Sunday, February 6, 2011

Naming Convention.

I think that we all know that some people have phenomenally lame names.  I don't mean it in that endearing "Boy Named Sue" kind of a way either.  Parents-to-be out there, please, use real fucking names from now on.  I don’t want to name any names in particular and alienate anyone out there, or offend anyone, but I will use an example to illustrate my point.

“Hi y’all, meet my children Kayden, Brayden, Mayden, Jayden, Fayden, Snayden and Dayden.”

Pronounced similarly, this batch of rhyming made-up names makes me wish that y’all had been doing less impregnayden and more masturbayden.  Guess what?  You’re kids will grow up and want to trayden their name for a new one.  Oh yeah, I just done and went for it.  Now, I realize that I could have enhanced the example by spelling them all with different endings, like Shaedyn, or Gaydin, but when I started writing it out, I threw up in my mouth.  If it’s an English name, I should be able to figure out if it’s a boy or a girl.  

Poorly named people out there, it is time to start adopting nicknames.

“Hi my name is Branaeedyn, but you can call me Michael.”
“Well, I’ll be frank, it’s because my name sucks.”
“Listen asshole, are you Frank or Michael?”

Whatever happened to standard names like Jim and Paul and Max?  What the hell were these people thinking?  Just because it rhymes with a real name, doesn’t make it a real name, and certainly doesn’t give you the right to use it to just invent sucky names.  Yeah, I’m talking to you, Bouglas and Bimothy’s parents.  And don’t tell me that the name has some special meaning in some mystical unicorn language.  It may mean ‘beautiful’ but it’s fucking ugly.  

I’m all for having names with meaning, but choose something that doesn’t just sound so aggravating.  And if you want to go unique and special, than at least get crazy with it, Frank Zappa style.

And, in the end, I guess I did name names after all.

“But it’s my name!  I can’t just stop using it!”

Not with that attitude.

The next time that you’re In Whole Foods looking at expensive orgrainic  vegetable crackers, and there’s this kid throwing gluten-free wafers around screaming about wanting his soy treat and honey wheat ball, listen carefully when the mother and/or father yell out to the child.  Listen to the name.  You will hear an example of a name that you should never name your child.  Take note of it, if needs be, and create a list.  Don’t limit yourself to Whole Foods.  Do this anywhere.  Anytime you hear a lame name come out of the mouth of lame parents scolding their lame child, write it down in your lame name journal for safekeeping, so that we can stop the cycle of insanity once and for all.

I’m not normally like this, but some kid named Haedyn Bralaedyn just kicked me in the shins and punched me in the nuts.

That’s it.  Jnaeden is asking for me.


  1. Those names are pretty awful, but what about this one?

    Ceejay A Apple B Boat C Cat D Dog E Elephant F Flower G Goat H House I Igloo J Jellyfish K Kite L Lion M Monkey N Nurse O Octopus P Penguin Q Queen R Robot S Sun T Tree U Umbrella V Violin W Whale X X-Ray Y Yo-Yo Z Zebra Terryn Feuji-Sharemi

    The sad part is that's too ridiculous to even make up.

  2. Ha! This is some valuable advice. Especially since the snow storm just happened across much of the U.S. last week, and that normally means we’ll see a baby boom in 9 months…

    When I was a kid, I used to say I was going to name my first kid “Gabble Ratchet,” after… well, it doesn’t matter. The point is the name sucked, and the gods prevented it from ever happening by turning me into a lesbian incapable of having a long relationship with ANYONE.

    People might not want the kind of tough love you’re giving them here, but… better they hear it from you now than from their daughter, “Typhoid,” in 12 years.

  3. @Diabolical Me: Is that your full name? that totally sucks if it is.

    @Katy: Gabble Ratchet Typhoid would be an incredible name. About the tough love... Agreed. But I'm all about tough love... and pepperoni.

  4. Name your kid what you want, I just ask that for the love of god if it ain't in the off the shelf baby name books, train the kid to grow up spelling it when they introduce themselves. If you're spelling Owen with three Ys or some damn thing you make the presumption I'm going to spell it wrong unless you have the brains to speak up first.

  5. I am not usually at a loss for words, but....thank you... just thank you, for bringing this shit into the light.

    (I kinda want to hug you now)

  6. So true, I'll say it again: so true.
    I wonder if Apple Paltrow-Martin is old enought to be in therapy yet.
    P.S. Your monoblogue is going to start a serious diablogue. Good work man.

  7. If you extend this to its logical conclusion there really should only be two names: perhaps Adam and Eve if you have a Biblical bent. Then you would always know everyone else's name. And the bustling name tag industry would no doubt fall to redundancy.

  8. Well shit. At first I thought, oh good! My son's name didn't make that list so I was feeling pretty smug and judgemental but then at the last minute, BAM! There he is kicking you in the shins and punching you in the nuts.
    I guess my saving grace is that I spelled Hayden without any silent Z's or anything. That must count for something, right?

  9. @Tatty: Spelling is definitely important. Keep it simple!

    @Heather: Hugs are always appreciated. I will no return your mental hug, with a hug of equal strength and warmth.

    @dbs: Assuming Apple is a girl, she will likely be there by the age of ten.

    @Loach: Step one, let's get everyone on board, step 2, invest in the bustling name tag industry.

    @Katie: Well shit, I was afraid that would happen. But honestly Hayden is worlds apart from Haedyn just from the spelling alone. Maybe I could go back and change it to Bralaedyn just for you... DONE.

  10. Love this post! I used to have a long list of baby names but then I realized that I like my money and don't care much for poop- so I tossed it out. I assure you the most uncommon name on my list was "Berman Alexander"- without an apostrophe!

  11. I would love to see a recurring series of post made in your Southern-speak.

  12. I've got an unusual name and it is standard to repeat three times and then spell it out upon initial introduction. But I actually like having an odd one (Last name turned First name situation). So I couldn't name my kids Jennifer or Jason. That said, both are off the beaten path, but nothing people wouldn't understand or have heard.

    My one rule was to spell it the way it's generally accepted. It drives me nuts when people jack with the spelling to give their kids a unique spin.

    Could you imagine being an elementary school teacher trying to read these crazy ass names?

  13. @Amber: Berman is not too bad... although, it makes me think of Bimothy... is it, like, 'Herman' with a 'B'? Thanks for the love.

    @Dr.: I would obviously have to research by watching countless episodes of Paula's Home Cooked Butter. Or whatever her show is called.

    @Dorn: I actually LOVE the last name turned first name. Some of the names my wife and I have in mind are like that. Also, my bro teaches young kids, I should give him a call.

  14. Great one. I am from the mike, michelle, brent era. The ones you can spell and pronouce.

    My kids have normal names, I'm not cruel enough to torture them with suck ass names they have to live with for the rest of their lives.

    PS American Idol had a guy on there that his name was John Wayne.

  15. Right on. I say lets bring back some Nordic names like Brynhildr, Beowoof, Siegfried and some Icelandic ones: Hallfriour, Hjorleif and Thorild. (When in doubt just add friour).

    Whole Foods will be blissfully silent.

  16. @Kitty: Spelling and pronouncing are key, as is not wanting to burn your ears when hearing the name.

    @Antares: Even if it wasn't I'd be stoked to hear someone calling out to Bjorn or Leif.

  17. LOL. I know, right?
    Except, some of those unpronounceable ones would have you running marathons trying to get people's attention.

    Left you a response on your Carlin comment. Have I not figured this out yet or is there a way to let people know when someone responds to their comment?

  18. I think other than emailing them, I don't know if there is a way...

  19. Right with ya there bro! I;m calling my friends Daisy Boo, Petal Blossom, Rainbow & Buddy Bear about this right now!

    JallieDaddy (not my real name: that's Dave, pronounced "Bwagawnacher")

  20. How about George Foreman, and all of his kids being named George?

    Or I love when you see a guy whose name is Mark, for example, and all of his kids are named Max, Michael, Melissa, Molly, etc. Then he keeps having them but he's running out of M names, so you get weird names like Morton and Minerva and Medidiah. I mean, at that point you're committed. You can't have 9 kids with M names and then pop out a 'John.' That looks retarded.

    Oh, and his wife's name is Janice, but that's completely irrelevant to his selfish naming scheme.

  21. I'm with you. I'm glad I got the name Christopher.

  22. @Jallie: If it were just 'Bear' than it would be kind of cool, I think. In any case, thanks for doing your part.

    @Beer: I couldn't even imagine naming my child after me, let alone a whole litter. As for the same letter bullshit, maybe that's how a name like Bimothy came to be. People think shit like that will be cute, so they can say dumb shit like, there go our kids M&M. Fucking LAME.

    @Chris: You should be glad and proud!

  23. Well done. We had the same conflicted disgust regarding ill-named children.
    Is it gauche to add your own link even if the post directly applies? I'm sorry. Delete it if it's weird, please.

  24. Not at all, looking forward to checking it out!

  25. Those Brayden, Dayden, Mayden people....sounds like a family of goddamn rabbits!

    I seriously just wrote a post about this last week too, except I was uncouth and named names. Go check it!

    Oh, and George Foreman's daughter went to my high school (but she's younger than me, so we didn't go at the same time). Her name is Georgetta - no shit! She was a super sweet girl.

  26. I used to work in a jail, and am convinced that what you name your child may influence whether they become a crook or not. If you give your kid a great name, please spell it traditionally, because the spelling could also send them straight to jail.

    Naming your child Winter Storm may seem cute but when it's written on their booking card it all makes perfect sense.

    Thanks again for yet another laugh!

  27. hahaha! hilarious. i agree - let's stick to real people names. not fruits or locations or made up combo names, or idiotically spelled names. of course that makes me sound like a huge hypocrite, seeing as my middle name is a colour.

  28. I once met a La-a, pronounced LaDASHa. Yep. Uh, yep.

    Also, I come from a family of entirely weird names, but it's a horse of a different color because they're all foreign-y type names like "Idelfonzo Confesor." Yep. Uh, yep.

  29. @Opto: Georgetta is a phenomenally ugly name, but at least it's real.

    @Kelley: Excellent research, I will include in my textbook for naming children, when I get around to writing it.

    @Manders: As long as it's not something radical like Mahogany or Ocean Blue, I think you're ok.

    @Lorraine: I don't hate LaDASHa as much as you might have thought I would. But only because it makes me think that I could perhaps incorporate a COMMA in my first born's name.

  30. AGREE. My ex wanted to name my first born son, "Amadeyis" Spelled like that. Rest assured I didn't let him. And I divorced him.

    My cousin was going to name her son, "JAYDEVAN" That's jay-deevan, y'alls. yep. Thank God she went with Brilee. :|

    Next, tell us about creative spellings. I'm thinking of going by my middle name (Berniece) but I don't think it's jazzy enough looking.

    Byernighse? Gbarneesh? Beirghneighce? Maybe I should choose a more hipster spelling like "Burnis". I could put some fancy accents here and there, too.

  31. I've had multiple discussions in my office that if your name contains an unnecessary Y's in it, there's a high chance that you could be a stripper. I, too, don't understand the reasoning between altering spellings for a name. Do you want your child to be bullied? No? Then stick to the baby book names!

  32. @Chelle: HAHAHAHAHHAHA... Fucking awesome.

    @Kickboxing... Los... Angeles??? I guess you could say that those kids would need to take KICKBOXING IN LOS ANGELES.