Thursday, February 17, 2011

Weenie Roast.

As hard as you can try, eventually you will find yourself in a position where you look like a weenie, or feel like a weenie, or are just acting like a total weenie.  It can creep up on you and come at you unexpectedly, or, at times, you can see it coming from a mile away.  Some people are just total weenies all the time, and to those people, I apologize.  There is little that I can do for you.  For the rest of us occasional weenies, I will try and help you navigate the road of life avoiding the obstacles that can obstruct your overall coolness and make you feel like a weenie.  Some of these obstacles can’t be avoided, and in those cases, I’ll try and help you cope.

According to the dictionary, a weenie either means a frankfurter, a penis, or a nerd.  According to me, however, a weenie is not so much being a nerd, which can have certain positive connotations, so much as just being totally lame.  

I guess that for me, it can still mean frankfurter or penis as well.

When it comes to looking like a weenie, obvious examples would be faux-pas’ like ‘socks and sandals’, the ‘bowlcut’, wearing snowpants or those awful hats with the big ear flaps.  I won’t go off on a hat tangent at any point, as I have already done that once before (see: Accessory Before and After the Fact).  Obvious examples of feeling like a weenie could include losing at dodgeball, having your credit card denied or failing a driving test.  Obvious examples of acting like a total weenie should include mispronouncing easy words, confidently shouting the wrong answer in a game of Trivial Pursuit or singing in your car with the windows down (see: Turn it Up, Man).  

Are you starting to understand?  

In short, sometimes you can avoid being a weenie, but sometimes you just can’t.  The best that we can do is deal with the risk factors that we can control.  I can’t cover everything, but these basic examples should help (one for each kind of weenie moment).

On looking like a weenie...

One of the easiest ways to look like a total weenie is to wear a backpack.  Now, before you get all in a tizzy and tie up your panties into infinity knots, yes, I do recognize the usefulness of backpacks.  And it’s not everyone that needs to avoid them altogether.  But it’s kind of like how some guys put on a suit and look like they’re wearing their dad’s pyjamas, and other guys put on a suit and look quite dapper and shit.  In turn, some people rock the backpack just fine.  They look like a casual businessperson on the go.  But you know the type of backpackin’ weenie I mean.  You know how some people put one on and instantly look five years old and just begging to have their lunch money stolen?

If you absolutely must employ a backpack, then there are some things that you should know.  This can help reduce your wienieness.

Don’t tighten the straps all the way to the max.  It’s like when you see a guitarist with the strap all tight and the guitar is up at his chest.  He doesn’t look like a rock God anymore.  He looks like a member of the wiener patrol.  Another example is someone with their shoelaces tied real tight.

“Look how tight my laces are, these babies will never come off.”

What a weenie.  If the backpack straps are that tight, you may as well just bite the bullet and sport the fanny pack, taking you into ultimate weenie territory.

Don’t fill the backpack to capacity either.  There’s no way that you need to be carrying around enough stuff to fill a whole backpack.  What’s in there, a basketball?  Honestly, now you look like a lil’ kid on their way to the basketball court to shoot some hoops with his pals.  Except you don’t actually have any pals.  All you have is a backpack full of shit and a weenie aura that alienates all of those around you.  You don’t make friends with backpacks.

A full backpack just makes you look small and weird, like when people wear exceedingly large sunglasses.  Seriously, don’t wear gigantic sunglasses unless you are:

a) Elton John
b) A pilot in the movie Top Gun
c) Dead with both eyeballs missing
d) A clown
e) All of the above

Moving right along… The worst thing you can do is have a full backpack with the straps tightened all the way.  Even if you’re hiking, you should try and avoid this, because you’ll just look like a granola weenie.  And isn’t that just the worst kind of weenie?

Also, put both shoulder straps on.  The backpack slung over one shoulder doesn’t look casual after the age of twelve.  It looks ultra lame, and thus, quite weenieful.

I have a backpack that I bring to work, and every day, when I go out to the car, I feel slightly less cool then I did before.  Still, it seems better than paying money for a more adult looking bag.  At least my backpack is black, and truth be told, that’s another thing that can help.  Don’t have a bright ass backpack that looks like it has all sorts of nifty pockets made to hold your pencil case, calculator and retainer / headgear.

On feeling like a weenie...

Bringing the car in for maintenance at a garage is a surefire way to make yourself feel like a weenie.  Most of the time, I don’t even understand what I am asking them to do to my car.  I just read what needs to be done off of my vehicle’s maintenance schedule thingy they gave me when I drove it off the lot.  When I am reading it off to the guy at the garage I just try and mumble it, or cough while saying it, in the hopes that he will correct me, and guess what I am talking about.

It’s like ordering off of an Italian restaurant’s menu, when they obnoxiously put the stupid fucking menu items in Italian.

“Yeah I’ll have the … ummm… panooni… giupallda… pancechia.. bruschegnochi?”
“The ravioli?”
“Yeah, whatever.”

The mechanics tend to worsen the situation, by asking you questions that you don’t really know the answer to.

“Yes, I need my breaks serviced.”
“What’s wrong with them?”
“Umm... nothing I think, just according to my maintenance schedule, they require servicing.”
“You been having problems or… what is it exactly you need done?”
“Would you like to see the maintenance schedule?”
“No, that’s ok.”
“You know, I’m not normally such a weenie.”

This is much like how an overall lack of sports knowledge can get you into similar weenie waters with sports superfans, but I believe I tackled that already (see: Color Commentator).  There are two ways to not feel wienerific in front of the mechanic.  Either educate yourself about the inner workings of your automobile (not happening), or just fake that you know what they are talking about (that’s the one).

“There’s a problem with your Flarnder Rodenspiel.”
“Oh yeah, I totally noticed that last week, just you know, give it the usual.”
“Proceed with the tune-up.”

The mechanic will still know that you’re a weenie, but you’ll walk away with your head held high, a proud weenie.

On acting like a weenie...

 “I bike to work every day on my banana seat bicycle.  Kneel before me, the king of all weenies.”

They take up an entire lane as if they are a car, but then go through red lights.  They have pants tucked into socks, or are wearing one of those elastics to stop their good work khakis from clogging up the gears.  They ride the elevator up to their floor while still wearing their helmet, as well as the previously mentioned pants elastic.  They have super aerodynamic sunglasses.  They are the weeniecycles.

“Of course I’m turning, did you not see my hand signal?”

Riding a bike in the city does not automatically make you a weenie, but it doesn’t help.  If you have a bell, horn, basket or tassels on your bike, please close your computer and go set fire to your bicycle immediately.

With these three examples you have the blueprint for what makes a true weenie.  Try your best to extrapolate from this guide other situations during which you may look, feel or act like a weenie, and avoid them forever.

That’s it.  These snowpants are really making my balls itch and chafing my groin.


  1. Ha! I'm first. eeem...I mean.....

    *Pulls keener hand back down*

  2. I managed to misspell "ummmmm". I want Darth Vader on my backpack, I wear dark sunglasses, cause I like to keep my retinas and you try cycling with loose straps.

    You said "fanny pack". *Giggles* Never mention that to a Brit.

  3. This one made me laugh pretty hard.

    I mean, harder than usual.

    It could be because I’m pretty drunk. But no, I’m going with “It’s funny” as my final answer.


  4. A mechanic once told me that my flanistan hose was dragging under my car. And then he laughed. I felt like a weenie. (That bastard. Did I mention it was my brother?)
    I feel like a weenie when someone startles me and I flap my arms around in shock.
    P.S. I have a murse but maybe because of my size, no one calls me on it. I've been waiting for it though.

  5. awesome post!!!

    i love biking weenies. the weather got warmish this week and i had to run over like three of them....

    and one of them i had to back over twice cuz she kept moving...

    i shoulda strangled her with that fanny pack...

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  6. i wear a backpack to class.

    but i balance out the weenie by not wearing any clothes.

  7. Forget the backpack. What about the man purse? I see a guy sporting one of those, I dub him king of the weenies. Or queen. Depending on how emasculating you want to be.

  8. The idea of weenies that creep up on you and come at you unexpectedly is a very scary notion.

  9. Did I miss the one about fanny packs making you look like a total weenie?

  10. I guess it doesn't help that my backpack has the ninja turtles on it either.

  11. Came back to finish my comment. Had to burn my bike, as instructed.

    Seriously, though, I work in the vicinity of a lot of embassies & was just outside when I & was reminded of another type of weenie: The tourist weenie - sandals & socks plus overpacked backpack with tight straps. I can only guess that they weren't allowed to bring their bikes.

  12. I serious laughed out loud at looking like one of the weiner patrol.

    I remember being on my mission and riding my bike through St. Paul. We tucked our pants,and wore our helmets entirely too long.

    Thanks for the post, I'll try to keep it in mind.

  13. @Antares: Keener rhymes with wiener.

    @Katy: Drunk weenie must be funny...

    @dbs: Don't worry about the Man purse, they're ok in my books. Flapping of the arms though, that's a weenie move.

    @Bruce: Holy shit, you REALLY hate weenies on bikes.

    @Kage: Well, that works. If I did it though, my weenie would show, and there's nothing more weenie than a visible weenie.

    @Beer: True, but I'd put that in the obvious category with snowpants... also, don't tell dbs I said that.

    @Kitty: If you missed it and have to be told, you may be dangerously close to "so weenie they don't even know it" category of weenie.

    @Chris: Actually that helps. Unless it's the 'new' TMNT, then it DEFINITELY hinders.

    @Vinny: Oh God, yeah, tourist weenies... that's a bad scene, dude. Good call.

    @Paul: As long as you didn't draw too much attention to yourselves... at least you were being safe. A safe weenie, but safe nonetheless.

  14. Um, how have I not seen your blog yet? I feel so out of the loop. You're hilarious, can we be friends?

  15. Um, I was going to ask about the shoulder strap thing, thank goodness you covered it.

    I hate Manhattan bike riders, They do whatever they want and then get mad at you when you call them a jack-ass, I don't get it. If they don't like the name calling they should be more considerate.

  16. Thanks for pointing out bike weenies. They are terrible here and cause accidents.

  17. So you're saying I should stop teaching my classes while wearing a backpack, fannypack, and socks & sandals? Damn... that's some cold hard news right there Kev.

  18. This is all well and good, but I can't help but being fixated by the picture of "All Meat Wieners With Barbecue Sauce." Barbecue Sauce!? Who eats hot dogs with barbecue sauce!!??
    Oh...yeah... Weenies.
    People like that would probably use ketchup, as well.

  19. I think until now you've been taking your blog in the wrong direction - you should clearly be writing about fashion...!

    I think the advice is spot on but not sure I can ever use the word weenie. As I'm a Scottish lassie and we say 'wee' for small I think I'm going to confuse people and make them think I'm talking about little knees. Never mind.

    Rapunzel x
    *Tales from the Tower*

  20. @Rapunzel: would it be safe to safe that midgets have "Wee knees?"

  21. Where does opening a laptop in a coffee shop fall on the weenie scale? Or having a party where the music is supplied by your iPod on shuffle and up comes something you had no idea was on there, like a Backstreet Boys song?

  22. @Sara: Glad you finally did, yes, 100% friends.

    @Penny: Every city has weenies on bikes, and they all suck. Shoulder strap thing is crucial!

    @Cerealist: See comment to Penny :)

    @Dr: At least stop ONE of them, for God's sake!

    @Al: Yeah, kind of a distracting picture... I'm trying to hypnotize you.

    @Rapunzel: Yeah, I've been thinking about applying for a job at Vogue, or like, Teen Vogue.

    @Al, again: They prefer little people knees.

    @Pickleope: It's pretty high up there, but still well below the Backstreet Boys incident. Being the music nerd I am, music Weenieness might be one of the worst kinds!

  23. Sara is such a friend whore. I see her all over the place trying to replace me as her best bloggity friend. Anyways, I FOUND KEV FIRST.

    Wait... Did that just make me look like a weenie? :(

    (Emoticons are probably for weenies. It's a never ending cycle. Everything will remind me of weenie.)


  24. Yeah okay, I have a backpack and yeah okay, it's pink and yeah okay, I only use one strap, but c'mon - it's a lot cheaper than birth control.

  25. @Lorraine: Emoticons might as well be called weenicons. And come on, who could ever replace you?

    @tatty: Unless you start getting courted by other weenies, that are into your weenieful look and feel.

  26. Shit! What do you do when you're married to someone who does all of the things mentioned here? What level of coolness do I need to be at to counteract that much weenie? Because I'm pretty fucking cool. Perhaps I should be walking a certain distance away from him? Clearly I need your input. - SF

  27. I am 100% positive that I would be a weenie when getting an oil change except I refuse to go.
    Why? Because they make you drive onto two tire tracks (that are SMALLER than your tires) over a great big pit of death. A quarter inch either way means certain death, or worse, driving into that pit and LIVING.
    I avoid that weenieness all together!

  28. i went to high school with a total weenie. he had oversized glasses, pants than barely grazed the top of his ankle, and a neon coloured fanny pack... full of SURVIVAL GEAR. yeah, you never know when you might need some twine and a compass.

    of course i'm just trying to divert attention form the fact that i bike to work with a backpack.

  29. @Heather: The good news is you're not a weenie. The bad news is nothing can counter act weenieness. Any attempt just makes more weenie.

    @Katie: HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA... AMAZING. Same shit happened to my wife. Mechanics ALWAYS bring out the weenieness.

    @Manders: Survival gear... so like, his braces and headgear? What a fucking weenie. I'll forgive the bike-backpack combo because your comment cracked me up.