An Exceptional Perception of Contraception.

She looked at him with a twinkle in her eyes, hinting that she wanted to take this party to the bedroom. He raced behind her into the dimly lit room. Scented candles filled the air with a pot-pourri stench that just screamed “Erotic!” As they playfully tore off each others’ clothing and foreplay stumbled forward, she gently whispered in his ear.

“Do you have any… protection?”
“No, fuck no. I was hoping and assuming you did…”

Well, that sucks doesn’t it? There are about three mainstream methods of contraception that we are all mostly aware of, the classic trio of the pill, condoms and the ol’ pull out (adding ol' makes it seem more endearing, and less sketchy). In case somehow you weren’t aware, the pill is taken by the woman. She takes a little chewable vitamin candy everyday and then, poof, as if by magic, no babies. That’s totally how it works. It’s largely the most effective defense against unwanted baby production, but unfortunately won’t do a whole hell of a lot against STDs. Sorry, I almost forgot, it’s STIs now. What’s the deal with that? I guess I can understand the idea of changing it from disease to infection, for it to be more accurate. But infection just sounds less scary than disease, doesn’t it?

“You got any diseases?”
“Diseases? No. I might have an infection or two…”
“Oh well, that doesn't sound so bad. Drop your pants and close the door.”

We should be changing it to something really freaky and off-putting, instead of something more user friendly and accurate. Damn science. It should be something like SRGPs, for example.

“You got any diseases?”
“Diseases? No. But I do have some SEXUALLY RUINED GENITAL PROBLEMs.”
“Oh well, look at the time, I’ve already called a cab. Please leave, and put a bag over that thing.”

Your only real defense against SRGPs is the condom. Condoms also help to prevent surprise babies, maybe not as much as the magic of the pill (with all of its super nutrients), but still a whole lot better than nothing. So really, it’s good to equip yourself with some, for when the mood strikes and you happen to be with someone else looking to help you take advantage of that mood.

First things first, you have to go out and buy them. Shopping for condoms can be a lot of fun, if you allow it to be. But, you absolutely must go to a grocery store for condoms (one of those big mega marts with the pharmacy near the produce section). You can make much better combinations there to completely confuse and scare the cashiers. Walk up to the cash, throw down a box of twelve condoms, and then follow it up with a package of twelve frozen jumbo spicy Italian sausages. Toss in some doggie treats. Revel in the horror of the cashier. If you really want to take it up a notch, throw in a package of those shiny pointy party hats. Casually mention that you’re having a party. Seriously, don’t get caught up with all that embarrassment shit. Have fun with it. Let’s be honest, do you care what Ricky, or Cheyenne, or Wendy, or Scooter, or whatever their name is working the cash, thinks? No. And anyways, do you know what they’re probably thinking? “I wish I was having a fucking party too.” And you can take that F-Bomb as literally as you want to take it. I’ll leave it up to you, the reader, to decide.

Browsing at the varieties of condoms can be fun and exciting, but don’t get too lost or mixed up in the dizzying array of condom creations. Some variations make sense, like size. I get it, some dudes have cocktail wieners, and some are packing third legs. If you are outside of the average range, then you may feel free to get the necessary equipment to accommodate your plus or minus. Getting one that is either thicker or thinner is also perfectly acceptable and normal. Maybe you just don’t want to finish so quickly, or maybe you just want to be able to finish in the first place. Do what you got to do, get the one you need to get, get the job done, efficiently and safely, like a robot. All of these variations seem reasonable, whereas others do not. Like colour. Why would you need to be buying different colours? Are you inviting a bunch of guys to bed with you and your partner, and you intend on color coding all of your individual units? You could hand your partner a chart, or a legend, on the way into the orgy.

“Oh greenpenis, that’s so good, oh my God yes, go greenpenis go! euh… wait, let me check who you are, greenpenis … let’s see… Ah, greenpenis … you’re on page… page five… ok… hmmm… greenpenis is… Roddy! Oh Roddy, yes, you’re the best! According to this you’re a Capricorn? Interesting… OH MY! Yes! Yes! The Best! So far! Oh and purplepenis you’re up next, tag in.”

I haven’t really known any orgy goers, so I’m just going to assume that that’s how it goes down, and that that must be the only practical use for buying differently coloured condoms. That and making it look all fruity and colourful and scrumptious like a tall glass of juice. Well of course, except for glow-in-the-dark, which could have several other uses like helping your partner spot the male genitalia, turning out all of the lights and pretending that a little flying UFO is hovering around the room, or even getting it on in a blizzard and guiding the way like Rudolph (the red nosed reindeer, that is).

“On Prancer, on Venus, on Shoehorn, on Boner… won’t you guide my lay tonight, HeeYAH!”

Although, perhaps it’s more like when you see someone reading or studying in a book and they highlight the important passages with a fluorescent highlighter.

“Baby, you don’t need to worry about everything, here, I’ll just highlight the most important part” he gently says, as he wraps it up, with a bright neon glowing yellow rubber.

Taste is another variation to steer clear from, because, unless you plan on brewing a pot of deliciously poisonous tea with it, what’s the friggin’ point? Has your partner’s vagina stated a clear preference for Piña Colada or Coco-Banana over Classic Strawberry? Is it possible for the Vajoojee to be so finicky? Maybe if the tasty rubbers smelled like what they claim to taste like, you’d have some kind of reason to buy them, having a crotch area that smells like cherry pie, or whatever. But the last time I smell-checked, cherry pies don’t smell like a doctor’s rubber gloves greased up with old nasty semi-used-up cherry chapstick.

There are also a whole slew of physical varieties to never ever buy. For example there are studded condoms, which will allow your rod to have the feel and texture of raw chicken skin. Maybe your partner is into that. Maybe they were lonely one night, went to the fridge for something to try out, and were all out of phallic shaped vegetables, and they went straight for a chicken, or turkey, drumstick. If this is the case, then, by all means, get the studded condoms, but otherwise, don’t. Ever. Another example is rippled condoms, or ‘ribbed for her pleasure’, or whatever. I’m not sure how this variation was even conceived, but if you think that your partner has ever fantasized about being fingered by the Michelin Man, then by all means, ripple and rib it up like there ain’t no tomorrow. If not, then best to keep it smooth, fella’.

When it comes right down to it, anything that is going to alter the shape texture or even behaviour of your mr. happy is probably best avoided, unless you have a written and signed request for such abnormalities from your partner to be.

“Dearest Peter Schlongbarer,

I dreamed last night that you were a vibrating cyborg and that your package was shaped like a Siberian Tiger mixed with a Rhinoceros-Elephant-Turtle. Go find the right prophylactic to replicate this. Also, make a big frilly bow out of the reservoir tip, you know, so it will look all festive and shit. Remember, no glove, no love.

Sincerely,
Petunia Frumpdardell”

Otherwise, you really should go with the normal standard fare. And, name brands only, please. This is one product that you probably shouldn’t go for the knockoffs. It certainly wouldn’t surprise me to find out that Uncle Crotchety’s Oldtime Blastoff Wraps might not offer the same reliability as the more well known brands.

If neither the pill nor condoms are in your arsenal of precaution at launch time, you can always try the ol’ pull out method. Why, it’s as old as pregnancy itself (that seems like a strange coincidence doesn’t it?). Although it won’t help the battle against SRGPs, it could possibly mildly assist in the battle against accidental babies, not nearly as effectively as the previously mentioned methods of contraception, and not nearly as much as one would hope or expect. Contrary to what anyone may have told you one drunken night, or what you may have read on the interwikinetepedia, the ol’ pull out will not always prevent pregnancy. Doctors agree, mostly, I guess, that it's not very safe, probably unless they themselves are out of other options and assure their partner to be that: “It's safe, don't worry, I should know I’m a doctor."

But, if you truly think that pulling out is one hundred percent effective, then why not take it a step further and try leaving it in? Maybe you think that’s too dangerous, and could lead to all sorts of babies and double babies. But think about it, there are plenty of other different and exciting places that you can leave it in, while still remaining edgy and cool, and without having to worry about pregnancy, like a blender, or the butt. Why not leave it in the toaster, the freezer, or hell, leave it in a doorway as you slam that sucker closed? Try these only if you’re into unsafe really super sexy fun, of course.

The truth is, people, if you’re drunkenly confused, don’t feel comfortable together in the first place, fear that one of you might be harbouring some SRGPs, or are simply not all that confident in the ol’ pull out method to begin with and are out of other viable safety options, then maybe you should try leaving it in… your pants! For once!

That’s it. That’s a wrap. Safety first kids!