Watch Your Mouth.

There are plenty of situations that arise when a person’s brain filter doesn't catch a nugget of truth on its way past the vocal cords and out of the mouth, causing a person to say something that creates an awkward and uncomfortable situation for all of those involved.  This is often referred to as putting your foot in your mouth.  I’m not going to discuss that here.  Out of context, there is no way for me to know what is or isn't appropriate to say in whatever situation you are in.  Clearly saying something along the lines of “kind of like how your mother used to be an actual prostitute in a real brothel” is probably not something you want to say.  If you have the nerve to blurt out things that are obviously taboo, then you may very well deserve whatever shunning will certainly follow.  What I would like to do is help you avoid certain situations in which you may accidentally say something embarrassing because you did not realize what it could mean, or be interpreted as, as you were actually saying it.

"BLANK my ass."

Sometimes you will hear something that you think is bullshit, and you will wish to call bullshit on the person that said it.  An expression, that is not too uncommon is ‘BLANK my ass’.

“That Jeremy Fapperwheel sure is talented.”

“Talented my ass!”

In this case, clearly you did not agree that Fapperwheel had any talent.  This is totally acceptable.  You just need to be careful what sort of statement you are using this on.  It can get you into a strange predicament.

“So you don’t think he has any talent?”

“No, I really don’t think Jeremy Fapperwheel is all he is cracked up to be.”

“What are you saying? Come on, man!” 

“Come on my ass!”

“…”

Once the awkward silence subsided, the two relative strangers went about their day, as if no sexual advances had in fact been made.

"Don’t BLANK me."

Similar to ‘BLANK my ass’, you really just need to make sure that what you are putting into this context can’t be taken in a different direction.

“You honestly think that your mullet is cool?  Whatever dude.”

“Don’t whatever me!”

That sounds ok, I suppose.  It’s a bit lame, but it works.

“You honestly think that your rat tail is cool? Come on, man!”

“Don’t come on me!”

On top of the discomfort you both will feel, if anyone else is in ear range of your conversation, they may start to question what’s going on in your cubicle.  I guess maybe just try to avoid being told to “come on”.   If told to “come on” run away as fast as you can.

"Fucking BLANK."

I understand that the ‘f’ word is a wonderful word used to enhance many statements in today’s modern conversation.  If during your exchange with another human, you should feel strongly enough about a certain something, you may throw it in there for good measure. 

“Was Smokey and the Bandit any good?”

“Man, it was fucking amazing!”

Seems totally acceptable to me, your sentiment is both heard and emphasized.  However if you try to use it in the same way, under different circumstances, and emphasize the wrong part of a sentence, the outcome can be severely altered.

“Was Burt Reynolds any good in it?”

“Man, I want to be fucking Burt Reynolds.”

“Like… circa 1977, or like Boogie Nights era?  Present day?  I guess he was really good…”

Clearly what was meant was something a little less lustful.

“Man, I want to fucking be Burt Reynolds.”

It is all in what you emphasize.  The response that followed works in either case, but the feeling is very fucking different.   Also, never start a sentence with an ‘f’ bomb, as it can lead to you demanding people to do the unthinkable.  Perhaps, for example, you mean to inform someone that your mom sent a text to you.

“My mom sent me a text.”

Great.  However, when people get carried away with the ol’ fuck word, sometimes it gets slipped into the beginning of every statement.

“Fuck!  My mom sent me a text.”

Written out, you may see nothing wrong.  Like "Holy shit! My mom [..]".  But, read it fast.  That’s right, you just told someone to “fuck my mom”.  Time for you to go stick your head in the oven my friend.  Fucking use fuck carefully, fuck.  Perhaps this is how those mother-brothel rumors get started.

"I’ll BLANK you."

That’s right, another one where context can really do you in.

“Put the stapler back next time!”

“I’ll put you back next time!”

That makes a certain amount of sense.  Is it witty?  No.  But I suppose one could argue that it has a certain je-ne-sais-quoi.  But things can go dreadfully wrong.

“Would you mind turning the light on? “

“I’ll turn you on!”

“Shit, what kind of office is this?”

You can even take it a step further.

“Blow out the candles!”

“I’ll blow you!”

“My kind of party…”

Rather than risk any danger, maybe just discontinue the use of the ‘I’ll BLANK you’.  As we have just seen, it doesn’t work that well even when it does work, regardless of its je-ne-sais-quoi qualities.

"Hi how are you?" – [BRAINFART].

These are self explanatory.  There are so many ways in which you can respond something completely nonsensical. 

“How’s it going?” – “Not much, you?” or

“Hey, what’s up?” – “Pretty good, yourself?” or

“Hi.” – “Can’t complain, how about you?” or

“Can you believe this weather?” – “Hey.” etc.

You get the idea.  You look stupid when, really, you just don’t care enough to formulate an adequate response.

So, listen, if these kinds of things happen to you a lot, all I can suggest is that you try and slow down the speed with which you answer questions.  Sure, you’ll be called “a little slow” or “dumb” behind your back, but it beats the alternative.  I think.  Maybe it doesn’t.  Just stop talking altogether.  Give people little more than a nod, or a tip of the hat.  The vow of silence will make you look noble and courageous, or, like a creepy mime.  Either way, people might finally start leaving you alone.  And isn’t that really what all of this was about?

That’s it.  I have to go practice my 'walking against the wind' and shit.