Friday, July 15, 2011

Judgement Day (a.k.a. Panel of Judges 2).

Often times they say that you should not judge a book by its cover.  I think more realistically it should be that you should not always judge a book by its cover, but that sometimes it is ok, especially when it has a buff pirate on it and you can see his nipples.  You know what that book is going to be about.  Who holds a sword like that?  Come on.  Anyways, this can also sometimes be true of people (see: Panel of Judges).  But the ridiculous clichés like “You can tell a lot about a person by their shoes” as I previously discussed, or something equally absurd like “You can tell a lot about a person by the company that they keep”, you will find, are not accurate barometers of personality and character.  Like I discussed when I dissected the shoe argument, there are probably cases where the latter argument could still ring true.  

When someone hangs around a bunch of snobs, it can sometimes be safe to say they probably are themselves rather snobby.  However, just because someone lives within a society of mountain gorillas, it does not mean that they, in fact, are a mountain gorilla.  Maybe they don’t even like mountain gorillas, maybe they spend most of their time talking about the king and queen gorillas behind their backs to the plantains.  You don’t know.

Anyways, if 'shoes' and/or 'company kept' are off the table, but you still would like to effectively try and judge a book by its cover, then here are a few accurate ways to gauge someone’s personality, just by observing some random thing about them.

You can tell a lot about a person by…
the number of cats that they have.

I’m still working on the algorithm a little, as well as the graphs and flow chats and whatnot, but essentially depending on the number of cats, this is what you are saying to the world:

1 Cat: “I love my cat, cats are awesome.”
2 Cats: “I love ALL cats, I’m a cat person.”
3 Cats: “I love my cats, probably a little more than I like people.”
4 Cats: “Sparky and Mittens are my babies and they will never leave me, not like my lousy kids.”
5 Cats: “Last week I knit myself seventeen Christmas sweaters, all with cats on them. My cats.”
6 Cats: “The local kids say my house is haunted.  It is.”
7 Cats: “I speak cat… MEOoooooW Rehhhrr!”
8 Cats: “The urine that you smell is mostly feline, but also mine, mostly.”
9+ Cats: “SHMARGLE GLUB! Darrrrrr, Gabaraga WEE dee fwaaa? Hahahaaaaaaaa…

It also says a lot about a person if they claim that they are striving to become the crazy cat lady / man / hermit / wildebeest.  Mostly it says 'stay away' or 'keep away from children'.

Increase in cats, increase in crazy, which, if you have a cat, makes total sense.  

You can tell a lot about a person by…
the size of their pit stains.

You can tell if they are nervous, have recently exerted themselves, or whether or not they are wearing antiperspirant.  Depending on how far down and widespread the stain is, you can tell how long they have been feeling anxious, warm or physically strained.

There’s a scene in ‘Superman 3’ (or maybe it was number four, there’s no way for me to remember, really) where Superman is lifting an enormous ice block or person or something and has atrociously large pit stains all down the sides of his best blue tights.  I’m not sure that Superman actually would sweat, and especially not when he is somewhere in Antarctica like he was in this particular scene.  What this tells us is that this ‘actor’ is not actually Superman.  Now the fourth wall is broken and I’m back to reality.  Thanks a lot, Hollywood.  Next you’ll tell me that the mall Santa Claus is not the real Santa.  Well, then how did he know I wanted a pony? How did he know?

More importantly than all of that, if someone is wearing a light gray shirt on a hot humid day, so that it clearly accentuates and highlights the tremendous pit stains, you can tell that they do not have much in the way of foresight.

But seriously, how was I supposed to know the office would be this warm today?

You can tell a lot about a person by…
whether or not they plug their nose when they jump into a pool.

People that do this may as well be wearing one of those bathing cap bonnets like in those old synchronized swimming videos (with the rubbery flowers and the metal snap button strap across the chin).  No matter a person’s age, when you see them doing this, they immediately look about four years old.  For the record, at four, I already did not plug my nose.  I already knew that I did not want to look like a weenie (see: Weenie Roast). Get your shit together!  One thing you can tell about these people is that they clearly are not comfortable in the water, and they’ll be the first to go when the whole world floods.  

Hopefully when it does happen, it will be less like ‘Waterworld’, and more like ‘The Little Mermaid’, what with the musical numbers and magically delicious crabs.  Seriously, Sebastien would make a sweet crab roll.  Hot buttered soul.

Either way, the nose-pluggers are fish food.

Well, that, along with my previously stated guidelines (see: Panel of Judges), ought to get you started along a path of judging books by their covers, only when it is completely acceptable to do so.  Or not.  You be the judge.

That’s it.  I’m going home sick, these are gargantuan pit stains.


  1. I loved my grey shirt but it did not love me back. The break-up was inevitable.

  2. And what does it say if you have huge pit stains, 12 cats and wear nose plugs even when not near the water? I'm just askin' for no reason, y'unnerstand.

  3. You just described 3 groups of people who never get laid.

  4. I assure you that the pit stains portrayed by the cartoon caricature of myself are purely satirical, and that I almost never have them in real life. If you don't believe me, ask my 25 cats. They can vouch for me.

  5. I am all about judging books by their covers. I am prepared to admit when I am wrong, but typically my assumptions are spot on.

    Last time I was a little misguided was the coffee siiiiiippp...sllllllurrrrrrrp guy on the train. I thought he was a momma's basement dwelling uber nerd. Turned out he was mildly retarded. Ooops, my bad.

  6. What about if I bury my shit in the garden and hold other peoples noses when I jump in the pool?

  7. You mean he's NOT Santa Claus!!??
    Aw, crap.

  8. "The local kids say my house is haunted. It is."

    GameDoc has peed his pants.

  9. "It also says a lot about a person if they claim that they are striving to become the crazy cat lady / man / hermit / wildebeest. Mostly it says 'stay away' or 'keep away from children'."

    omigod, FINALLY someone gets it. that is exactly what i am trying to say!

    i gotta go buy another cat.

  10. The cat algorithm is surprisingly accurate and also applies to bumper stickers (more stickers, more crazy).

  11. I hate cats. This was the perfect post. Also, this line made me bust a gut: "The urine that you smell is mostly feline, but also mine, mostly.”

  12. @Vinny: Mine didn't love me back either, although it did love MY back, as it stuck to it and created a whole new type of sweat stain.

    @Debra: That you're crazy, and likely wearing a nose plug to avoid the odor of 12 cats and a crazy person.

    @Oilfield: What if someone forms the pit stains WHILE getting laid? BOOM. Just like that you're mind is blown.

    @Beer: I'm more worried about how often you puke... in caricature.

    @Annabelle: Yes, but you were still able to deduce that he is a sloppy drinker.

    @Al: No, sorry... But the Easter Bunny... that dude's for real. Mad real.

    @Tony: Wise man once said "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you cannot pick your friends' noses."

    @GameDoc: Hopefully from laughter, and not fear.

    @Kitty: You're still on the safe side, don't worry :)

    @Kage: Buy a big cauldron too, that will help.

    @Pickleope: You KNOW I agree with you about the bumper stickers.

    @Cheeseboy: Inspired almost entirely by A&E's Haorders.

  13. This is exactly how Sociology textbooks SHOULD be written.

  14. It's 102 degrees over here and it's all I can do to NOT prance around the house naked like a primitive baboon.

  15. I... plug my nose. Every. Time. But I'm also admittedly not comfortable in water. So basically, I'm praying that the world never floods.

    I'm okay with your post though because I own 0 cats and have magical non-sweating powers which balances out that pesky little other detail.


  16. LOL! very funny, creative, and TRUE! +followed

  17. Well, shit oh dear, I plug my nose in water and love being in water. I am uncoordinated at blowing the effffing water out of my nose so I don't bother and just hold my nose. No cool award for me. This was so enjoyable to read!

  18. @dbs: I'm working on one called "The World According to Fart."

    @Lemons: Yeah that heat wave was insane.

    @Lorraine: No pit stains? You're basically a super-hero.

    @Diego: Thanks man!

    @Basque: I think I can find it in my heart to forgive you :)

  19. ahahhhahaha. ughh.... ahhahahahahahaahahhaaa. You mad me laugh like 3 times in 5 minutes. thanks

  20. This is a great posting I have read. I like your article