Thursday, January 27, 2011

Please Put Your Hands Together.

There is a select group of visionaries in this universe that were born with the gift of making fart noises with their hands.  They are called the Windbreakers.  Being one of the chosen few, I recognize my power and respect the responsibilities that come along with it.  A lot of folks assume that all it takes is sweaty palms and a little determination.  This may be true of armpit, under the knee, or mouth to hand fart noises, but does not apply to the Hand Fart.  The Hand Fart is a whole other beast.  While wet palms can give birth to a wider array of flatulent sounds, it is the shape and size of the palm that seem to create this innate ability.  You either have it, or you don’t.  It’s like being able to wiggle your ears, or fold your tongue in half.  I’m pretty sure they talked about in Biology class.

If you are among the Windbreakers, you mustn’t just produce Hand Farts whenever you please, all Willy Nilly and shit.  Certain situations call for them, and others do not.  It is important to know when it is your duty to step up to the plate, and when you should just let the pitch go by, no matter how tempting it may be to squeeze one out.  Allow me to help.  Even if you are not a card carrying member of the Windbreakers (I am in the process of having physical cards made), you may continue reading, to better educate yourself on exactly what it means to be able to make fart noises with your hands, and what it takes to be a part of this elite group of sound effect champions.

The following are some examples of moments when a Windbreaker is required to produce a noise.  From it, you may extrapolate a much longer list of vital situations in which they are destined to fulfill their duties.

- In class whenever the teacher bends over
- In church whenever the priest coughs
- During any tense and suspenseful silent scene in any film
- Whenever there is a pause in a conference call
- When you can’t sleep
- The moment that a good idea pops into your head (unless the good idea is to make a fart noise, at which point, just one will suffice)
- When your spouse leaves the bed in the middle of the night to pee and/or poo
- When the doorbell rings, after you stand up and say, “I’ll get it”
- While actually farting (covers up the noise, however, does nothing for the smell)
- When a woman in a bikini jumps off of a diving board
- After saying goodnight to a houseguest
- When passing by an aerobics class (lean into the classroom for better reverb)
- On a ski lift, when people ski under you
- When an elderly person opens a refrigerator
- When someone tells a racist joke at a dinner party, during the awkward silence
- As soon as someone stops tap-dancing or clogging
- Anytime after January that someone wishes you a Happy New Year

You get the idea.

There are some other important things to remember.  At times a Hand Fart is considered inappropriate or dangerous.  Please remember the following, taken from the Code of the Windbeaker.

- Never Hand Fart and drive
- Never Hand Fart at a funeral (unless it’s in a church and the priest coughs)
- Never interrupt your spouse with a Hand Fart
- Never use a lubricant to increase your Hand Fart range and volume
- Never attempt to create music with Hand Farts
- Never Hand Fart at the dinner table (unless an elderly person opens the refrigerator)
- Never Hand Fart if you are supposed to be holding the ladder steady
- Never use a Hand Fart to try and break-up a crowd or line-up
- Never try and teach someone how to Hand Fart

You can’t teach awesome like that, and don't be fooled by anyone who tries.

I am sure that I missed some important examples, rules, regulations and situations, but you now understand the basics.  One final piece of advice: if you or someone you know has been Hand Farting uncontrollably in their sleep, seek medical attention immediately.  Treatment may involve wool mitts, handcuffs, or in the worst cases, amputation.

That's it. My boss is bending over to pick up a pencil.

38 comments:

  1. With great Hand Farts comes great responsibility. I especially like the bit about Happy New Year after January. And with February right around the corner? Oh joy!

    Just in case you were curious, I was not blessed with this ability. Le'sigh.

    Lorraine

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  2. I'm so jealous! I can't hand fart.
    I'm gonna go practice.

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  3. I'm at work reading this and I can't breathe from holding in my laughter!! I am a Windbreaker, and so proud of it now. Thanks, Kev!

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  4. Wow, I am a little bit intimidated by you, i never knew you had such powers...... Burr.

    Do you watchHow I Met Your Mother? They engage in hand farts whenever, Ted, the main catachter , tries to say something really smart or cultured sounding.

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  5. I would love if this could be somehow incorporated into settling disputes in "The Big Bang Theory." It'd be more entertaining then watching them dance in circles in wrestling tights. xD

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  6. Thanks! I'm off to the grocery store to practice!

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  7. i do not hand fart!

    i hand fluff.

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  8. Damn! Who knew? All these years, after every cough, I could swear I hadn't actually farted! Thanks for the heads up!

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  9. Okay, back from the grocery store. They threw me out!

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  10. Well, I can't say that I've ever tried to hand fart (there's enough farting going on in my house without - not by me of course!), but it was a very funny post. Thanks for the laugh!

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  11. Ha, I can't do it. It just sounds like a bicycle pump when I try.

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  12. @Lorraine: As long as you recognize when a good one is needed, and can play the sound in your head, at least you'll be able to appreciate it.

    @Steph: A Windbreaker all this time without knowing it??? Your card is in the mail.

    @Penny: Don't be intimidated, we are here to serve the public. Like that show, haven't seen that episode though. Sounds like a well timed Hand Fart moment though.

    @DiabolicalMe: Anything would be better than wrestling in tights, I imagine.

    @Al: If they threw you out, than you know you're doing something right.

    @Kage: I figured that you'd squeeze your hands together and bouquets of roses would shower the world.

    @CBC: Wait does that mean... ???

    @Hannah: It takes great restraint and a level of maturity well beyond my capability to have never even attempted to produce a Hand Fart. Good for you.

    @Chris: Silent But Deadly, I guess.

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  13. When I try, it sounds like a dying dolphin. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

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  14. Hmmm - I have a question. I'm not sure if this scenario was covered under "Never interrupt your spouse.." but...

    Is it acceptable to crack one off whilst your wife is maneuvering from normal 'cowgirl' to 'reverse cowgirl' ? I need to know before I inadvertently commit a marriage wrecking hand fart faux-pas

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  15. @Beer: I'm pretty sure that's how ancient ninja warrors used to hunt sharks.

    @Glen: Hand Fart - Acceptable. Real Fart - Frowned Upon...

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  16. I can officially confirm that I lost that ability in childhood. Time flies.

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  17. On second thought, there are some colleagues who would benefit from a colonoscopy. (Including my spellchecker which offered "colonialist").

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  18. You can't just LOSE it. Actually, I guess "use it or lose it" might apply here. But if you had it once, CERTAINLY you could get it again. It's like riding a bike.

    NOW GET BACK UP ON THAT SADDLE.

    As for the colonoscopy comment, I can't say that I understand where it's coming from. Nonetheless, I applaud your enthusiasm.

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  19. Yes Sensei, I'll try harder.

    Thanks to you everyone in your office now thinks they have a flatulence problem.

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  20. Everyone else may THINK they have one, but I KNOW that I have one.

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  21. Did I miss something? What about the hand under the armpit while flapping the arm and making fart sounds? What are those called? What about (unrelated but not entirely) a silent farter who looks around for the guilty party? Got a name for those (not that I do it *looks around three times* at all, ever)

    ツ my cyber house rules

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  22. I gotta be honest with you, Armpit Farts are much less classy. The Hand Fart is subtle and elegant, as it takes a much smaller amount of movement from the Windbreaker.

    I like a good Armpit Fart as much as the next guy, but it is clearly below the Hand Fart on the genius scale.

    For actual farting see here:
    http://highway10revisited.blogspot.com/2010/01/shop-til-you-drop.html

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  23. All Willy Nilly and shit. Love it. If I were a windbreaker I'd be sure to follow the rules. It's probably good that I'm not one, I'd probably get an aneruism (sp?) from all the stress.

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  24. Maybe I can make you an honorary member. I'll try talking to chairman later.

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  25. Thank you. Maybe I can get a "Windbreaker Supporter" card. :)

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  26. I think I'm going to have to practice. I'm such a noob at this that the only kind of fart noise I can pull off resembles the sound of the infamous "silent, but deadly" variety. FAIL.

    You know what they say though, if at first you don't succeed...

    -UD

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  27. So. Good. I need a card though because when I'm at church or visiting old people I might forget. Also, this post reminded me of one of my favourite movie scenes ever. It's when Fat Bastard has a breakdown and shares how unhappy he is about being fat and then of course, farts. Dude. You should be writing screenplays.
    P.S. Uh, just what kind of message are you sending with your choice of photos?

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  28. If you have nothing better to do, or tire of your extracurricular activities, drop by. Dude, don't blow my secret identity. Ssh.

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  29. @UD: Maybe one day. Until then, at least you have some of the rules in mind.

    @dbs: Yeah, the card has some important key facts to remember. It's made of gold and is the size of an iPad. I assume that's ok. As for the picture, wishful thinking I guess. I'd love to think I belong to a club that the President is a member of. Also, I'd like to picture him hand farting when any Congressman bends over.

    @Antares: Whaaaaa... ??? Is that you Mom?

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  30. LOL.
    Would your mom remind you to wear your protective cup before you shake hands? Actually, if this is an ongoing disability, she might. I'm flattered?

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  31. Love it! The teacher has become the student; I will re-read every word of this post until it's committed to memory. After all, I do have the gift, and used it sparingly throughout my schooling years. If only I had this code to live by.

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  32. I'm hoping you get into pitch and tone of windbreaking next post.

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  33. Tap.tap.tap. The mic is on, but no one is home.

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  34. @Antares: I don't think my mom would. Someone who has read my blog might :)

    @Dr: Yeah, when used properly being a windbreaker made you a GOD in elementary school.

    @Cerealist: All in due time.

    @Antares: Well I'm here now, but at 5:59am I was on my way to work. Does this satusfy you???

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  35. Kev D, you work too? Sorry, Dude. Too much caffeine and I draft plans for world domination.

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  36. Well, it seems as though I haven't been using this skill to it's full potential. I never even THOUGHT of doing it in church.

    I'll have to start going to church again I guess.

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  37. @Antares: Certainly I do. Not hard, but I do work.

    @Katie: Absolutely, that's why I started going again.

    @Dean: THANKS!

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