Thursday, February 10, 2011

Watch Your Mouth.

There are plenty of situations that arise when a person’s brain filter doesn't catch a nugget of truth on its way past the vocal cords and out of the mouth, causing a person to say something that creates an awkward and uncomfortable situation for all of those involved.  This is often referred to as putting your foot in your mouth.  I’m not going to discuss that here.  Out of context, there is no way for me to know what is or isn't appropriate to say in whatever situation you are in.  Clearly saying something along the lines of “kind of like how your mother used to be an actual prostitute in a real brothel” is probably not something you want to say.  If you have the nerve to blurt out things that are obviously taboo, then you may very well deserve whatever shunning will certainly follow.  What I would like to do is help you avoid certain situations in which you may accidentally say something embarrassing because you did not realize what it could mean, or be interpreted as, as you were actually saying it.

"BLANK my ass."

Sometimes you will hear something that you think is bullshit, and you will wish to call bullshit on the person that said it.  An expression, that is not too uncommon is ‘BLANK my ass’.

“That Jeremy Fapperwheel sure is talented.”
“Talented my ass!”

In this case, clearly you did not agree that Fapperwheel had any talent.  This is totally acceptable.  You just need to be careful what sort of statement you are using this on.  It can get you into a strange predicament.

“So you don’t think he has any talent?”
“No, I really don’t think Jeremy Fapperwheel is all he is cracked up to be.”
“What are you saying? Come on, man!” 
“Come on my ass!”

Once the awkward silence subsided, the two relative strangers went about their day, as if no sexual advances had in fact been made.

"Don’t BLANK me."

Similar to ‘BLANK my ass’, you really just need to make sure that what you are putting into this context can’t be taken in a different direction.

“You honestly think that your mullet is cool?  Whatever dude.”
“Don’t whatever me!”

That sounds ok, I suppose.  It’s a bit lame, but it works.

“You honestly think that your rat tail is cool? Come on, man!”
“Don’t come on me!”

On top of the discomfort you both will feel, if anyone else is in ear range of your conversation, they may start to question what’s going on in your cubicle.  I guess maybe just try to avoid being told to “come on”.   If told to “come on” run away as fast as you can.

"Fucking BLANK."

I understand that the ‘f’ word is a wonderful word used to enhance many statements in today’s modern conversation.  If during your exchange with another human, you should feel strongly enough about a certain something, you may throw it in there for good measure. 

“Was Smokey and the Bandit any good?”
“Man, it was fucking amazing!”

Seems totally acceptable to me, your sentiment is both heard and emphasized.  However if you try to use it in the same way, under different circumstances, and emphasize the wrong part of a sentence, the outcome can be severely altered.

“Was Burt Reynolds any good in it?”
“Man, I want to be fucking Burt Reynolds.”
“Like… circa 1977, or like Boogie Nights era?  Present day?  I guess he was really good…”

Clearly what was meant was something a little less lustful.

“Man, I want to fucking be Burt Reynolds.”

It is all in what you emphasize.  The response that followed works in either case, but the feeling is very fucking different.   Also, never start a sentence with an ‘f’ bomb, as it can lead to you demanding people to do the unthinkable.  Perhaps, for example, you mean to inform someone that your mom sent a text to you.

“My mom sent me a text.”

Great.  However, when people get carried away with the ol’ fuck word, sometimes it gets slipped into the beginning of every statement.

“Fuck!  My mom sent me a text.”

Written out, you may see nothing wrong.  Like "Holy shit! My mom [..]".  But, read it fast.  That’s right, you just told someone to “fuck my mom”.  Time for you to go stick your head in the oven my friend.  Fucking use fuck carefully, fuck.  Perhaps this is how those mother-brothel rumors get started.

"I’ll BLANK you."

That’s right, another one where context can really do you in.

“Put the stapler back next time!”
“I’ll put you back next time!”

That makes a certain amount of sense.  Is it witty?  No.  But I suppose one could argue that it has a certain je-ne-sais-quoi.  But things can go dreadfully wrong.

“Would you mind turning the light on? “
“I’ll turn you on!”
“Shit, what kind of office is this?”

You can even take it a step further.

“Blow out the candles!”
“I’ll blow you!”
“My kind of party…”

Rather than risk any danger, maybe just discontinue the use of the ‘I’ll BLANK you’.  As we have just seen, it doesn’t work that well even when it does work, regardless of its je-ne-sais-quoi qualities.

"Hi how are you?"  [BRAINFART].

These are self explanatory.  There are so many ways in which you can respond something completely nonsensical. 

“How’s it going?” – “Not much, you?” or
“Hey, what’s up?” – “Pretty good, yourself?” or
“Hi.” – “Can’t complain, how about you?” or
“Can you believe this weather?” – “Hey.” etc.

You get the idea.  You look stupid when, really, you just don’t care enough to formulate an adequate response.

So, listen, if these kinds of things happen to you a lot, all I can suggest is that you try and slow down the speed with which you answer questions.  Sure, you’ll be called “a little slow” or “dumb” behind your back, but it beats the alternative.  I think.  Maybe it doesn’t.  Just stop talking altogether.  Give people little more than a nod, or a tip of the hat.  The vow of silence will make you look noble and courageous, or, like a creepy mime.  Either way, people might finally start leaving you alone.  And isn’t that really what all of this was about?

That’s it.  I have to go practice my 'walking against the wind' and shit.


  1. I am some times like this. Not so much that I dont think before I talk, but more as I have shit to say and I just say it. Yes I could use a filter at times.

    Im somewhat an abrasive person. : (

  2. Solid work. I think the only one I ever really noticed was your Burt Reynolds example though. Better keep my ears open.

  3. Mom jokes are the best. Unless you make a mom joke towards your buddy whose mom recently died. Totally happened to my husband once. He should probably go with silent nod thing.

  4. ...and yet my favorite people just don't think before they speak example will always be:
    Them: "I could care less"
    Me: "Really? That's awesome! How much less?"

  5. @KittyCat: That's ok, as long as you're aware o i, be as abrasive as you want.

    @Cerealist: Listen hard.

    @Dorn: Hahahaha! Maybe you can teach me the Invisible Wall miming action...

    @Heather: Yeah, that's the kind of obvious taboo I'm talking about.

    @Goofy: Yeah, I have a whole other rant about NON statements like that. It's not ready though.

  6. I think i do all of those... and I want to go to that party

  7. You are so wise. I told a guy at work that it was so cold that I had to get my furry muff out. He was then laughing so much that I said that I'd probably have to show him my furry muff so he knew what I was talking about.

    I really hope this makes sense to Americans!

    Btw - your comment on my recent post was my favourite. Even though it was a bit rude!

    Rapunzel x
    *Tales from the Tower*

  8. Thanks for the warning. Since you're going to be shitting while walking against the wind, I'll be sure to watch where I stand.

    And shit.

  9. oh yeah, kev?


    hahahahahahaha! burn.

  10. Yea, I pretty much put my foot in my mouth all the time. I'm sure I've done absolutely all of these. My solution (instead of just thinking) is just to burst out laughing to diffuse the situation. Own your idiotic sayings I say.

  11. Hmm. Consider the statement "I put my foot in my mouth" itself. One should certainly not substitute "foot" in that particular sentence for a variety of other nouns referring to one's body parts. *awkward pause* *crickets*

  12. Grammar textbooks really need to be updated to include this kind of stuff.

  13. @Glen: Your invitation is in the mail... wait.. what?

    @Rapunzel: Well thank you! And yeah, furry muff makes sense... although it doesn't make sense that you'd be broadcasting how furry it is to strangers... And wait, rude? Me?! NEVER!

    @Vinny: The important thing is to shit while walking AGAINST the wind, otherwise it flies back up onto the back of your head. And shit.

    @Antares: Yes, yes I was saying.

    @Kage: The least you could do is use "SHAFT" instead of burn, which I have CLEARLY stated a preference for in the past. I'll let it go, this time, because it's you.

    @Chris: I won't lie, every one of these is based on a real situation. The "Fuck, my mom" actually happened on stage while doing stand-up. I paused and said "WAIT! DON'T FUCK MY MOM!"... It was easily the best accidental laugh I had ever gotten.

    @dbs: Hahaha! Imagine? "I totally put my dick in my mouth... wait..."

    @tatty: I'm working on it. I have been talking to school boards.

  14. Great post, had a blast reading it! Thanks!

  15. I always giggle to myself (as a man, I don't usually admit to 'giggling.' Ooops, just did) when I hear that 80s song, "Come on, Eileen" by some British or Irish group who danced in the streets of London and whose lead singer wore bib overalls without a shirt (or something like that).
    I hope they at least had the decency to offer Eileen a warm washcloth when they were done.
    Thanks for all the tips (which, coincidentally, is also something you hear at a mass Bris)!

  16. @Bz: I aim to please.

    @Loach: Indeed!

    @Al: About the song, very good point, and I also always giggled like a little school girl. About the tips and the mass circumcision... GROSS!

  17. Great fun, really. For once I believe the About me section, you're a comedian, no mistaking.
    Nahno ∗ McLein

  18. That might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

  19. I use "your face" more than I care to admit with a sprinking of "in your pants." And that has set me up for very uncomfortable situations indeed.

    I kind of like it though...


  20. As long as you're not talking to children, I suppose it could be good not too clean fun.