The Last Straw.

They say that all divorces (breakups too, I would imagine) are caused by two things, sex and/or money.  I think we all know that sex and money may cause some of the splits out there, hell, a lot of them, but that generalization obviously overlooks some of the other core ingredients that can lead to a couple’s disbanding.  In so many movies, television shows, books and whatevers, there is always that one awful personality trait (disorder) or behaviour that happens after the whole sexymoney thing and then becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back (you know, like, when the dude bangs some secretary floozy at work and the wife finds out and forgives him but then it’s the fact that he walked through the house with shit on his boots n’ shit that makes her flip out and leave him).  

Allow me, if you will, to go through a few of the reasons that I have seen that, to me, are definitely grounds for divorce / breakup / walkout / explosion, and could eventually become the proverbial straw, if you let it.

Cleaning tends to make people unhappy as it is, but cleaning up after someone else is even worse.  Of all the things that need cleaning, I would imagine that dirty dishes have caused the most breaking points.  I’ve compiled a list of the worst types of dirty dishes that you can leave unattended for an unsuspecting spouse or partner who is about to do the dishes.

- Bowl of oatmeal (it honestly seems like you will never get all of the crusty dried oats off the bowl)

- Saucepan (when the warm water hits it, it literally smells like if someone puked whatever the sauce was into your face and nose and mouth)

- Soaked food (like when the person puts a stack of plates into the sink to “soak” and when you come by later to wash the stack of plates, there is a forgotten slice of toast or pizza crust left on one of the soaked plates that has expanded to the size of your head and feels a little like dog barf)

- Milk glass (seriously I can’t fucking reach the bottom, and it’s all covered in some kind of milky white milk film, I guess I could just throw it away)

- Egg remains (not just bits of food like the above mentioned fiasco, but I mean a bowl in which eggs were scrambled, but now, there’s a ring of dried up egg yolk around the bottom)

- Grease, in a bowl, frying pan, or wherever (especially when it has congealed into a weird sort of waxy puss)

- Certain spatulas, potato mashers, and miscellaneous kitchen utensils (everyone has that one kitchen utensil that they hate cleaning, that never feels clean, like your arch nemesis of dishes... if your partner uses it and leaves it for you, why, that’s just one big slap in the face)

Sadly, dishes are not the only things that need cleaning.  The following scenarios have certainly brought on arguments as well.  Follow me as I discuss the possible tipping points.

Scenario: “Oh yeah, well when was the last time you vacuumed?”

Tipping Point: After finishing vacuuming, they press the button to bring the power cord back in, and it whips them in the shin/testicle/face/breast.

Scenario: “I guess I’ll take out the garbage, again!”

Tipping Point: The garbage bag leaks brown, possibly chunky, garbage juice onto the person’s bare foot, somehow.

Scenario: “It just seems like I’m always the one scrubbing the bathroom down.”

Tipping Point: When placing the toilet brush into the bowl water, somehow water shoots up into the cleaner’s face (mouth and nose included).

There are many other scenarios in the bathroom, like leaving the toilet seat up and someone falls in, someone gagging after fishing the hair out of the bathtub drain for the millionth time, and of course, the dreaded floor piss.  The only real solution I can see to any of these problems is to possibly hire a maid.  Also find a home with a dishwasher, and maybe a urinal.

Food gets us into a lot of trouble too.  Avoid eating like a disgusting pig in front of your partner.  Also, never eat the other person’s leftovers without getting a written and signed document stating that permission has been authorized to eat the last two slices of Meat Lovers.  If your partner has put any effort at all into cooking, recognize the effort and resist the urge to say things pointing out any flaws.

“Meat loaf? More like Shit Loaf.”

“First time cooking this?  Tastes like it.”

“What?  Seriously are you trying to kill me?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to taste like that.”

“It might have been good if it wasn’t FUCKING BURNT TO A CRISP.”

And so on and so forth.  Maybe a solution would be to hire a chef.  

It seem like most of the above mentioned things stem from laziness.  Laziness is a huge factor in these combustible unions.  Notice there is always one person who gets the door, or phone?  The first time that they say “I’ll get it” they say it with genuine love, and a desire to allow the other person to remain in their comfortable position.  By the twenty hundredth time, the “I’ll get it” has a certain sarcastic tone, as if to say “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll get it, don’t trouble yourself” or even sometimes a more sadistic “I’ll get it AND KILL YOU WITH IT!”  My solution to this is that nobody gets it, or maybe just hire a butler to get it.

A badly timed fart or bathroom break can definitely get you into some heat (no pun intended), but I’ve already discussed that (see: 7 Levels of Conversation) so there is no need to revisit it now.  But it brings up a valid point: Communication.

First things first, avoid the backhanded compliments.

“I love you in that jacket, you look less wide.”

“Great soup honey, I haven’t thrown up in my mouth yet.”

“Looks aren’t that important to me.”

“Really, I don’t mind that you’re stupid, I kinda like it.”

Never tell anyone that their breath smells bad either.  It’s always insulting, but can be especially insulting in certain contexts.

“I love you.”

“Your breath really smells.”

Instead, try a more subtle approach.

“I love you.”

“Gee thanks, say, let’s go brush our teeth!”

See, now you’re doing something as a couple.  Success!

My last point about communication is to avoid all conversations in cars.  They are never worth the effort and have a tendency to go sour, usually because the driver does not give the full attention to the passenger.  Heaven forbid I should focus on the road!  FUCK!  Larry Miller did a great bit on this last summer when I saw him with my wife.  We talked about it on our drive home, until we got in an argument over which is better, Shish Taouk or Shawarma.  I guess you should just hire a driver. Also, the answer is, Shawarma.

Although, now it seems like solution-wise we’ve thought of hiring a maid, a chef, a butler and a driver.  I guess all we need is a nanny and we have a typical Hollywood marriage, and we all know how well those marriages work out.  Back to the drawing board I guess.

Anyways, the first time that any of these things happen, it’s usually more of a “the honeymoon is over” kind of a moment.  But after the twelve millionth time you’re making up miscellaneous reasons to hit the store. 

“Honey, we’re out of milk” says the dude as he is pouring a half gallon down the toilet.

Certainly everything mentioned here is only the tip of the iceberg, but better to at least know what the tip looks like before the whole damn Titanic sinks into oblivion.  Maybe just try laughing about these things.  Laughter is, as you may know, the best medicine.  Also stop hogging the fucking blanket.

That’s it.  I’m going to go kiss my wife now.