Friday, July 1, 2011

Don't Call It a Comeback.

Sometimes something needs to stay gone.

At times, some people like to fool themselves into thinking that certain things have comeback into fashion.  These were the idiots sporting mullets a few years back, and will likely come up with some sort of retired porn-star Burt Reynolds mustache to ride 'stylishly' into the future (probably while drinking PBR).  However, much like the mullet, or any form of rat-tail, these people were and are wrong.  That doesn’t mean that all comebacks are in the wrong.  I was all for the return of bell-bottoms.

Some comebacks involve words and slang, not all of which deserve a comeback (see: Bad Language for examples of slang that should go away NOW and stay gone).  Sometimes it can even be a person that makes a comeback, like Bill Murray or the Ninja Turtles.  And sometimes, people attempting a comeback should cease and desist, like that bizarre mixture of the New Kids and the Backstreet Boys, where I’m pretty sure they added in a few extra people from a random Sears catalogue photo shoot.  

So how can we tell the difference between a good comeback and a bad comeback, you ask, quite annoyingly?  Usually you can’t until it’s too late.  Something can seem like a good idea for a comeback on paper, like Indiana Jones, but end up being bad idea jeans, like Indiana Jones and the Crystal Wiener Schnitzel or whatever.  To be completely frank, it takes an innate sense of awesome to know what is the shit, and what is just shit, when it comes to comebacks.

Now, we all have fantasy island comebacks, in the back of our minds, you know, something that you desperately wish would come back into the now and be the norm again, like hearing good music on the radio, or there being television shows that aren’t centered on insane people with plastic boobies and/or questionable morals.  Hell, I’ve even argued about trying to make certain expressions make a comeback (see: Express Yourself).  But when a truly random nostalgia wave hits, and something like Pog starts coming back into popularity, you need to be able to declare whether or not you should jump on the bandwagon, or boycott it completely.  Incidentally if people start buying Pogs or Beany Babies again, take my advice, and do not jump on that particular bandwagon.  The same goes for those hideously frightening Troll dolls.

Anyways, in order to help you hone your skills, I will list a few examples that, should they try to make a comeback, you absolutely should not get on board with, and you can use that as a sort of blueprint for any kind of fashion / culture / food / expression / bullshit thing that may come up between now and forever as an attempted comeback.  Well hopefully not forever.  I assume in the afterlife, there isn’t really any use for this talent, and that there will no longer be any kind of cyclical trendy caca poopoo.  I’m kind of hoping that we’re all bald, wearing the same one piece robe or unitard, and speaking in rhyme.  All the time.  And I’ll finally stop hearing people say “Like us on Facebook”.

So, if you were to see any of the following examples actually attempting a comeback, you must do everything in your power to prevent it from happening.  Do not get on board.  Also, let me know about it, because it would mean that I am at least part psychic, and that would be pretty rad.  I would totally join the Psychic Friends Network (which also should not be allowed to make a comeback).

Hitchhiking across the land.
Because no story that starts with “He was holding a sign that said Headin' West” has ever had a happy ending.

Macauley Culkin and the like.
Trust me on this one, Neil Patrick Harris is the exception to the rule.  Child stars need to stay gone.  Yeah, I’m talking to you too, kid from Sixth Sense and those weird looking kids from Home Improvement.

Pot Pourri.
Honestly, you don’t much hear about Pot Pourri anymore, which is good, because it translates to rotten pot, and needs to stay gone.

Commercials about preventing static cling.
I don’t know if static cling still exists or not (or ever did) as a terrible day to day issue in the world, but the commercials need to stay gone.  I am so happy to not see commercials where a woman gets to work and has a sock stuck to her ass.  That would never happen.  I’m all for suspending my disbelief, but that’s just crazy.  I'm sure static cling would be awful, if it were real.  On the subject of advertising, I also didn’t care much for those ‘Head and Shoulders’ commercials either where there’s a dude who’s all: 
“… but you don’t have dandruff-” 
I would, however, like to see that same ad campaign applied to ‘Preparation H’.  Because the situation where one person has, not only the knowledge, but the nerve to say to the other:
“… but you don’t have hemhorroids-“
is just very absurd to me, and funny.  Shit, I’d buy it.

Incredibly pointy shoes.
I’m sure there are people out there still wearing them, but hopefully, their pointy tips are helping them trip and fall on a busy staircase somewhere, far far away from here.  Imagine getting kicked in the nuts by one of those things?  Jesus.

Saying something is ‘Money’.
I liked ‘Swingers’, but enough is enough.   Dear dudes out there, no, you are not actually Mikey and T, the sooner you recognize, the better we will all be.  It feels like it finally has mostly sunken in, and that you don’t hear this much anymore, and that’s good.  Do me a favor and keep it that way.

McDonald’s Pizza.
Can you believe that it even held on as long as it did the first time around?  I kind of wish Ronald and his entire dizzying array of emergency-diarrhea inducing food would pack it in for good, but I realize that isn’t happening ever.  The least that we can do is make sure they never try pizza again.

Chicken Soup books.
No explanation necessary. 

I could go one for a while, especially if I started listing people that shouldn’t make a comeback, but I think with these examples you get an idea of what to steer clear of.  I could even go on listing people and things that need to go away right now, and then subsequently never make a comeback, but again, then we would be here forever.

So, if you get anything from reading this, it should be that not all comebacks are created equal, and that you need to be careful out there.  Now, take what you have learned and apply it in all of life.  Remember, only YOU can prevent shitty things from making comebacks.  Or forest fires.

That’s it.  I need to go acid wash my jeans.


  1. I think Reality Show's "Allstar" editions need a place. Yes, I believe Reality Shows in general need to disappear, but they don't seem to be going away. That said, we do not need to extend these buffoon’s 15 minutes of fame any further.

  2. Chicken fucking soup. At first it was all, "aw, okay. Smarmy but inspirational." And then. AND THEN. Chicken soup for the mom's soul and chicken soup for the retiree's soul and chicken soup for the transgendered and chicken soup for the Central American and chicken soup for the homeless' soul, when really all they probably want is realy Chicken Soup. Fuck. I hope they never come back.

    Also, I had a conversation with Roxanne the other day about how someone took something off my desk and I almost said I was "debo'd." DEBO. Holy middle school, we used to use that work all the time. Thankfully I stopped myself and no harm was done.


  3. I really dont hope mullets come back. lol.

  4. I was at a thrift store once that was selling a bong stuffed with potpourri for only a $1

  5. hey, i actually liked those little pizzas from rotten ronnie's! but i suppose it could have been an act of desperation, being a vegetarian and not getting to choose what restaurant we were going to.

    now that i think about it, i am certain that my brother was doing it on purpose.

  6. McDonald's pizza? That sounds too terrible to contemplate. Pointy shoes would be much better.

  7. I am now going to spend a very entertaining day imagining everyone in unitards. Thanks.
    P.S. Magic eye pictures need to stay gone too.

  8. Troll Dolls huh? That's funny... Coulda sworn somebody I knew collected those as a kid.

  9. I hate the chicken soup title. You know they sell a dog food called Chicken Soup for the Dog Lover's Soul? None of the ingredients of said dog food are 'chicken soup,' which I call false advertising.

  10. Thank God Zima won't be making a comeback anytime soon. Alcohol for women and gay men. I think. I never tasted one (Zima or a gay man). But, I have some friends who named their dog "Zima."
    Who is now dead.
    Which I think is kinda symbolic.

  11. Child actors are long gone. Now it is all about children of actors. David Bowie's son may be the most promising director in Hollywood

  12. Boy bands, when they turn into now we're adults...but still doing the same thing.

  13. @Dorn: Totally agreed. That is just one step closer to bringing back Battle of the Network Stars, and we just can't have that.

    @Lor: I think if they made a Chicken Soup for the Chicken Soup Lover's Soul the world might end altogether.

    @Zombie: You might have just jinxed it...

    @Pickle: I'd probably accept it in that form... probably not the only rotten pot that has been sitting in that bong.

    @Kage: The weirdest thing is that they actually lasted longer in Canada than they did in the US. Montreal had pizza LONG after it had all but disappeared everywhere else.

    @Riot: It was terrible. Like old forgotten cheesy cardboard.

    @dbs: DUDE! Magic Eyes... good call. DAMN, I wish I had thought of that when I was writing...

    @Laoch: Well then, mission accomplished.

    @GameDoc: Shhhhhhhhhhhhh!

    @Beer: Also, sometimes Chicken Soup doesn't help. Chicken Soup for the RECOVERING METH ADDICT hardly seems like it would really do anything at all. "This Soup is ok, needs more meth."

    @Al: Strangely Mike's Hard Lemonade seems to be trying to make a comeback with those dumb commercials on television. All those drinks need to be rounded up and set on fire. And what a colorful fire that would be.

    @Katamacci: I can accept that. But if I see a movie directed by Suri Cruise I might shit my pants...

    @Antares: And the sex jams get creepier and creepier.

  14. My co-worker kind of encompasses a trifecta of things that should stay dead: She says "money" like it is the only word in her vocabulary, she continually reads the chicken soup books (at work mind you)and she is allll about the Backstreet Boys and I believe is attending a concert tonight? She is all that is wrong in this world.

  15. Does Chloe Moretz count on your child star checklist if she’s ripping out throats or chopping people up with bladed staffs?

  16. I'd like to think that I have an innate sense of awesome.

    I still have anxiety that a sock/undie will be stuck in my hoodie....I've had to stop and check on my way to my morning train.

  17. Don't forget Beanie Baby collections, hair scrunchies, overalls, and starter jackets. I did all this shit in the 90's and the evidence has been burned.

  18. @Wannabe: She MUST be stopped.

    @Drake: We can definitely make some exceptions. Like the girl in Hanna.

    @Todd: Sounds like you do.

    @Knight: STARTER JACKETS. Wow. Along with Magic Eye pictures, that is one that I wish I had thought of.

  19. Brilliant. I love that you used a picture of Charlie Sheenis to illustrate your valid^10 point.

  20. seriously...we need ot have sex...there i said it.

  21. @Jas: Yeah, he should definitely be on the list of "PLEASE DISAPPEAR FOREVER"...

    @Paige: Did you mean "we need TO have sex" or "we need NOT have sex"? I will assume that you meant the latter and that it is because my humorous writings have caused you, and everyone really, to already have one million orgasms.