Monday, February 1, 2010

Quelle Surprise!

Don’t trust anyone who tells you that “sometimes they surprise themselves”. In order for this to be true, they would have to do something that they really didn’t see coming in the first place, which is mostly impossible. You shouldn’t trust them because, outside of drunken blackout nights followed by waking up in strange beds next to strange creatures and/or with strange tattoos (which isn’t very trustworthy behavior either – but surprises brought on by mind altering substances simply don’t count anyways), there are very few ways for you to honestly take you by surprise. Oh, sure, people will say it, but I reckon they don’t truly mean it.

Some lawerishbusinessmancountant, doing businessy things like when he closed that MacRaffafferty deal / case / account / whatever he does, says “You know I really surprised myself.”

Artist type someone, upon completing a life size sculpture of a Yak’s penis out of mashed potatoes, quips “I didn’t think I had it in me, but sometimes I surprise myself.”

Someone, with regards to interpretive dancing on a busy street corner wearing only a top hat and some socks, suggests “You should give it a try. You just might surprise yourself, and love it.”


I doubt they were actually referring to any of the following three time honored methods of self surprise.

1) The Runaway Arm

This method requires you to swing your arm for whatever reason and accidentally hit yourself in the testicles (or even just graze them, as Eddie Murphy once pointed out). I realize that this is gender specific, but I don’t believe many women are accidentally upper cutting themselves in the boob, perhaps after an arm circle, or while playing air guitar. Maybe I’m wrong, ladies, and feel free to correct me if I am wrong, please.

“Nice to meet you Bill” he said as he extended his hand for a firm shake. But then, mysteriously, after handshake release, his arm swung downwards, his arm caught one or more testicle(s), his knees buckled, he was surprised and he stated "I really surprised myself."

His testicles agreed.

The Back to the Future

This method requires you to travel back in time and throw a surprise party, for you. You’ll never see it coming. And you know just how to fool you too.

YOU: “AAAhhh!!! Oh you guys! You got me!”
ALL: “Actually, You got you.”
YOU: “GubbuwuruuuuuhnH!!??!?”
OTHER YOU: "Hey All, I really surprised myself."

3) The Where there’s Smoke there Usually is Fire

The third and final method is probably the most common of the three, time travelling being a close second. This is when you are convinced that you need to go ahead and make a fart, but then instead, you go ahead and make a shit in your pants. And maybe you tried to catch it, but you’re not quite sure if you caught it in time, and now you’re pretty sure you didn’t? As it is happening you make that surprised face, as you clench your cheeks full speed and casually try to look natural on your way to the nearest washroom, moving your legs the least amount possible.

“Time for the fireworks!” he thought to himself preparing for relief, until suddenly, “Uh Oooh.”
“What’s the matter?” asked the Maitre D, “Why the surprised face?”
“Oh ha, what? Me? Nothing, just, you know, sometimes I really surprise myself… Pardon me for asking, but, hypothetically, a washroom with a private shower that also has good plumbing with a toilet capable of swallowing down a grown man’s pair of underwear, without clogging, would be where exactly?”

The ultimate surprise is to combine any two or even all three of these. For example, how about unknowingly backhanding your own testes after accidentally making a mess in your pants? Or how about travelling back in time to right hook your past self in the breasty area at the surprise party that you threw for her/you? And let’s not forget traveling back in time and throwing yourself a surprise party, causing your past self to crap violently in his pants, and as present you rejoices, past you punches present you in the balls, and maybe his own too, by mistake, after which present you poops yourself… or is it himself? Themselves? ... and, scene.

So there you have it folks. You may think that there are other ways, but there aren’t. But what about when you pee, and then after you finish a couple more drops come out? No, not surprising. Annoying? Yes. But you should know it’s because you just weren’t thorough enough, so stop rushing through your pee. Not surprising, part of you saw it coming, or felt it coming. These are the only three ways. If someone says that they surprised themselves, then they are either clumsy enough to punch their own ball(s) (or boob(s), still waiting for the survey to come back on that one), they have met their future selves and potentially have seen into the future, they have just pooped their pants and currently have poopy-pants, or they are flat out lying. They are not to be trusted, and you’ve now officially been warned.

That’s it. Wow, that was a short one… I really surprised myself.

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