Monday, March 28, 2011

Hairy Situations.

Hair is a complex entity. When it comes right down to it, there is really only one place that we consistently like to encounter hair: on our heads. Whether on the body, off the body, on the head, or wherever, hair is generally a tremendous pain in the ass. That being said, there are places that are, hands down, the worst places to find hair. Allow me to guide you through this hairy hall of shame. 

On the Body. 

You will have to forgive me, in advance, for my somewhat gender biased approach to body hair and the unfortunate places that one might come across said hair. I am coming from the point of view of a male humanoid, but, please know that, I do agree that women have it way worse when it comes to hair. Oh sure, the male species may, in general, have more of it, but for women, unfortunately, nearly everywhere that hair naturally grows is frowned upon and looked at as undesirable. 

We have brainwashed our entire civilization to assume that any hair found on women, other than on the head, should immediately be dealt with in an excruciatingly painful way. We have to train ourselves to see a hairy lady as a beautiful natural beast. Unfortunately, as it is, we see a hairy lady, and we assume troglodyte. Is that fair to the dirty stinky unhygienic she-ogre? 


Armpit hair, leg hair, bikini zone, arm hair… The amount of time and effort that women have to put into the hair on their body is ridiculous. Everything is judged with a fine tooth comb (no pun intended). That being said, allow me to navigate you through what I feel to be the worst places to find hair, on the body. If you are a woman, multiply any of these by a million, in terms of annoyance and grief factor, and burn your bra. 

3) Unibrow 

There’s a fine line between a regular human and a Neanderthal. That fine line is the line that connects two eyebrows together, forming one solid Unibrow. There is a small window of people that can pull off this look, people like Bert (of Bert and Ernie fame). Unless you are Bert, you will most likely need to take care of it. I suggest an awful routine of tear inducing plucking, followed by a healthy dose of cursing your hairy parents, and their furry brows. 

Try to stick to only plucking the connection between the two individual eyebrows. Once you start trying to play God and shape your eyebrows into something new and enticing, you run the risk of overdoing it and reducing your eyebrows down to a ghoulish penciled in line (even worse if it literally is penciled in with some kind of makeup marker and there actually is no hair left), causing a perpetual look of confusion and intrigue. This will look far worse than the initial Unibrow, and will likely send you to jail, should you ever be part of a police lineup. 

Definitely, Number 3, just look at those pencil-thin eyebrows and that permanently guilty expression.” 
“What about Number 2?” 
“What the guy with the solid line over his eyes? Unibrow? No way, he looks like he collects stamps.”
“Bert, you’re free to go.” 

2) Hobbit Feet 

If foot hair somehow miraculously made a person more desirable to the opposite sex, then maybe there would be some case to argue that hairy feet and toes could be a positive physical trait. Unfortunately, this is not the reality that we live in. And really, would you want to be with someone who was into foot hair? Sexually

You might think that hairy feet would stay warm. You would be dead wrong. My hairy feet are constantly freezing cold, and yet somehow, ridiculously moist and sweaty throughout most of the day. Some might want to blame bad circulation for my cold and smelly feet, but I know better. It’s that damn hair. 

After an entire day of wearing socks, the foot hair actually hurts, kind of like when you wear a baseball cap all day, and then it hurts to move your head hair. And forget about comfortably wearing sandals and flip flops. The hair gets pulled at, and, you have to survive mountains of clever and amusing insults, such as 

“Hey, what’s it like living in the Shire?” or 
“Don’t eat me, ogre!!!!”, 

rendering your confidence to an abnormally low level. I can’t even imagine what a hairy-footed lady must have to endure. And the skin on the top of the foot is so thin that trying any kind of hair removal would basically be torture. I don’t recommend torture, so, as a result, it is a constant struggle to decide which is indeed the lesser of two evils: being seen with socks and sandals, or showing off your hairy hooves. 

Since stupid science is not yet advanced enough to offer hairy feet people with the option to amputate and replace their feet with sexy smooth robot feet, I’m afraid my only advice is to keep them covered up, until science catches up. Once they do, though, I’m totally paying extra to have guns and rockets put on mine. Science and Mattel still haven’t delivered the Hover Boards that were promised to us by Back to the Future II, but I feel that my eventual jet-powered rocket feet (complete with guns and racing stripes) will more than make up for it. 

For the record, I am not talking about one or two cute little hairs sticking out of one toe-knuckle, or a couple of little strays on the top of the foot. I am talking about a thick concentrated jungle of hair completely connected to the leg hair, creating one uniform and continuous river of fur flowing all the way from crotch to toes. 

1) Nose Hair 

If nose hair would just stick to its primary function and remain hidden within the nostril, it wouldn’t find itself in the top spot. Alas, nose hair frequently ventures out of its home searching for dust and dirt with which to form the finest of snots. Often times, it brings a booger with it on its journey out of the nostril rim, indifferent to how poorly this will reflect on you, during your one-on-one meeting with your manager. 

After giving your two weeks’ notice, on your way home from the office, should you decide to pluck the stray nose hair, you will be rewarded with pain, watery eyes, and the high possibility of forming a dreaded inside-the-nose zit. Also, you’re holding a nose hair, which looks like some kind of mutant insect leg. 

Each of these painstaking battles with your nose hair is part of a lifelong war, and honestly, if you look at any elderly person, it is quite clear that it is a war that the nose hair will inevitably win. 

Eventually you will give up, and over time you will become nothing more than a filthy bouquet of nose hair, with a face around it. 

I say, embrace it now, and let them go hog wild. 

On the Body - Honorable Mentions: 

Back & Shoulder Hair – care for a banana? 
Ass Hair – wiping just got a whole lot harder! 
Ear Hair – what is that constant rustling sound! 
Knuckle Hair – I repeat, care for a banana? 
Facial Hair – let’s face it, shaving sucks! 
Genital Hair – no explanation necessary! 

Off the Body. 

Now, as offensive and repugnant as unwanted body hair may be, it pales in comparison to finding hair anywhere off of the body. In this case, man, woman, child, or Wookie, we are all in the same nasty hairy boat. 

3) Foreign Shower Stranger Danger 

When you step into a hotel shower, often times, it has been thoroughly cleaned and disinfected, so you likely will not encounter any wild hairs. I’m pretty sure if you find one, you can complain and get free breakfast out of it. Seems fair. 

The showers that contain the most offensive wild hairs are shared showers that, unlike hotels, are not washed in between visitors.  These are the showers at friends' or relatives' houses, public showers like in a gym, or, even your own shower, if you happen to share it with people that you do not also make sex on (in some cases, the stray hairs of your partner in sexy sex may still disgust you, especially when it is time to wipe that hair catcher drain thing clean - don’t worry, your secret is safe with me). 

When faced with this foreign shower stranger danger, there are few ways to help cope. Latex gloves will allow you to touch things such as the shower curtain or faucets without risk of making contact with a hair. Bring your own soap. Because, Lord knows, when a wild hair attaches itself to a soap bar, there is no way of removing it without getting on your skin. 

Because the walls may in fact be lined with nasty long or short hairs, you may want to consider wearing some kind of rubber footwear to protect yourself from runaway hairs that could potentially graze your feet on their wishy washy way down to the drain. Shower caps will do in a pinch. You can also wear a full body wetsuit, but it is harder to get that deep down clean you might be looking for, and I keep getting fucking shampoo in the snorkel! 

The only sure way to avoid all icky shower hairs is to simply not shower. 

I will leave it up to you to decide which is worse: have a bad smell day, or risk touching rabid, loose, possibly diseased, wild hairs. The choice is yours. 

2) Secret Ingredient 

I think we all can agree that food is a pretty bad place to find a hair. There are different levels of severity when it comes to food hair, and what we are talking about here is known as the Secret Ingredient. This is when the hair is mixed deep down into the food, like in the center of your mashed potato pile, or mixed right into your marinara sauce. 

Not to be confused with the Secret Garnish (a.k.a. The Parsley), which is when a hair is gingerly perched atop your salad, rice or steak, the Secret Ingredient is far worse because you can't even attempt to pick it out, as you only find out about it when it is halfway down your throat. 

There really is no advice I can give you, except, if it is a restaurant, the rule is, never go back to said restaurant. If you cause a big enough scene, you might get free breakfast out of it, in which case, feel free to break the rule and go back, because, shit, free breakfast! 

If it is the hair of someone you know, who has just cooked a meal for you, kill this person. Don't worry, they'll never convict you. 

“I plead guilty, but seriously, it was a six incher mixed right into my spaghetti!” 
“Bert, you’re free to go.” 

1) Special Seat Sprinkles - Hair to the Throne

You’re running towards the washroom, number one, number two, either / or, it doesn’t matter, but you need to get there and get things started, stat! You arrive ready to unleash the fury when something catches your eye and interrupts your mojo. 

There’s a pube sprinkled on the seat / bowl / urinal / place one does their business. 

So, a few observations here, how does a hair like this get there? Is there someone who ejects or explodes pubes from their pants as soon as they unzip, like some sort of pube based firework display? Is it actually a head hair, and if so, what is the person’s head doing so close to the pee and/or poo zone? Was there some furious wiping that caused some bum hair shedding? Who looks at the bowl on their way out, sees a bunch of their hairs and decides, “Hey, I’ll leave it for the next visitor”? 

An asshole, that’s who. 

The best way to deal with this problem is to always go to the washroom armed with matches, so that you can light fire to the suspect hairs. As an added bonus, it will warm up the seat on those frosty winter morns. Also, it could help with the smell factor, if needed. 

If you are looking to be inconspicuous, I would say use a regular matchbook, found in most restaurants and bars. If, like me, you are afraid that the short match size might allow the hair to touch you while burning, I suggest those really long wooden matches normally used to light fire to the logs in a fireplace. It is not recommended, however, to attempt to light any logs that you may have dropped in th bowl, they are not made of wood, and will not catch fire. 

If you are scared of burning yourself, I suggest you use a leaf blower. 

Off the body - Honorable Mentions: 

Your Cubicle – someone’s been sleeping in my bed! 
Treadmill – I bet it’s sweaty too! It is! 
Seat on the Bus – I wonder where it’s going! Answer, your face!
Stuck to the T.V. – I knew that wasn't part of the show! 
The Wall – seriously, how the fuck did that get there, and how is it staying there? 

I think these are just some of the many reasons why anytime you hear about futuristic alien societies coming to visit crazy rural folk, they are hairless, smooth and shiny. I think all intelligent beings will just eventually evolve themselves out of having hair. We, as a race, just aren’t there yet, which is probably why the aliens never stick around. They get off the Mothership and are like “ewww, there’s fucking hair everywhere here, lets bail.” 

That’s it. I need to go draw myself some eyebrows.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Writer's Block, Vol. IV.

There I am behind a bumper with a bumper sticker on it that reads “HONK if you like musicals”. I have already declared a hatred for anything stupid to do with automobiles (see: Stupid is as Stupid Drives), but there’s just something even more special about this one. Now, no matter the massive amount of honks and cries coming from fellow road travelers, this person gets to drive like an asshole, and carry on ignorant and happy, like a child who just shit his pants during brunch at Applebee's. Did I honk at them when they cut me off? 

Absolutely, I did. 

Do I worry that instead of thinking “Oh curse my awful driving, I may have just pulled some asshole-ish maneuver just now, here in mine vehicle, at the expense of this fine specimen of wonderful driving”, he actually thought, “Oh man, I wonder which is his favorite. Me? Oh I’m an Andrew Lloyd Webber man, as far as I am concerned it just don’t get no better than Phantom, except maybe Grease”? 

Even more absolutely, I do.

If Lloyd Webber fan is so damn passionate about musicals, then they need to get a bumper sticker that will make it a little bit easier to distinguish who is honking at them because of their elderly-blind-person driving abilities versus who is honking because they've seen ‘Cats’ forty times and touches themselves to visions of Mister Mistoffelees shoving his tail up their ass. I suggest changing it to something like “Give three brief honks, followed by one long honk, if you like musicals”. Also, depending on the rhythm and panache with which the person carries out this specialty honk, Captain Bumper Sticker can even measure just how musical this other driver is.

Maybe if there is a good enough honk, they can both pull over and break into song together. And that will give me the opportunity to run my car into their heads and/or brains.

Once I passed by the driver, I gave them the obligatory evil glare, and to my delight, it was not an old Asian lady like we all generally assume it to be when we notice someone driving like a four-year-old on the bumper cars at Canobie Lake Park, but a young student eating a breakfast burrito with his big fucking sunglasses on. Hooray world, for proving me wrong.

While I was glancing at Studious Burrito I ran my car into the back of a Ford Focus, being driven by an old Asian lady. Hooray world, for your delicious irony.

No, not really. But these are the exciting scenarios that run through my brain when I should be either focusing on the road, or on the work that I am supposed to be doing this very moment. 

Maybe it’s just the fact that the mornings are darker and it’s harder to wake up. The nights are brighter, so I stay up later, and that makes the mornings even darker, and even more impossible. But, regardless, please take the damn bumper stickers off of your car, or please go and drive your car off a cliff. Whether or not you are in it as it travels off of said cliff, is entirely up to you. I will trust you to do the right thing.

That’s it. I've got to go watch re-runs of ‘Glee’.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Express Yourself, Again.

While I have previously discussed the idea of awesome expressions that disappear (see: Express Yourself), I don’t feel like I have even scratched the surface of the world of slang, be it good or bad.  Please follow along with me, as I list some more words and expressions and explain why we need to work together to bring them back into circulation.

!) Bad.

I miss being able to say something is bad, to mean that it is good.  At some point someone thought bad-ass just made more sense, I guess.  Instead of “that’s a bad skateboard you got” it became “that’s a bad-ass skateboard you got”. Why?  What is this need to add 'ass' to everything.  Don’t we have enough 'ass' as it is (feel free to add whatever mental picture you want, whether it’s some Kardashian, a parade of Biggest Loser contestants, or some reality show about sexy people)?  Bad was doing just fine on its own, sans 'ass'.  This tends to happen with lots of words though.  Cheap becomes cheap-ass, lame is lame-ass and so on and so forth.  Drop the 'ass' act people. 

On a side note, do you think it was Michael Jackson that made everyone uncomfortable and in turn made it no longer cool to call something bad?  Too soon?

@) Bumblast.

On the topic of ass, we used to often employ the term bumblast.  Now it was generally used in derogatory schoolyard conversations attached to a lot of the other homophobic insults hat were thrown about so hastily back then and perhaps that was why it disappeared.  The homophobia needs to stay gone, but it is a shame, really, that we weren't able to hold on to 'bumblast'.  Because, rather than use this in a way like “oh yeah, well you and Max like to bumblast each other all night long” we could simply use it in a more adult conversation.

“I’m into anal.”

That doesn’t sound too appealing at all.  It sounds all icky and scientific.


Hell yes – sign me up, like a rocket to the moon! Now that sounds like fun.

#) Sucks the bag.

When something really sucks, we used to say that it 'sucks the bag'.  It’s brilliant because it leaves it up to you the listener to decide what kind of bag it actually is, what is contained within the bag, and how you would go about successfully sucking on it.  Is it the bag itself, or what is contained within the bag?  So many questions... If you have ever heard Louis CK’s routine about sucking a bag of dicks, you’ll understand the gist of what I am saying here.

How could we have let this one fade away? 

$) Poser.

I think poser died along with the grunge movement and the word ‘shaft’.  Essentially it means the same thing as phoney, but it just feels more insulting, doesn’t it?  I understood why ‘whigger’ died, because frankly, it is offensive on numerous levels, but poser is so wholesome and real.  There is something to be said about an insult that sounds so gentle and yet calls to question a person’s entire existence.

“Nice hat, poser.”

It’s like weenie (see: Weenie Roast) or party pooper.  It may sound wholesome, but no one wants to be one.

%) Japanimation.

At some point this became Anime, and personally I don’t think that it has the same ring to it, at all.  Japanimation doesn’t sound nerdy or dorky, it just sounds like exactly what it is.  It's fun to say, unlike Anime (pronounced like a Spanish word or something... what the fuck) or Manga or stupid words like that sound like something off of the periodic table of the elements, which in turn, makes them sound even nerdier and thus even lamer.  Maybe I just exposed my nerdiness by referring to the elements, but whatever.  At least I don’t watch Anime.  I watch Japanimation.

There are tons more trash talking words that I can think of that don’t get the airtime that they used to, like dickwad, shit for brains or numbnuts.  While I won’t get into every one of them here, do your best to revive cool old insults, expressions and slang.  Start with the ones I have discussed, but then, come up with your own list of forgotten gems that we can all work on together as one harmonious society.

That’s it.  I’ve got a big-ass headache.