Tuesday, May 17, 2011

More Bad Language.

I've never really liked the expression ‘buzz word’.  And ‘buzz word’ is kind of a buzz word in itself.   Honestly, fuck any snooty word that works on multiple levels like that.  You may think that I would like that kind of thing, but, surprisingly, I don’t.  You know who likes buzz words, and saying “buzz word”?  The same people that say Happy Tuesday (see: Celebrate Good Times? Come On).  These can sometimes be the same people that say ‘[BLANK] is in the hoOOoouuuuse’.  Sometimes they may say ‘hizzle’ or ‘heezie’.    Sometimes they even go the extra mile and shorten it to ‘hiz’, as in “Douchebag in the hizzz.”

Honestly, if anyone follows any type of ‘shizzle’, ‘hizzle’ or ‘drizzle’ with ‘my nizzle’, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal not to kick them in the nuts and/or muff (unfortunately, even hermaphrodites are sometimes guilty of this) and then run over their foot with a motor scooter (for increased humiliation).  The same goes for ‘da bomb’, ‘dope’, ‘fresh’ or ‘tight’.

Yes, I do realize that often times these expressions are spoken in an attempt at ironic humor, like “check me out, I’m lame, it’s so lame that it’s funny”.  It’s not.  That angle is played.  So played.

These are the same people that do ‘air quotes’.

If you don’t stop them now, they will keep repeating these atrocities the way that modern restaurants repeat the word chipotle.

“The Chipotle Pizza is prepared with a blend of chipotled chiplote cheeses and generously topped with chipotlish chipotles of chipotley chipotle.  The chipotle sauce, is to chipotle for.”

I think you are starting to understand the type of people and expressions that I mean.  Almost everything that people like this will say, should not be said.  Watch an episode of 'Jersey Shore' and you'll get what I am saying.  Scratch that, please don't watch an episode of 'Jersey Shore'.  And anyways, I have discussed these types of expressions and people previously (see: Bad Language).  At that time, however, I really only scratched the surface.

The following is a continuation, an addendum if you will, of a couple more things to absolutely never say anymore, and to discourage everyone else in the universe from ever saying.  These tend to be said by anyone and everyone, not just people that look to Snooki as the voice of their generation.  So read carefully, take note, and prepare to make some changes.

Foodie.

I don’t understand why this has become so popular, and how it has managed to propagate and become so widely used.  The first time that I heard it, I assumed it was some kind of group of people with a weird sex fetish.  You know people that like to bang each other with strap on submarine sandwiches or make love to a pizza bagel or something?  But no, it’s people who just like food, and feel that they like it enough that, somehow, they need to distinguish themselves from the rest of us, who also like food.

Is this where we’re at?  Making up creative names to categorize us for qualities that come naturally to every human / animal / organism?  How shitty is the non-eating section of your life that you’re defining yourself by something that we all do, innately, for survival?

“I love eating, I’m a Foodie.”
“Oh well, I like food too, so, doesn’t that make me a Foodie too?”
“NO!  I WANT TO BE SPECIAL! I NEED TO BE SPECIAL! YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL LIKE ME!”

I got news for you, we all like food.  You’re not special.  Honestly, what’s next?

“I’m an Airy.  I don’t know what I would do without breathing.  I mean, I just can’t live without my air.”
“Yeah… that sort of goes for all of us.”
“No, but I’m special, I know a lot about breathing.  More than you.  I know where the best air in the city is.  By the way, I’m a Watery too.”
“Yeah, so’s my cat.  He peepees and poopoos in a box.”

In the end, it kind of seems like a more friendly way to describe people with a food addiction.  Although, calling a fat person a Foodie sounds sort of mean, doesn't it?  Does this mean we should call a sex addict a Sexy?

“Roger needed to go get some help, he checked himself into a Sexy Facility.”

Sign me up.  Or maybe it is more about the level of knowledge that they have.

“Roger has the biggest porn collection I’ve ever seen!  What a Sexy!”

I like taking dumps.  And I could talk about poop for hours.  Maybe I should be a Dumpy, or a Poopy.  But alas, as fun as making up bullshit titles for ourselves clearly is, we need to put a stop to it now, before this gets out of hand.  Sorry Foodies, it’s time to find a new special talent, and to stop using that word.

While we’re at it, let’s completely stop trying to make random snappy expressions by adding ‘Y’ or ‘IE’ to words.  What are we, five fucking years old?!?!?!

“She’s my Besty!”
“Hey, guess what?  You’re the fucking Worsty.”

The most offensive ‘IE’ word out is when people deliciously call premature babies ‘PREEMIES’.  Is it supposed to make it sound cuter?  Well, it sounds gross, and frankly, I feel like it downplays the whole situation quite a bit.  No offense to all the Preemies out there.  Also, it rhymes with ‘creamy’, and somehow, that’s really fucked up to me.

I think the original hip and cool ‘IE’ word was ‘Hippies’, and seriously, don’t we all just hate hippies?  Not just for the smell, but because they’re awful?  So why follow that blueprint?

In conclusion, fuck you, self proclaimed Foodies.

But before I close the topic of these so-called food experts, for the love of God, everyone stop saying ‘Fast-Casual’.  It’s fast food.  Just because it costs more and looks nicer, doesn’t change what it is.  It is food, given to you fast, that you eat fast.  Afterwards, you feel shame (and a little bit of pre-diarrhea tummy rumbling).  That’s fast food.

It is what it is.

Of all of the ‘non statements’ out there, “it is what it is” is by far the most vague and useless.  It is applicable in virtually any situation, and yet, brings absolutely nothing to the table.  Why not say “it isn’t what it isn’t”? Or “it does what it does”? Or “it schnooblers what it schnooblers”?

The same people that over use “it is what it is” also seem to flock to the expression “that being said”, which is another choice ‘non statement’.  I call these ‘non statements’ because you could replace them in the conversation with complete silence or even with a mild, possibly nervous, fart, and pretty much have the same impact.

“I know it sucks, but, it is what it is.”
VS.
“I know it sucks, but… [squeeeeeeeeeeeeee]…”

No difference to the listener.  Except smell.  If anything, the nervous fart has more impact.

“They sure do use the word ‘chipotle’ a lot.  That being said, the Chipotle Pizza is delicious.”
VS.
“They sure do use the word ‘chipotle’ a lot… [squeeeeeeewawawawawpwent]…  The Chipotle Pizza is delicious.”

It actually feels more from the heart, with that big ol’ mild and nervous fart*.

So, join me in boycotting these expressions.  If we continue to work on ourselves, and avoid such annoying expressions, eventually, we may be able to all unite together as one gigantic happy family.  Someday, one day…  That being said, I don’t see it happening anytime soon.  It is what it is.

That’s it.  I'm late for my Foodie tour of the city!

*: from ‘Highway 10 Revisted: The Musical’

48 comments:

  1. We all like food? Tell that to Lena Zavaroni.

    hmm, you may have to be 40 or over to get that.

    and British.

    and a bit sick.

    Now she could shizzle your nizzle

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  2. Ah - just looked her up on Wikipedia - quick disclaimer about her shizzling your nizzle - I was working on memory and you have to bear in mind she was older than me when she was famous, I'd forgotten how young she was at the time - I'm not that sick

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  3. Ugh, I could go on and on about the stupid things people say. My favorite is when people say, "I could care less". I think it's ironic that in saying this, the speaker is trying to be condescending, but in reality they just subjugate themselves by speaking like an idiot. SO ANNOYING!!

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  4. Made of awesome. You never fail to make me laugh. I also don't really know where the term foodie came from. I agree, what the hell? Well, I guess I'm a bookie, which means that I'm WAY smarter than all of you, because I am in love with books. See, now I can be special too. :D

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  5. "Sheezy," "hizzle," et cetera all are Bay Area slang words that have since been appropriated by rappers all over the country and by white people. I'm sick of hearing it all the time, too, unless it's Keak da Sneak.

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  6. Yo! Yo! Yo! Hook a brotha up with that "Fo Shizzle - Welcome to my Hizzle" doormat, dawg! That shit be off da chain!

    Ahem... Sorry.

    Seriously, though, where's HXR - The Musical playing next? I need to reserve tickets.

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  7. My cat just came out of the closet. No, for really, he did. Couldn't find him all day. He's also a foodie.

    Foodie->Airy->Watery->Worsty. Very clever. Can I use them?

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  8. Is "Foodie" just a misspelling of "Fattie?"
    Word.

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  9. This reminds me of my crazy grammar teacher! She's slap the back of our heads anytime we used one of those useless phrases. Oh well, it is what it is.

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  10. Is "my bad" starting to drive anyone nuts? Thanks once again for your irreverence. I am often victimized for my name of Rozanna. Gawd, Rozanna, Rozanna, Danna. And the people laugh and snort and look at the expression on my face and brilliantly add, "I bet you have heard that before". "yep" sigh.

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  11. Sweet! New post! That preemie section was gross. I still think some uses of air quotation marks are valid like "A girl asked me out on a message board, she said I was (quote sign) TEH SEX (quote sign)".

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  12. "Also, it rhymes with ‘creamy’, and somehow, that’s really fucked up to me."

    I just scared the living shit outta the dog by cracking up so loudly at that. Thank you! (I live for the moments when she looks at me like I've gone batshit bananas.)
    Fantastic post!

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  13. Brilliant. This reminds me of numb-nuts who say Van for Vancouver or San Fran.

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  14. You nailed the whole "besty" thing. I would like to kick the crap out of other women when they start going on about their "besty". Women my age... no 40 year old woman should have, or be, a besty. Asinine, I tell ya!!

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  15. When the company I used to work for was bought and taken over by a Big National Version and I was then laid off, my boss' boss told me "It is what it is"... Thank you for that insight. I now feel much more at peace with being laid off. It really *is* what it is. And by "is" I mean really shitty, so thank you for being so helpful!

    P.S. I stole all of the office supplies from my desk on my way out so that is what it is as well.

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  16. Haha, being a "foodie" is the laziest hobby ever. I can't stand all the terms you mentioned, either. Besty gives me an instant rage stroke.

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  17. Agreed! Anyone shortening words or places they live needs to be expunged (talking to you, people who say "Nor Cal" or "Nola").
    Though adding an "ie/y" to the end of what I am makes it sounds sort of cuter (Awww, he's pervy). Maybe I'll switch to sexy.

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  18. @Glen: What if I am under 40, sick and WISH I was British? Regardless, I don't get it... I'll get to that there Google soon enough.

    @KRocks: Lots of Language?

    @Bi: I should add that one to my list... maybe there will be yet another addendum at one point.

    @Paul:
    "Looks like we got ourselves a reader..."
    - Bill Hicks
    But seriously, yeah, THANKS, and yes, I agree about the whole condescendy thing.

    @Tsarita: Keak da Sneak sounds Keak da Weak... but I will take your word for it... also, I will get on that there Googhle right away.

    @Vinny: I'm still in the casting process. So far, I am playing all te roles... so, it's a work in progress.

    @Antares: No one should use them EVER. Unless they're quoting me. No, kidding. Use 'em all ya want.

    @Al: Maybe that's how it all started. Probably we should stop saying Fattie, just in case.

    @DrC: I WISH I was a crazy strict grammar teacher. Instead I'm in a cubicle.

    @Basque: Yes, it absolutely bothers me. Sorry 'bout your name. I would NEVER say that to you.

    @GameDoc: Yeah, I guess air quotes is only offensive depending on who is using them and how. I ASSUME that you know the kind of usage that I am referring to.

    @GoofyGirl: Thanks! I aim to please... and make people's dogs think they they are batshit crazy.

    @dbs: Numb-Nuts!! that's on my list of AWESOME expressions that I don't hear enough anymore. And you KNOW how I feel about speaking in abbreviations and speaking in acronyms.

    @Steph: HAHAHAHA!!! Awesome. Exactly, what are they five?

    @Alicia: In that particular scenario, the nervous fart might not have helped either... scratch that, it would have been HILARIOUS!

    @Writer: Yeah, Besty might be the most annoying of them all.

    @Pickleope: SEE COMMENT to DBS. Don't make me regret coining the term Sexy! It was meant to illustrate a point! Ah, fuck, whatever, go on. Be a Sexy.

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  19. Another phrase that's really great is, "at the end of the day..."

    Da bomb has a special place in my heart. We'll just have to agree to disagree on that. Plus it makes me sound so hip and cool and with it, Kev, JEEZ.

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  20. I can definitely make an exception for you.

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  21. I almost completely agree with you. But air quotes are awesome.

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  22. lol agree with u ;p...a word is not special anymore if it is overused...but then again people like to use certain words alot..then it's not special anymore!

    I have followed your blog..Could you follow mine too please? Also check out my guest blogging contest to see if you are interested!

    Sky Stock Analysis

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  23. Sara once called me out on using "at the end of the day," and I felt really dumb.

    I once did a post on words and phrases I didn't like and "it is what it is" is on there. Also, "I may or may not." Oh, fucking really? That's for narrowing it down.

    Lor

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  24. @Katamacci: That's two people now that are backing the air quotes... Maybe I need to re-evaluate their use.

    @Stock: Thanks. I've clearly got such great stock market knowledge, and that's why you have saught my expertise... :|

    @Lor: I figured that I waited long enough that you wouldn't figure out that I was ripping you off. Thanks for ratting me out to the rest of my readers, party pooper. Hahaha... At the end of the day, your post was probably funnier than mine :)

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  25. @Lor: I just went and found the post you are talking about. DAMN! A year and a half ago?!?!? You were WAAAAAAAY ahead of me on that one:

    http://roxanneandlorraine.blogspot.com/2009/12/lorraine-says-hold-my-wood-silent-g.html

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  26. HAhaahaha. I would love to see (have seen?) your stand-up.

    "The chipotle sauce is to chipotle for."

    and

    “She’s my Besty!”
    “Hey, guess what? You’re the fucking Worsty.”

    had me crying.

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  27. I'm an 'airie' damnit. Mountain fresh is where it's at.

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  28. Thanks for the blog love! It always makes my day to discover new readers and their blogs.

    Very interesting post. Being the "Original Word Perv" I make up all sorts of crazy phrases which is far more fun than to use all of those overworked and annoying words than have become mainstream. "It is what it is" should be banned from the universe. Major thumbs down on that one!

    The Ranter’s Box

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  29. I totally thought I had invented "It is what it is." I'm a little dumbfounded...

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  30. i knew a girl who called people besties. she also called her gay friends "mo"s, and she would "heart" things. as in "i heart simon. he's a total mo but we're besties". yeah, go ahead and cringe.

    and for the record, despite my propensity to air quote (i can't help it, it's a sickness!!), i have never "izzle"d anything.

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  31. I'm sorry; why don't we know each other in real life again?

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  32. I was totally with you until you gave me the Sexy idea and then I decided to keep that one. Thanks!
    Mmmmm Chipotle.

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  33. I know exactly what you're talking about. And I lol'ed at the Chiptole description. You're absolutely right.

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  34. I hate 'it is what it is' with a passion. Most useless buzzwords ever.

    You know what I hate? "Certified pre-owned" cars. Do we really need a PC word for a car so that we don't have to call it 'used'? And do we really need to "certify" that it's used?

    "Hey Steve, this car has 100k on it. So... yeah, it's probably been used."

    *STAMP OF APPROVAL*

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  35. haha . Fair Enough,. you definitely made your point :)

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  36. short post :D
    followed

    http://incredible-mo.blogspot.com/

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  37. @Kristine: I guess for the time being it is HAVE SEEN, but hopefully not forever... Thanks!

    @nova: If you say so.

    @Empress: No problemo. And I agree, making shit up is always best. Especially if no one else can follow it.

    @Sandra: Well, it is what it is...

    @manders: There seems to be an awful lot of that sickness going around...

    @Jas: CLEARLY it's because the world isn't ready for that yet.

    @Knight: Just make sure to give me credit. Preferably STREET credit, as I have none.

    @Cake: It's taking over the universe, one menu at a time.

    @Beer: "She totally Certified Pre-Owwned me for sex" has a nice ring to it.

    @Speedy: I;'m all about making points, and then beating them to death.

    @i.Mo: Thanks!

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  38. The 'foodie' thing kills me, too. Especially foodies who eat at talk about their favorite 'resto'.

    Bite me! I taste delish!

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  39. And to think, I thought RESTO only existed in Quebec...

    Delish. Yuck.

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  40. What if I've never hear of "fast-casual" and I am now going to shorten it to Fast-Caj ALL OVER THE Place?

    FAST CASJUE... I don't know how to spell the shortened form of casual, so you are lucky this time.

    This time.

    Douchebag words stick in my head sometimes. I hear them once and they insert themselves into my vocabulary. Like "totes". I hear myself say it sometimes and it's like I have tourettes or another horrible personality.

    I once dumped a guy for saying "my peeps".

    The end.

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  41. Well, I really don't know what the problem is... these are all perfectly cromulent words (and phrases)

    :-D

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  42. @Chelle: I totes understand.

    @Kat: Well when you put it like that, I don't know what the problem is either. :)

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  43. So if a person likes food, they're a foodie. If they like sex, are they sexie?

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  44. I snorted my coffee up my nose a little bit when I read this:

    “She’s my Besty!”
    “Hey, guess what? You’re the fucking Worsty.”

    Funny!

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  45. @Kitty: Like I told Knight, use it all you want, but give me credit STREET CREDIT. What I wouldn't do for some street credit.

    @SaraL: Thanks! That's what I am here for! Unless you're snorting it like cocaine in some sort of weird awful habit... if it's that, then I am ABSOLUTELY NOT here for that.

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  46. I'm with Chelle. Words I hate somehow manage to worm their way inside my head and erupt every so often. 'Like' (used superfluously), 'Totes', 'Awesome'...they drive me nuts and yet I end up using them :(

    Also, what the hell is Fast Casual?? I've never heard of the term before; all the fast food places here are full of scruffy people in need of a good wash.

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  47. Where are you? This is not intended to put any pressure on you to write something hilariously amazing like you always do. Well, not much pressure.

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