Thursday, July 28, 2011

Survival Horror.

Because of my own personal obsession with the Zombie genre (see: Zombie Hall), and the fact that I have recently found a tick on me TWICE, and had a brush with poison ivy (like they say "Leaves of three, Kevin you SUCK"), I have come to the conclusion that in an apocalyptic survival scenario, I’m as good as dead.  You may be thinking the same thing yourself.  I’m no boy/girl scout, and probably, neither are you.  Well, I’m here to help.  Whether it’s Zombies, World War a Million, The Rapture, Alien Invasion or The Jersey Shore that come to get us, the following preparatory steps will help you out when civilization reaches its breaking point.  I won’t get into the obvious ones like 'FIGHTING', 'HUNTING', 'BEING IN SHAPE', 'AGRICULTURE', 'MAKING SHELTER', 'MAKING FIRE', or 'WHAT BERRIES CAN'T I EAT' because those are clearly the least important.

01) Eat Garbage.
It’s good for the immune system, and eventually, it’s all that will be left, so better get used to it.  To be fair, the average American already eats garbage, so this is no stretch.  Anyways, practice with actual garbage, not just Happy Meals.

02) Jogging Pants.
When the end of the world rolls around, you’ll want the comfort of elastic waistbands and cottony delightfulness, so better to start creating a stockpile.  Plus you don’t need underwear with jogging pants.  Matching hooded sweatshirts are a nice touch as well.  If you have enough for some friends you could be a gang, the Comfort Gang.  Whether or not you go with the elastic at the bottom of the legs is entirely up to you.

03) Poop Outside.
I don’t see there being toilets, so start practicing.  Although be careful when choosing a wiping leaf ( as they say "Leaves of three...", “Please tell me that’s not how you recently had a brush with poison Ivy, Kevin.”,  “No, it’s not.”).

04) MacGyver.
Watch episode after episode, because I’m sure most of his inventions are fundamentally sound and would work in real life.  If you can make a solar powered laser beam from a pistachio, a soiled prophylactic and your own eyeball, trust me, you’ll do fine in THUNDERDOME WORLD.

05) Learn Guitar.
You could totally be the next Bob Dylanesque folk hero in the Post-Apocalyptic uprising (assuming that you are uprising against some type of force, like Pod People, or Snooki).  Hmm… maybe learn the Ukelele or Harmonica though as they're more portable.  Or invent your own instrument with the skills you’ve learned watching MacGyver.

06) Hide and Seek.
Although, it’s mostly the hiding part that you will need after the end of the world, unless you’ve taken to cannibalism, at which point, maybe you’re a seeker.  Oh, also play with other adults, because kids are AWFUL at hide and seek.

07) Home Brew.
You know, because the MOONSHINE guy is always loved in the Post-Apocalyptic community.

08) Monologue.
Start being comfortable talking to yourself, because you might be the only one around for long stretches of time.  And be ok with it.  Don’t create yourself a lover named Wilson from a ball used in the sport Volleyball.  A volleyball, if you will. 

09) Nick Name.
Figure out what you want to be called after the apocalypse, because people named Kevin don’t last long.  People named SOLITAIRE or DESTRO or TRIXIE or DYNAMITE or NITRO or MALONE can survive a long time.  Do not use names like TARGET or GONER.

10) Catchphrase.
Have a catchphrase, like “thrill me”, or “I’d buy that for a dollar”, because if someone is shooting a documentary about the aftermath, you’ll totally get more screen time.  It might be good if you have a theme song too.  It’s even better if you wrote it (see: Step 5 - Learn Guitar).

11) Hoarding.
Have enough to be ready, but not enough to end up on 'A&E' with that psychiatrist with the huge forehead (Dr. Fivehead, as she is called in our household).  Or just rob an Extreme Couponer.  Have you seen those stockpiles?  That’s a lot of green beans.

12) Be Nice.
You know, to people, in general, because karma is a bitch.  Especially in a flesh eating scenario.

I know a lot of these steps seem drastic, but you really never know when the big change is a comin’, so you’re better off having these things ready.  What’s that saying? “The best preparation is awesome preparation”.  No wait, it’s “the best prepared people are prepared for the worst”.  Is that a saying?  If it is, it’s kind of a bummer.  Fuck that.

I’m probably missing some vital preparatory steps, but this is a good start.

That’s it.  MacGyver Season three… GO!


  1. I actually have a good friend who is a home brew expert. Just in case.

  2. Yeah, I can't imagine doing any of this stuff. I'd be screwed. BTW Stephen King really did get poison ivy that way.

  3. Home Brew! Yes!

    That is a skill I'd love to master, Zombie take over or not.

    Love this list. I'm all over it.

  4. ok, i've got hoarding and talking to myself already mastered. i think i will also take on the role of brewmaster. and my nickname is definitely going to be "The" something. maybe something intimidating like "the fist". nah... something with more wisdom and mystique. "the chemist" perhaps, to go with my moonshine empire. yes, i like.

  5. I'll start a postal service like Kevin Costner. Either that or die fairly quickly.

  6. Thankfully the GameDoc already has a slew of solid nicknames. Seriously though, the brewmaster one is a genuinely solid idea.

  7. 13) Shopping Cart
    It enables more efficient hoarding and can be used as a weapon, getaway transportation or even a bbq. Plus, apocalypse chicks dig them.

  8. I wish I had a dick so I could pee with ease outdoors; without having my butt graze the grass.


  9. coming from a fellow zombie enthusiast, I know what ya mean. lol.

  10. hey buddy, your interview is up! :)

  11. @Oilfield: I've always wanted to, but never had the space.

    @Kitty: Sweet! I'm currently readin 'On Writing'!

    @Annabelle: Brewmaster seems to be a popular one.

    @manders: THE CHEMIST is a sweet name. Nobody would fuck with the chemist.

    @Tony: The Postman is a good name too. Try and survive better than Costner's career though.

    @GameDoc: We've been working on our names forever!

    @dbs: Good call... looks a lot cooler than a weenie back pack or fanny pack too.

    @Lemons: Spelling your name in the snow is a priviledge.

    @Zombie: Hell yes! And Thanks!!!!

  12. sweat pants -- so i should treat the apocalypse like i would thanksgiving? okay

  13. I think video games give me a false sense of security.
    Like I'm ever going to find health packs that restore any injury.

  14. I'm loading up on diapers so that if necessary I can shit while running from the zombies, and also for the time being, they sure are convenient.

  15. i have my superior weed growing skills that will keep me alive after the apocolypse :D

  16. Ha! This is the funniest post I have read all week. I am totally ready to poop in my neighbor's yard if I have to, and I may have already practiced once or twice.

    Got my jogging pants ready too...

  17. Bryan and I wrote a zombie novel once. Almost sold it too. Unfortunately, fiction is dying, and not in that "coming back to life anytime soon like the undead" way.

  18. I figure I just a goner in the post apocalyptic world. I can talk to myself all day but not sure about the other stuff. LOL

  19. "Leaves of three, Kevin you SUCK" I may have peed a little after reading that. Just a little. Also, isn't watching Mac Gyver the answer to EVERY problem in life? I submit yes.

  20. @j.: Yeah, except expect less food.

    @Antares: I hope I find some extra lives.

    @Elliot: I think George Carlin once talked about how you can't shit while running... I don't think that the same applies to running from a zombie.

    @weed: Yeah, so long as you don't expect there to be proper muchies.

    @Cheeseboy: Thanks man, remember, practice makes perfect.

    @Beer: I can only say that I hope you're wrong.

    @Jackie: Well, that's something.

    @HARRY: Thanks... wait did you somehow know I was on vacation?

    @Dr. C: I would mostly agree. Unless the problem is boredom, at which point, it probably won't help.

  21. EXCELLENT tips. I will take them to heart. I thought I might also pratice cutting off limbs because at some point it will be required. mine or somone else's.

  22. I would suggest practicing on other people first... you only really get one try on yourself.

  23. Learn to never scream. I suggest going on the scary, barely put together rides at state fairs and then visit every single haunted house attraction known to man. Never scream.

    Zombies love screams.

    Screams = Zombie Bacon.

  24. 1) I once ate a stale dorito from the floor of my moms old Honda Accord the taste still lingers.
    2) I asked for jogging pants for x-mas so comfort is covered (unless of course I shit myself from fright). I like the elastic on the bottom cause sometimes I like to emulate LL Cool J.
    3) I already have the pooping outside covered I practiced that in Northern Quebec, now I'm an all seasons shitter. (but be careful not to pee on your jogging pants)
    4) I have a utility knife
    5) Harmonica.....check!
    6) I would probably fall asleep in my hiding spot and be eaten.
    7) made from fermented garbage
    8) I talk to myself in public all the time. it cant be that hard when no one else is around.
    9) SPAZ
    10) "You didn't know it could do that???!!!!!"
    11) I just need a Bindle
    12) Trust no one.