There I am behind a bumper with a bumper sticker on it that reads “HONK if you like musicals”. I have already declared a hatred for anything stupid to do with automobiles (see: Stupid is as Stupid Drives), but there’s just something even more special about this one. Now, no matter the massive amount of honks and cries coming from fellow road travelers, this person gets to drive like an asshole, and carry on ignorant and happy, like a child who just shit his pants during brunch at Applebee's. Did I honk at them when they cut me off?
Absolutely, I did.
Do I worry that instead of thinking “Oh curse my awful driving, I may have just pulled some asshole-ish maneuver just now, here in mine vehicle, at the expense of this fine specimen of wonderful driving”, he actually thought, “Oh man, I wonder which is his favorite. Me? Oh I’m an Andrew Lloyd Webber man, as far as I am concerned it just don’t get no better than Phantom, except maybe Grease”?
Even more absolutely, I do.
If Lloyd Webber fan is so damn passionate about musicals, then they need to get a bumper sticker that will make it a little bit easier to distinguish who is honking at them because of their elderly-blind-person driving abilities versus who is honking because they've seen ‘Cats’ forty times and touches themselves to visions of Mister Mistoffelees shoving his tail up their ass. I suggest changing it to something like “Give three brief honks, followed by one long honk, if you like musicals”. Also, depending on the rhythm and panache with which the person carries out this specialty honk, Captain Bumper Sticker can even measure just how musical this other driver is.
Maybe if there is a good enough honk, they can both pull over and break into song together. And that will give me the opportunity to run my car into their heads and/or brains.
Once I passed by the driver, I gave them the obligatory evil glare, and to my delight, it was not an old Asian lady like we all generally assume it to be when we notice someone driving like a four-year-old on the bumper cars at Canobie Lake Park, but a young student eating a breakfast burrito with his big fucking sunglasses on. Hooray world, for proving me wrong.
While I was glancing at Studious Burrito I ran my car into the back of a Ford Focus, being driven by an old Asian lady. Hooray world, for your delicious irony.
No, not really. But these are the exciting scenarios that run through my brain when I should be either focusing on the road, or on the work that I am supposed to be doing this very moment.
Maybe it’s just the fact that the mornings are darker and it’s harder to wake up. The nights are brighter, so I stay up later, and that makes the mornings even darker, and even more impossible. But, regardless, please take the damn bumper stickers off of your car, or please go and drive your car off a cliff. Whether or not you are in it as it travels off of said cliff, is entirely up to you. I will trust you to do the right thing.
That’s it. I've got to go watch re-runs of ‘Glee’.