Please Put Your Hands Together.

There is a select group of visionaries in this universe that were born with the gift of making fart noises with their hands.  They are called the Windbreakers.  Being one of the chosen few, I recognize my power and respect the responsibilities that come along with it.  A lot of folks assume that all it takes is sweaty palms and a little determination.  This may be true of armpit, under the knee, or mouth to hand fart noises, but does not apply to the Hand Fart.  The Hand Fart is a whole other beast.  While wet palms can give birth to a wider array of flatulent sounds, it is the shape and size of the palm that seem to create this innate ability.  You either have it, or you don’t.  It’s like being able to wiggle your ears, or fold your tongue in half.  I’m pretty sure they talked about in Biology class.

If you are among the Windbreakers, you mustn’t just produce Hand Farts whenever you please, all Willy Nilly and shit.  Certain situations call for them, and others do not.  It is important to know when it is your duty to step up to the plate, and when you should just let the pitch go by, no matter how tempting it may be to squeeze one out.  Allow me to help.  Even if you are not a card carrying member of the Windbreakers (I am in the process of having physical cards made), you may continue reading, to better educate yourself on exactly what it means to be able to make fart noises with your hands, and what it takes to be a part of this elite group of sound effect champions.

The following are some examples of moments when a Windbreaker is required to produce a noise.  From it, you may extrapolate a much longer list of vital situations in which they are destined to fulfill their duties.

- In class whenever the teacher bends over

- In church whenever the priest coughs

- During any tense and suspenseful silent scene in any film

- Whenever there is a pause in a conference call

- When you can’t sleep

- The moment that a good idea pops into your head (unless the good idea is to make a fart noise, at which point, just one will suffice)

- When your spouse leaves the bed in the middle of the night to pee and/or poo

- When the doorbell rings, after you stand up and say, “I’ll get it”

- While actually farting (covers up the noise, however, does nothing for the smell)

- When a woman in a bikini jumps off of a diving board

- After saying goodnight to a houseguest

- When passing by an aerobics class (lean into the classroom for better reverb)

- On a ski lift, when people ski under you

- When an elderly person opens a refrigerator

- When someone tells a racist joke at a dinner party, during the awkward silence

- As soon as someone stops tap-dancing or clogging

- Anytime after January that someone wishes you a Happy New Year

You get the idea.

There are some other important things to remember.  At times a Hand Fart is considered inappropriate or dangerous.  Please remember the following, taken from the Code of the Windbeaker.

- Never Hand Fart and drive

- Never Hand Fart at a funeral (unless it’s in a church and the priest coughs)

- Never interrupt your spouse with a Hand Fart

- Never use a lubricant to increase your Hand Fart range and volume

- Never attempt to create music with Hand Farts

- Never Hand Fart at the dinner table (unless an elderly person opens the refrigerator)

- Never Hand Fart if you are supposed to be holding the ladder steady

- Never use a Hand Fart to try and break-up a crowd or line-up

- Never try and teach someone how to Hand Fart

You can’t teach awesome like that, and don't be fooled by anyone who tries.

I am sure that I missed some important examples, rules, regulations and situations, but you now understand the basics.  One final piece of advice: if you or someone you know has been Hand Farting uncontrollably in their sleep, seek medical attention immediately.  Treatment may involve wool mitts, handcuffs, or in the worst cases, amputation.

That's it. My boss is bending over to pick up a pencil.