For example, tattoos are starting to really piss me off. Don’t get a tattoo. There definitely was a time when tattoos had their charm. I think it was back when a tattoo actually meant something. It meant that that person was in the military, or in a street gang, or had been to prison, or was a member of some cult, or was honouring a close friend or relative that burst into flames prematurely. If someone asks you what your tattoo means, or what the tattoo that you want to get means, and the best answer you can come up with is,
“I like dolphins!”, or
“I’m really into like tribal shit and shit.”, or
“Tattoos are so cool! Eveyone’s doin’ it.”, or
“It’s the Japanese symbol for GIGANTIC COCKSUCKER.”,
then it is likely time to look into its removal, or simply to not get it in the first place. If you have enough that you call them your ‘tats’ then you really need to examine their meaning and discriminate a little more.
And what about hats? Seriously man, fuck hats. Don’t wear “stylish” hats in a lame attempt of being different. New hat, same ol’ lame. I agree that at times, hats can be functional, like a helmet, or a tuque in the winter time. But outside of this, hats don’t really do a whole hell of a lot of good. Sometimes hats are good for keeping hair out of your face, while working, playing a sport, exercising, or whatever. Fine. But don’t wear it all damn day, all the time. You know when you wear a baseball cap all day, and at the end of the day, you take it off and move your hair around, and your hair kind of hurts? That should be an indicator that you’re wearing the hat a little too much. Tone it down, mr. Cappy Cap. Bald dudes sometimes try and use hats to cover up, but you should be proud of your shiny manly head! If I was bald, I’d polish that sucker so that people would be blinded by my head in the sunshine. You could spot me from space. Hats off! If you’re using it to protect from the UV rays of the sun, however, this can definitely be accepted, as no one likes a burnt charred head. Toupees are the worst hats of all.
Now, I agree that sometimes hats can help us recognize what someone is or does, as part of a uniform of some kind. Some examples could be policeman, cowboy, military, biker dude, Native American… construction worker… wait a minute, that seems like a familiar group. Did the Village People wear their hats? No, the Village People were their hats.
If the Village People had just shifted some stuff around a little, they could have come very close to achieving global unity through one song. Think about it, we got cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers (biker dude… no?), construction worker and… sailor? Sailor?!? What the hell is that bullshit? They could’ve done without that ‘In the Navy’ crap anyways. Get rid of navy boy and throw in a business man executive type. Then you’d have cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, blue collar and white collar, all singing in unity. We’d have to come up with a nifty hat for the white collar guy, but it totally can be done. Likely, it would be some type of fedora, but we’ll leave it up to the People themselves to decide. And then you’d have it all: racial, social, economical… hold on. Let’s take it up a notch, because we are still missing some major and popular forms of bigotry. Let’s add two brand new members to the Village People: Jew and Muslim, or maybe Scientologist and Roman-Catholic, or how about Atheist and Vampire, or Mormon and ANYTHING ELSE. Now they’re singing all together, regardless of racial, social, economical, or religious disagreements and differences.
What about the gays and the straights, you ask? Well, that’s already being covered. ‘YMCA’ is the gayest gay anthem that the world has ever gayed. Knowing that, now, go to any wedding, social event, company outing, or anywhere that features a hip “DJ” and you will be able to witness any number of conservative, lame, homophobic morons all dancing like idiots, singing along, and doing the ridiculous hand and arm motions to that very song. They even do the pelvis pump and finger point during the verses, in a lame imitation of dance moves that they probably learned from watching the ‘The Full Monty’, the raciest movie that they’ve ever seen. That’s right folks, you read it here, ‘YMCA’ could be a harbinger of peace. ‘We Are the Champions’ is definitely a close second, by succeeding to get homophobic jock primates the world over to sing operatically at sporting events, but it hardly covers all of the world’s problematic bases the way ‘YMCA’ does. However, if Freddie Mercury was still alive today, I believe he would have ended war forever by now, with his super human, out of this world brand of Rock, and his little baton microphone stand thing.
Speaking of aliens, honestly, if at one point we start exploring new planets, this is how we should present ourselves. Just land on an inhabited planet, let the big spaceship doors open up (like a big closet), and then let out the Village People (or more likely a seasoned Village People cover band), with all the above suggested modifications, singing and dancing the ‘YMCA’. By the time the second chorus rolls around, man those aliens will be so pumped up for it. Probably they’ll false start a little like a drunken grandma at a bar-mitzvah, but it’s ok, it’s their first try, after all.
“‘Y’! ‘M’! … ‘c’… oh oops… no not yet? Oh geez, I thought it was that time again… oh my, what a party! Woo!”
Contrary to what you might be thinking though, the Village People’s rare and fantastically acceptable form of hat usage does not excuse all musicians from needless hat wearing.
“Justin Timberlake wears hats now? Well, shit, I need to get me a hat and wear a hat too! Ready, set, hattify.”
Think for yourself! Hats are lame, so stop trying so hard! Also, someone tell Jason Mraz, or Hat Guy, to knock it off too (I definitely did not come up with the idea of calling him Hat Guy. I read it in a CD review somewhere, where the reviewer claimed that his new release featured even more Hat Power than ever. Great stuff, I wish I could remember where I read it). I went to an outdoor festival where Hat Guy was playing and it was an absolute ocean of lame hats. It’s bad enough that he’s wearing one, but now the Hat Followers are too. I was worried that all fifty thousand hats were going to join together and make some kind of super hat like the robots in Voltron, or to a lesser degree, the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger robots, and destroy us all with cheesified toe-tappin’ blue eyed soul. Except for all of the cougars of course, who, rather than melt, would grow tall like the fifty foot woman, and dance the night away with the same dance moves they learned at their high school prom, circa 1987, and have recently been perfecting at Jason Mraz, Maroon 5, or sadly, John Mayer concerts. Then the Village People would have to join up like the Power Rangers too to defeat them all. “IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!” I won’t spoil everything for you, so it will remain a partial surprise when it all happens, but the cowboy’s robot is a huge god damn horse.
While we’re on the subject of needless hat usage perpetrated by musicians, at least seventy-five to ninety-five percent of country musicians shouldn’t be wearing those cowboy hats. You’re not cowboys, and you’re not helping to create global unity like the Village People’s fake cowboy. Take off your hats!
I could do without all of these piercings too. Much like the tattoo, at one time piercings could have had their use, to set you apart and make you look scary and shit, like whatever class of Warrior, Pirate, Prostitute, Ninja or Wizard that you happened to be, in whatever radical period of history you were from. But nowadays, you don’t look original or extreme or even scary, just lame. You just look like you fell asleep on a sequin gun. And stop inventing random places to get pierced. Metallic zits all over your face and a whole pile of what look like bad stapling accidents? Screw that! You think it’s rebellious? I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that you pierced your asshole shut, since you’re totally full of shit. Come up with something actually new and shocking, piercings are unacceptable. I don’t even like earrings on women, really. Nothing, that’s what I like, which is unfortunate, since I’m in a generation of people that will probably start taking their five year olds to get their eyebrow pierced.
“Come on Skyler, don’t you want to look like the ‘Green Day’? It will only hurt for a second, and then you’ll get ice cream… flavored broccoli-soya ooze treats. Hold still while I fix your mascara and eye liner. Stop crying, you’re ruining it.”
Honestly, be careful with jewelry in general, not just piercings. People shouldn’t jingle, ever. Never, ever, not ever. If you call anything your ‘bling’, throw that blingy thingy out the window, now. And I’m not too comfortable with big fuckin’ belt buckles either. Belts, I get. You don’t want your pants to fall, and therefore, it is a functional accessory. But big shiny metallic glittery buckles that say “Big Daddy” or look like fire engines, or eagles, or whiskey bottles… really? You’re either trying to draw attention away from your face, or towards your crotch. Either way, I just don’t trust you, or like you very much. No more stupid belt buckles. Also, you all need to take the makeup down a notch or two. This goes for both men and women. You know what social group wears a lot of makeup? Circus clowns. If you want to get yourself lumped in with them, then go for it. Otherwise, let’s see what you really look like under there. And what’s with the fake nails? Who is finding this appealing? No more fake nails.
“Yes, I’d like to get the really long nails that make it impossible for me to do any simple hand oriented tasks, like tying shoelaces, opening a soda can, typing, wearing rubber gloves, etcetera etcetera, please. Also make sure that they break pretty easily. I love being able to whine about breaking a nail. And please make sure that they match the color of my bullshit.”
And what’s all this about wearing glasses when you don’t need them? That’s like riding around in a wheelchair just for the fun of it (said George Costanza once in reference to something else altogether, but it applies nicely here). If the person doesn’t need the glasses, then the “don’t hit a guy with glasses” rule is definitely thrown out the window. Punch away, right in the fake glasses area. Monocles are acceptable though, even if you don’t need one, since it takes tremendous balls to walk around with a monocle. I’d like to see a guy in sweatpants and an old ripped Iron Maiden shirt walking around wearing a monocle and checking his pocket watch. Just seems to me like it would be fun to see. Also, no matter what you may have heard in songs by Corey Hart or George Clinton, sunglasses should be reserved for the outdoors on sunny days only. No exceptions to the rule. Feel free to punch a guy wearing sunglasses at night. He probably won’t see it coming anyways. He’s busy trying to check out girls without them noticing, a low level Peeping Tom, if you will. Peeping Tom seems like far too friendly of a term for a category of sex offender doesn’t it? I’d even prefer the vague, non-specific “pervert” over Peeping Tom. Peeping Tom sounds like a fun activity.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going peeping with my peepers. Careful, I just might peep at you!”
I guess successful Peeping Toms aren’t very superstitious people either. Otherwise they’d be putting down the binoculars every two minutes thinking that “a watched pot never boils.” Although, I suppose if they were superstitious, one that they wouldn’t have too much trouble with is “Touch Wood” (also popular is the term “Knock on Wood”). Some people might feel like they’re not just a Peeping Tom. That’s just too low brow. They’re sophisticated, they’re Voyeurs. Oh yeah, that’s what we need to do, classy up the terms for the perverts and make them sound like performance artists.
“Well, first I locate a proper and sturdy tree to venture within, that assures me a decent view into a window, and with optimal branch coverage, and then, well, I just wait until the time is right. Some use standard bird watching binoculars, but I prefer Opera Glasses. Camouflage by Armani.”
“What technique! What voyeurage! And a classic La Braunzapanelli finish? I give it nine point seven out of ten.”
It’s only a matter of time before GQ will start printing 'How-To' articles for the twenty-first century Voyeur, claiming that people actually want to have their privacy invaded, and be ogled. Thankfully we haven’t started up with other pleasant and friendly ways to describe sex offenders, because the world probably isn’t ready for the ol’ Roofy Randy, the Pee-Wee Herman, the Collecter Chris, the Diddler Dan, the Statutory Steve, the No-Consent Norman, the Bob Barker or even the Get Along Gang Bang. I’ll let you decide what all of those may refer to. Sure enough, the 'How-To' articles in GQ would follow shortly. Is there a female version of the Peeping Tom? Like Peeping Tina or something? Those articles would go in Cosmopolitan. In short, don’t wear sunglasses unless it’s necessary, i.e. sunny, you loser.
Don’t get carried away with hair either. If you just got your hair ‘done’, then you’ve already gone too far. You should get your hair cut, not done. It shouldn’t be “Check out my hairdo”. It should be “I just got a haircut”. Keep it simple. I’m not saying you have to go to those horrible barber shops, with the seventy-five year old barbers and the twenty-five year old issues of Penthouse. Those places only do about three haircuts, anyways: The mama’s boy side part, the bowl cut, and the skinhead. And that's for both men or women. I’m just saying to not get too caught up with having a unique style and flare. If you go in a salon, make it clear from the beginning.
“What can we do for you today?”
“Pretty much take exactly what I have now, but just shrink it down a bit.”
“So, the same hairdo?”
“No, same haircut. Neat, nice, slightly shorter than it is now.”
Beards and most forms of facial hair are fine. Just remember that, sideburns shouldn’t be too pointy, too thin or too groomed, handlebar moustaches should only be for people who can comfortably refer to themselves as ‘wranglers’, and the regular moustache is reserved for those who are old enough that they had the moustache before moustaches were associated with scummy sketchy creepy greasy people.
And to the Carrot People from the tanning salons (you know who they are, you've seen them), you need to get your shit under control as well. You know who else likes the tanning salon? Skin Cancer. Spray-On Carrot People are equally lame, but at least smart enough not to make friends with the Skin Cancer. You know who Carrot People turn into when they are older? Leather People. I don’t mean people that wear a lot of leather. I mean people whose faces look like old dried-up used saddlebags. Over tanning equals a bad idea.
In conclusion, you need to have non-superficial ways to try and show people that you’re special, because these superficial ways just aren’t special anymore. Be yourself and speak your mind. That’s what I want more of. Trust me, if you just would get out from behind the facade, I guarantee that you’re special just the way you are. Your mom was right. And so was Billy Joel for loving you that way.
That’s it. Hats off to individuality!
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