor been responsible for the perpetration of poopy water all over the bathroom floor.  Save your judging for someone who deserves it, like those responsible for ‘puddles’, ‘leftovers’ or ‘poopseat’.  Those are the careless people that live with an overall disregard for anyone else’s well being.  It’s not like I use that same paring knife to cut my snack cucumbers. You should be thanking me. 

Once successful flushing has been achieved, it will be time to make a break for the sinks.  Obviously wait until the place is empty before exiting the stall.  The walk of shame from the stall to the sink is an especially long one if it turns out the president of the company is in the bathroom.  Even more so if the muggy, thick air acts like a punch in his smug, presidential face.  He probably doesn’t even have to poop, he probably has a servant that extracts it from him and turns into pot pourri (poori?).  Why is he in my bathroom anyways?  Doesn’t he have some golden toilet somewhere that massages his ass while he sits on it and spits out money for every turd he squeezes out?

Not that this has happened to me or anything, twice, at the job I quit last year.

If you really are worried about run-ins with co-workers or bosses, remember the three keys of real estate: location, location and location.  Try and go to a different floor if possible or even, a different building if your schedule permits.  For example, maybe there’s a great McDonalds down the street.  Also the cheap cheeseburgers can often help induce labour, if you have been having trouble lately.  Just be sure to allow enough time to get there.  While most work place poops are photo finishes, you want to be sure you make it to the finish line, or else you will definitely have to quit, and move, and change your name, and that can be rather expensive.  First you'd have to change your pants.

Look, I know this is an awful lot to take in, but if you don’t feel like you can follow these simple guidelines, then maybe you need to find a job that you can do from home.  Or just be unemployed.  Or just hold it in.

That’s it.  I got to stand up and wipe (that’s right, STAND… see: Panel of Judges).


  1. "Mexican standoff" haha, if only you could see the tears running down MY cheeks -- that's some funny shit ;)

  2. sage words of wisdom, kevie. thank goodness you're here.

    for everyone else, i mean. i'm too cute to poop. i just keep pretending that i don't have to go until it's no longer MY problem, it's the hospital's.

  3. I'm laughing in a dark, quiet house. Really, really laughing. I'm sharing this baby. :-)

  4. So so good! It's like Fat Bastard himself wrote it.

  5. This is a post whose time has come! I say ejector seats in stalls be an OSHA regulation.

  6. I don't think I would ever take a dump at work, aside from it not being lady-like ( I am told I am supposed to be lady-like) I just can't. It is simply not comfortable for me.

  7. sound advice my friend, sound advice.
    I will share this wealth of shit-at-work protocol with others. To make the world a better place.

  8. Thanks for all the advise. Luckily, We have a private bathroom in our office that is reserved for the four people who work there. Unfortunately, we know each other too well and I can tell who was in there last by the smell of their poo... yep, I just went there.

    The ladies might enjoy this little nugget of internet wisdom about "the poop stall"...

  9. Stand up and wipe? Holy shit you take no prisoners!

    Now I have to go buy spare shoes for work.

  10. Oh my God! I am laughing so hard right now I think my son is scared of me. This was so funny. I think it should be turned into a poster and hung up in every office bathroom!

  11. I love this post so hard. I had to become a follower. If this is any indication of what the rest of your blog is like,

  12. That is just nasty.
    but i have to say while i dont take a shit at work, i do take breaks and get off at work with my vibrator. some times you just need to have a nice "O" to get thru the rest of the day.

  13. You had me at "poop shoes."

    I always like to remind my friends that when you poop at work... technically you are being paid to poop. Kinda makes the job seem a bit more awesome, eh? ;)

  14. @ab: In the movies, the Mexican Standoffs are always so quiet, a good ol' fart noise is the best way to break that silence, I say.

    @Kage: There is nothing sexier than a colostomy bag.

    @Steph: Laughter in a dark quiet house can be scary, thankfully, yours was not an evil laughter... I hope.

    @dbs: I'm really not sure how to take that... have you been conspiring with my wife to hurt my self esteem?

    @Vinny: If we all work together, maybe one day...

    @Penny: I don't think it's comfortable for anyone, but, I can't NOT go, out of fear of internal explosions and external smells.

    @Sarcasm: Thanks! If everyone does their part...

    @Amber: Ah yes, Sassy Curmudgeon... that is one funny lady. Highly recommended...

    @Annah: Yeah, I don't mess around. Don't get shoes that are too unlike your own, that would be a dead giveaway when you are on your way there.

    @Hannah: If we get enough requests, I'm sure we can get a good deal at Staples. It would need diagrams though...

    @Jennifer: Loving hard is the only way to love. thanks for that! I hope I don't let you down.

    @KittyCat: Assuming you sit on the can for that, isn't that even nastier? Won't you eventually associate toilets with orgasms? The next step is Golden Shower, and from there, it's a downward spiral, really...

    @Goofy: I suggest saving one for the end of the day... OVERTIME.

  15. Poop shoes.
    I will be purchasing some of those tonight.
    How did I not know about this? Genius!

  16. Deer mister kavn

    tank uu fo helpin me. befor i met u i had difflicultiees. teh big wheite ting was werry scari.

  17. Thanks for the "How-To", but you left out one part of the "Lavatorial Pre-Flight": make sure there actually is paper available before you plop your hairy behind on the throne and DEFINITELY before you squeeze one out. If you fail to do so, you're left with...
    1. Ask a neighbor (next stall over-not Gladys Kravitz) for some paper. But, I'm thinking this is a serious "Guy Faux Pas."
    2. Try to pull some of the little scraps still glued to the cardboard tube. This will usually end up very very messy.
    3. Pull your pants halfway up and duckwalk into the next (empty!) stall. But, this can be bad if anyone walks in.
    4. Pulls scraps of paper from your wallet. If you MUST use a plastic card, use your COSTCO membership card. Which you will then throw away.
    5. Say screw it and be "Stinky Pete" all day.
    A. Frontwiper

  18. I would never want to hurt your self esteem. Let me try to explain. I love all things Scottish and I love a good honest discussion about the fact that everyone poops, even the Queen. Fat Bastard of Austin Powers fame is one of the funniest characters I have ever encountered mostly because he is Scottish, he is obsessed with poop and he reminds me of every one of my uncles and their unintentional hilariousness. Therefore your post was on par with or perhaps even exceeded the Fat Bastard's hilariousness and in my world that is a very, very good thing.
    Hopefully this makes sense.

  19. I clogged the toilet at work and poop water AND poop came out. It was my first week. The janitor saw my horrified face and almost died laughing. I once had to crush a lincoln log with an empty tp roll to get it down, felt like I was cutting dried up playdough in Kindergarten.

  20. @Katie: Not many do, we need to start getting the word out (maybe give me the credit though... haha)

    @Antares: Hapee 2 hellip.

    @Al: Best comment of all time. Also, forget using the little scraps stuck to the tube, just use the tube. As for the Duckwalk, I have a friend who has the greatest story ever with regards to that. I'll try to buy the rights to it from him and then maybe mention it in some kind of "It's Business Time Addendum". Thanks for the laughs.

    @dbs: Well it SOUNDS like you meant it as a very nice compliment after all... so thank you kind sir, for your lovely words of encouragement. Also, your family reunions must be bonkers.

    @TheGameDoc: I assume that you know where the inspiration for my paring knife reference came from :) ... also... AMAZING STORY. If I was teh janitor I would have taken pictures.

  21. This is the exact reason I was always the first one to come into work (not hard, all of my coworkers were lazy bums who came in after noon). By coming in at 8, I solidified a 4 hour window of solitude in the bathroom should I ever have needed it.

    That is, until the lazy janitor caught onto this. Not only would he be there, first thing at 8 'o clock in the morning, he would lock ALL the other stalls. And just sit there. In complete solitude. For hours and hours. Fucking off on his phone. And not letting anyone else enter.

    I wasn't going to stand for this. See, the other side of the locking mechanism was held in by a flathead screw, so if you have a screw driver, you can twist open the lock from the outside. Stupid design, right? Not if you're an asshole like me.

    Each time he did this, I walked in, unlocked every single one of them (including his), cracked the door open slightly to let him know they were truly unlocked, and then just walked out.

    I only had to do this twice before he stopped coming to our floor altogether.

    And I, well, I enjoyed my solitude... until the unemployment monster snagged me.

  22. I forgot about using the cardboard tube! I may have suppressed it, though, after that nasty "papercut" incident. Plus, when I started moving that round tube toward the "exit", my kids' hamsters got all excited.
    Tell the Duckwalk story!!!

  23. I never talk about poop. Like, hardly ever. I can't do it. I don't even poop. It's a genetic trait of awesome where I just don't even need to. Do you buy that? No?

    Fine. I still won't talk about it. If I did though, I'd say probably what you've said in this post except less funny and with no poop shoes, because OH MY that's genius and only you could've come up with that. Only you.

    Remember me when you're super totally famous, okay?

  24. This post was so hilarious that I tweeted about it and then forgot to leave a comment.

    I'm with Al about the toilet paper roll. It hurts, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

  25. @Al Penwasser: "Plus, when I started moving that round tube toward the "exit", my kids' hamsters got all excited." Nothing witty, I just think that's hilarious.

  26. I used to work in an office next door to a guy who would come over and say he was closing his shop for half an hour to go to the bathroom, and that he put a note on the door telling delivery people to leave their parcels with me. That was a man who didn't need no pooping stealth shoes!

    I, on the other hand, will be getting a pair. I work from home, but hey, any excuse to go shoe shopping.

  27. @Beer: My problem is I always gotta go in the afternoon... That janitor sounds like he might have something in common with KittyCat.

    @Al: The Doc said it all.

    @Lorraine: I'm working on the trademark for Poop Shoe... but NO I would never forget you!

    @Sara: You mean the papercut part or the... hamster????

    @Doc: Agreed.

    @Tatty: I was just wondering the other day about what store owners did in that case... and yes, Poop Shoes are always useful, AND fun.

  28. I come from a Mexican/Italian family and our family WAS so verbal, demonstrative, loud mouthed, unprivate, impolite, and shaming about farting and crapping. My Italian grandpa lived with us and that man farted liked a trombone and it did not matter who was in the house (like our boyfriends when we were 15). OMG you brought it all back, what a delightful blog, tee hee.

  29. That opening paragraph is the stuff of literary genius. I bow to your power.

  30. P.S. Let me know when you're touring.
    I'm repeating myself, but you're faster than a speeding comedy bullet.

  31. @Basque: The Trombone Fart is definitely something to be proud of, and they were right to show it off. Thanks for calling me delightful!

    @Dr: Well shit, thanks... does that mean I would get an A in your class?

    @Antares: I'm also able to leap small improv troupes in a single bound.

  32. all good advice - don't forget to have a good walk around the room before entering your stall if the place is empty. I made the mistake of diving straight in once and the "motion sensitive" lights failed to see me. this left me sat in the dark waiting for someone else to arrive.
    When they did they must have been quite confused that the lights were off but the stall was engaged - right up until they heard me giggling. i have an all too distinctive giggle.