Requesting an Audience.

Going to the movies is not what it used to be.  And no, I don’t mean because tickets cost infinity and no one can even afford salty snacks or sugary treats any more.  It's not the gigantic overcrowded parking lots and uncomfortable saggy wobbly seats.  It's not the sticky floors and smelly recirculated air.  While all of those factors definitely add to my frustration, what actually sends me over the edge is the movie goer population, made up of horrifyingly annoying people.  If you are in fact one of the cinemorons that I am about to describe, then please do us all a favor and stop going to the movies, forever and ever.  If, like me, you are stuck dealing with these people, hopefully this helps you cope, and realize that you are not alone when facing the human obstacles that stand between you and a pleasurable viewing experience.

A) Talking Heads

I don’t mean a tiny whisper into your neighbour’s ear.  I mean talking or whispering so loud that everyone can hear.  If you have the balls to be a shusher, or call the fuzz (the dreaded pimple-faced teenager with a flashlight), then please do so for the sake of everyone.  You may even get applause upon successfully terminating the talking.  Personally I just like to throw my drink at their head.  Well, I don’t actually do it, except of course in my non erotic fantasies.

The Narrator

This is the person cheerfully sitting with the dumbest person, possibly in the entire world, and decides it is their responsibility to explain everything that is happening throughout the entire movie, so that ol’ half wit can keep up.  Sometimes the half wit is a child, which does not excuse this behaviour.  It is still completely fucking unacceptable.  

Take them to see Justin Bieber and keep them the hell out of my movie theatre (whether we’re talking about a child or not).

The Detective

This is the person whose powers of deduction are so startlingly poor, that they might actually feel that the comments that they are announcing to the crowd have not crossed the mind of every single living thing in nature.

Scene: Bruce Wayne lowers himself into a cave, full of bats.  

The Detective says: “The Batcave!  I think that will become the batcave.”

Scene: Bruce Wayne is presented with a prototype armoured vehicle.  

The Detective says: “The Batmobile!  Did you see the Batmobile?”

Scene: A new villain leaves behind his calling card, the Joker from a deck of cards.

The Detective says: “The Joker!  Oh I bet it’s the Joker, the new villain is the Joker.”

Even half-wit I mentioned before probably figured these ones out.  I can’t even imagine what an actual conversation with one of these people would be like.

“Oh wow.  You kicked me square in the nuts.  I bet that means that you have a problem with me.”

The Stand-In

This is the person that has already seen the film, and thinks that loudly fucking up lines of dialogue moments before they are actually spoken in the movie will somehow gain them some kind of street cred.  Honestly what’s the thought process here?  That afterwards we’ll all join together and say “Oh, YOU were the guy that knew all the lines, man, you were so cool, even when you messed 95% of them up you totally improved the movie, I preferred your version, and you’re the winner of life”?  

You know what?  Fuck you.

The Too Cool for School

Maybe he’s on his cell phone, maybe he’s with some other asshole and they are talking about the stock market, but the point is, with how expensive the ticket and snacks are, you have to really be ignorant to sit in a movie theatre, think you’re too good to bother paying attention and carelessly ruin everyone else’s fun.  You’ve just paid a bunch of money to promote and showcase just how much of a piece of shit you are.  

Congratulations.

The Open Book

This is the person that screams in horror films.  They say “OH MY GOD!” or “DIOS!” or “I CAN’T WATCH!” when there is a tense and suspenseful scene.  They laugh way too hard during funny scenes (they’re all “THAT’S HILARIOUS!”).  They say “YES!” really loud when something triumphant transpires.  They might even say “OH NO!” as something bad is happening or “I DON’T BELIEVE IT!” when a sad scene arises.  The worst ones actually try and talk to the characters on screen, in the hopes that the movie is actually some sort of interactive Choose Your Own Adventure, that the projectionist can and will swap in different rolls of film depending on the reactions of the crowd... “DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!”  

Please, hold that shit in, from now on, until the end of time.

B) Make Some Noise

Coughy

Whether choking on expensive popcorn, loosening up some phlegm from a nasty cold or just the result of an overall shitty airway system, Coughy will gross you out and ruin your movie.

Chewy

This is the kind of person that gets the stickiest candy and produces wet smack noises in between moo-cow grade mastication noises.  Chewy doesn’t care about you.  Chewy wants you to have an awful time.

Crumply

“My popcorn bag is almost empty, but rather than just put it aside, I will fold it over one million times, quite loudly might I add, so that I can save the rest for later” thought Crumply.  Does anyone EVER eat the popcorn they bring home from the movies?  Answer: no.

Slurpy

“MY DRINK’S ALMOST EMPTY. LISTEN TO HOW LOUD I CAN BE!!!!” slurped Slurpy during the film’s climax.  Then he shook the drink to listen to the maraca sound of the ice cubes.

Sobby

Honestly, my heart goes out to Sobby, it really does.  But if a movie is making you sniffle and moan that loudly in public, maybe you should stick to reality.

Your best bet in these noisemaker situations is to give them one of those double-entendre coughs, It's a cough, but it really means “Ahem… excuse me, but please refrain from further nuisances” (picture that in a snooty euro-trash kind of accent).  Just don’t do it too often, or you might turn into Coughy.  If the shut up cough doesn’t work, you’ll have to upgrade to a full shush and failing that, once again, resort to the ratting the perpetrator out, if you have the balls of course, as mentioned earlier.  You can always mimic what they are doing, but sometimes people don't clue into that very quickly.  Especially not these keen minds. 

C) Let’s Get Physical

High Beams

This is when the dingbat in front of you is texting or browsing the internet on their phone and blinding you with the light, making it somehow impossible for you to see anything else.  The best thing to do is to turn on your phone and hold it in directly against their eyeball.   They won’t always get why, but chances are they will stop shining the light in your direction since most likely their phone will be on their ear as they call the police.  Hopefully the response time around where you live sucks and you’ll get to see most of the movie.  If you don’t have a phone, use a match, lighter, flashlight or shoe.

Decreased Visibility

I have a huge head so I know to sit low.  People with big heads that haven’t figured this out yet should be in prison.  If it’s the hair that’s making the head in front of you so big, just trim some of it off with a pair of scissors.  It’s dark, and they won’t notice what you've done to them until they get home.  By that time, you’re already half-way to Mexico.

Kick It

Sometimes the person behind you kicks the seat accidentally.  Fine.  Sometimes it happens over and over again.  Noticeably less fine.  Next time this happens start swing your arms behind you.  Once you eventually make contact, turn around and confess “oh, I’m sorry, I, like you, totally forgot that there were other people sitting in the chairs around me.”  You can replace arm swings with throwing ice cubes or gummy worms over your shoulder, and generally, it will produce the same results.

Close Encounters

If the theatre is completely packed, and there is not a single empty seat in the house, then, yes, I understand when a complete stranger sits directly next to me.  But when there are ten thousand empty seats, why would you not give me, at least ONE FUCKING SEAT of buffer zone.  Seriously, it’s like when a dude chooses the urinal right beside me, when there are so many other urinal options to choose from.  These people need help.  

And then I end up feeling guilty when I get up and move over, as if I am telling them that they repulse me, or smell bad.  Well, probably they do, so maybe it’s not such a bad thing.  If no one ever tells them, they will never improve.  Or shower, apparently.  It helps if as you move over you casually mention “God something really smells.”

Please note that these are usually the same people that get up in the middle of an important scene to go to the washroom and step on your foot while shoving their ass in your face.

Peep Show

Honestly, don’t come to the movie theatre just to make out and touch each other’s peens and vageens.  Just go get a motel room.  It’s probably cheaper and maybe even a little more comfortable.  If it’s the public nature of it all that bakes your beans, then at least find somewhere that the rest of us haven’t paid to be.  If you catch someone in this type of scenario, just shine a flashlight on them and yell “TICKETS PLEASE!”  They’ll probably stop, if not, try hitting them with it, repeatedly.

Maybe I just didn’t notice it as much when I was a kid, but it really feels like it’s getting worse and worse.  The only real way to get around these obstacles is to go to the movies when absolutely no one else is there, in the middle of a weekday, on your half hour lunch break.  I know what you’re thinking, that there would be lots of old people there at that time, and that, certainly old people must fit into many of the above mentioned categories.  Wrong.  And shame on you for stereotyping.  Old people fall asleep when they go to the movies, and don’t bother anyone.  Unless they start snoring, at which point it is best to shove a kernel of popcorn into each of their nostrils.

That’s it.  The best scene is coming up.