Friday, July 8, 2011

Keepin' It Real.

It’s no secret that the majority of young (and probably old too) people in America think that the surest way to success and happiness is by being famous, by being on a reality show or some kind of rock star, or actress, or whatever.  It’s everywhere.  Even a lot of people writing on the cyber spaces think that they’ll be plucked for their writing gift and sent on a whirlwind book tour with movie deals and celebrity encounters.  When did becoming famous become the end all solution to life?  

People are force fed extreme drivel twenty four hours a day with shows like the ‘Hill People from Jersey’, or the ‘Real McWives from Buttfuck County’.  These same people then idolize the insanely undereducated ‘funny’ and ‘quirky’ people that they see on television, mostly because they all seem to live a life where all they do is inject themselves with chemicals, spray themselves orange, drink martinis and own dogs.  I'm pretty sure children are accessories.  There are at least one million reality shows at this point, so who can blame kids growing up thinking that that is what life should be?  Do nothing, bitch about stuff and then talk about it live on ‘Bravo’ with that guy who looks stoned all of the time.

I wouldn’t mind peoples’ obsession with reality shows so much if the shows focused a little more on actual reality.  And don’t think that if shows were centered on ‘regular’ people that it wouldn’t be as entertaining, because that’s total crap.  Think about it, think about how many people you know that are one billion times more charismatic and hilarious than ANYONE on these reality shows.

Now if I could just get the attention of stupid people that own networks, we could work on getting all the ‘Following Around Rich and Wannabe Famous Assholes with Cameras’ shows cancelled and replace them with real flesh and blood people (I’m convinced that some of the ‘Housewives’ characters are refurbished animatronic robots from a closed down Chuck E. Cheese restaurant somewhere).  The thing is that, in order for it to stay authentic, the real people featured would have to not get paid for being on the show.  In fact, we would have to prevent them from making any kind of profit from being on the show.  Otherwise, we are right back to square one, following rich assholes around with cameras.  Also, the ‘I Wanna Be Famous’ instinct would kick in the minute that they know that the cameras are focused on them, so we would have to tape the shows secretly, without them knowing that they are even on television (this would only work for one season, so only one season is allowed), like they did with those special hidden cameras that they used to tape ‘Planet Earth’.  Also, the old dude from Jurassic Park could narrate.  

“Welcome… to Jurassic Park.”

Anyways, I’m pretty sure the animals didn’t see a dime from that program, and they stayed all animally and humble.

The people on the shows would all need to fit the following criteria:

a) Not famous
b) Not rich
c) Not crazy

Because we have reality shows about either rich people, or famous people, or crazy people, or people who are all three.  Shows with not rich, not famous, but completely crazy (often diagnosed as such) people seem to be all the rage nowadays, with shows like ‘Confessions of Intervention Hoarders’ or ‘Extreme Pouponing’ or those shows about people that bake gigantic wiener cakes.  And I don’t want to see ‘regular’ people put in intense competitive situations either, like ‘Top Loser Survivor All Stars’, or something completely removed from everyday life.  No, we need to capture ‘regular’ people in ‘regular’ places, doing ‘regular’ things, secretly, of course.

So who would we ninja-film to best encapsulate the possibly entertaining human condition, as narrated by crusty ol’ Jurassic Park guy?  Glad you asked.  Here is my list of top ten reality shows that need to happen.  The names of the people are purely fictional.  Should any of these shows actually come to be in the coming months, expect to hear from my lawyer.  Or at the very least expect to hear me shitting my pants from a distance.

1) Mascots.
Cameras follow around the people playing the different costumed characters at a small town amusement park.  At the heart of it all is Glen Speen, who has played Captain Space Squirrel for over 75 years.  
Tagline: If you can’t stand the heat, take off the space suit.

2) Test Drive.
Cameras film notoriously unsuccessful used car salesman Jeremy Fapperwheel from a distance, leading up to his eventual termination at the end of the season.
Tagline: He’ll take you for a spin.

3) The Circle.
A stationary camera records the events at an actual Wisconsin community sewing circle where Lynn Ogdenflur is being shunned for all of her juicy gossiping.
Tagline: She’s hanging on by a thread.

4) Hip Hop Hooray.
Career guidance counselor Sean Yonder teaches Hip Hop dancing to pregnant teens on the weekend.  This is his story, filmed in black and white from a van.
Tagline: Womb! There it is!

5) Meat Heads.
Helmet cams are placed on those annoying people that are always at the gym but never seem to be working out, except for randomly lifting a few crazy heavy weights here and there and grunting (they are told that the helmets are special workout hats).  They’re insanely built but no one knows why or how.  We’re about to find out.
Tagline: Hanging out with dumbbells.

6) Tax Season.
Hidden cameras are placed all over the IRS during tax season, because you know there are some wacky hijinks going down in there.  Amidst a sea of strangely obese people, Paul Doublestraps takes charge and gets shit done.  Hard.
Tagline: For once, they’re giving something back.

7) Do You Believe in Magic?
Filmed entirely on camera phones at children’s birthday parties, this show documents the legendary careers of a local group of birthday party magicians, led by Alfred Humpy (a.k.a. Lightning Hands), in this uplifting tale about following your dreams.
Tagline: You’ll be glad they didn’t get a clown.

8) Master Baiters.
Like the deadliest catch, except it follows a group of retired seniors that go fishing every week at a quiet lake in like, New Hampshire or something.   What happens on the lake stays on the lake.
Tagline: You’ll be hooked.

9) The Lounge.
Webcams capture the conversations in a teacher’s lounge at an elementary school.  Warning: This show contains vulgar language and makes fun of children, a lot.  Honestly, Principal McGraw, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Tagline: You’re going to want to stay after class…

10) Fresh Prince.
From selling door to door to hosting exotic Tupperware parties, Jean Papineau is passionate about keeping your food fresh, and talking to himself.  He regularly breaks into song and cries when doors are slammed in his face.  Filmed in HD.
Tagline: He lives in his car.

Well, alright so maybe those still sound insane (man, you should see the complete list).  

How about this? How about Hollywood starts fucking writing actual scripts and stories again, and uses actual actors and comedians?

Dare to dream.

That’s it.  There’s a show on about real estate tycoons opening a titty bar in Area 51, gotta go.


  1. Poltergeist was a freaky movie. :P

  2. You mean I WON'T be "...plucked for [my] writing gift and sent on a whirlwind book tour with movie deals and celebrity encounters."???

  3. I do not watch reality TV. Okay the fact that I have no TV is irrelevant. ;~) BUT would seriously consider watching 'The Circle' and 'The Real McWives from Buttfuck County'.

  4. Jackass

    following a bunch of nobody's about as they do pointless crap and try and hurt themselves....

    oh no wait a minute - sorry - apparently it's already been done..

  5. This was so funny & refreshing! You are so right about people being obsessed with famous. I totally agree. This is my kind of post. I love the types of reality shows you created. I would watch them all!

  6. Everybody's a star, didn't you know that?! I'm as sick of it as you are.

    Really good post!


  7. I'd dvr all of your ideas, you be genius. seriously, someonez gonna stealz em. I'll let yah know, we'll scrape their arse.

  8. Jaysus I hate these reality shows. The Bachelor and Bachelorette shows make my ass twitch.

    Love your tag lines!

    I miss actual writing.

  9. Those taglines are beauties!
    I just heard about a reality show that pits elderly athletes against fat kids to see who's got more game.
    My tagline for it: Grandma's Got a Bat!

  10. I want to see "Do You Believe in Magic" it sounds gloriously depressing. If they can make a reality show about goddamn meter maids, why not a hip hop dance instructor for pregnant teens?
    Awesome...but wait, I'm not going to get famous from fuck it.

  11. so funny and so well written! +followed

  12. I like tv. But I like it for what it's worth.

    I don't get too invested. I have my fav shows (Big Bang, Jimmy Fallon, Y&R) but I think I like them for the right reasons. Just for fun.

    The trick wil be when I have kids - Because why pay for a babysitter when the Real Housewives can do it?

  13. @Zombie: Plus it was WRITTEN, and had a SCRIPT.

    @Al: You might, I certainly won't.

    @Oilfield: Thanks! RIght back at ya.

    @Nubian: In case my rant wasn't clear enough, you are not missing much. Except Hoarders. Man, that's entertaining.

    @Glen: If we could actually find a group of people doing that type of stuff WITHOUT KNOWING that they are being filmed, then that would be a whole new special kind of insane.

    @Kelley: Thanks! I would totally watch them all too.

    @Riot: And it loves you.

    @braumaman: And it loves you too.

    @todd: Yeah, if anyone steals these we have to get a posse together and take them down. We could film it, and it would a show of it's own, called REALITY WARS.

    @Annabelle: Ass twitching is a serious side effect of reality shows... how did they ever get past the FDA!?!?!

    @dbs: Yeah I heard of that, it's called 'Old Hags and Lard Bags'.

    @Pickleope: I think 'Fresh Prince' has the most depressing potential. And, like I said to Al, you might, but I certainly won't.

    @Gypsy: Thanks TIMES TWO!

    @Marianna: They should make a show where the Real Housewives actually watch their children. I'm sure it wold be a train wreck.

    @Jessica: And Salty!

  14. I wonder what the ratio of reality stars who become famous to those who have crazy balloon boy parents?

  15. I suppose the reason all the weirdos get on these shows is that they are the ones who are desparate for attention and validation. The normal people are busy keeping society functioning and for relaxation watching these freak shows. This blog is far funnier than mine you bastard. Following.

  16. I couldn't agree with you more, channel surfing is now reality show surfing. Where are the good shows and scripts indeed?
    What happened to writers and scripts?

    Good post, Kev.

  17. I’m not sure if the people on reality shows are chosen specifically because they’re prone to blowing up at the slightest imaginary provocation, or if they’re average citizens who feel entitled to bitch when the camera is on them because it’s what is expected of them.

    Probably a bit of both.

  18. I would watch Master Baiters (now doesn't that sound voyeuristic?), but there's one thing that doesn't ring true. Retired people would go fishing every day, not just once a week.

  19. I am pretty sure I do not want to be famous. In fact, too many people already know who I am.

    The thing is, the way things stand now I can do amazingly foolish things and no one gives a rat's ass. It's like a tree falling in the forest when no one's around.

    I don't watch reality TV, but your list could change that. Those would be impossible NOT to watch - like trying to look away from the scene of an accident!

  20. @Kamatacci: 1 to 1.

    @Tony: They must be sad, sad people.

    @Antares: There are still some out there, but they are few and far between. And then shows like Arrested Development get cancelled.

    @Drake: Very true. Someone could sneeze and the other would take it as a deliberate insult.

    @Debra: Good point... man, that would be a good show.

    @Katy: I love a good trainwreck. Hell, that should be a reality show: TRAINWRECK. Everyone would watch and no one could look away. You're a genius.

  21. Have you thought about writing copy? You are awesome with creating zingy one-liners that people (like me) agree with.

  22. This was all pretty brilliant. Why don't you consider writing a web series? Staring me? And I'll find people to produce it. Then when we get a following we start marketing to the Networks...yeah?

  23. Ha ha, love it! :D

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Now I'm going to read more of yours. I'll be back. :)

  24. Couldn't agree more. The reality of 'reality shows' veers more toward fantasy than any reality.

    I suppose one becomes what one grows up with, and for that reason alone these shows can be numbing.

  25. This whole thing makes me furious. Have you seen that Lauren Conrad from the Hills is now a 'best selling author'? I'm not sure which makes me angrier, the fact that she somehow managed to assemble some words (which are just awful and cliched), or that the American population shovels it up and wants more.

  26. @Jas: It's nice to hear that because I always thought one-liners was one of my weaker points when doing comedy.

    @Knight: I'll get right on that, which one were you thinking? I think Fresh Prince.

    @LL: Thanks chief!

    @Anil: That's a frightening thing that you just said there...

    @Beer: Same goes for bad pop music, bad movies... etc. Society is pretty lame.

    @Jessica: Truth is my middle name. Maybe.

  27. GameDoc says great post man, speak loud, speak truth, shout loud, shout truth!

  28. Thanks for thinking of me Kev.