Monday, March 21, 2011

Writer's Block, Vol. IV.

There I am behind a bumper with a bumper sticker on it that reads “HONK if you like musicals”. I have already declared a hatred for anything stupid to do with automobiles (see: Stupid is as Stupid Drives), but there’s just something even more special about this one. Now, no matter the massive amount of honks and cries coming from fellow road travelers, this person gets to drive like an asshole, and carry on ignorant and happy, like a child who just shit his pants during brunch at Applebee's. Did I honk at them when they cut me off? 

Absolutely, I did. 

Do I worry that instead of thinking “Oh curse my awful driving, I may have just pulled some asshole-ish maneuver just now, here in mine vehicle, at the expense of this fine specimen of wonderful driving”, he actually thought, “Oh man, I wonder which is his favorite. Me? Oh I’m an Andrew Lloyd Webber man, as far as I am concerned it just don’t get no better than Phantom, except maybe Grease”? 

Even more absolutely, I do.

If Lloyd Webber fan is so damn passionate about musicals, then they need to get a bumper sticker that will make it a little bit easier to distinguish who is honking at them because of their elderly-blind-person driving abilities versus who is honking because they've seen ‘Cats’ forty times and touches themselves to visions of Mister Mistoffelees shoving his tail up their ass. I suggest changing it to something like “Give three brief honks, followed by one long honk, if you like musicals”. Also, depending on the rhythm and panache with which the person carries out this specialty honk, Captain Bumper Sticker can even measure just how musical this other driver is.

Maybe if there is a good enough honk, they can both pull over and break into song together. And that will give me the opportunity to run my car into their heads and/or brains.

Once I passed by the driver, I gave them the obligatory evil glare, and to my delight, it was not an old Asian lady like we all generally assume it to be when we notice someone driving like a four-year-old on the bumper cars at Canobie Lake Park, but a young student eating a breakfast burrito with his big fucking sunglasses on. Hooray world, for proving me wrong.

While I was glancing at Studious Burrito I ran my car into the back of a Ford Focus, being driven by an old Asian lady. Hooray world, for your delicious irony.

No, not really. But these are the exciting scenarios that run through my brain when I should be either focusing on the road, or on the work that I am supposed to be doing this very moment. 

Maybe it’s just the fact that the mornings are darker and it’s harder to wake up. The nights are brighter, so I stay up later, and that makes the mornings even darker, and even more impossible. But, regardless, please take the damn bumper stickers off of your car, or please go and drive your car off a cliff. Whether or not you are in it as it travels off of said cliff, is entirely up to you. I will trust you to do the right thing.

That’s it. I've got to go watch re-runs of ‘Glee’.


  1. Between episodes of Glee, I think you may also want to examine your violent tendencies. I love musicals, breaking into song, breakfast burritos and honking. So there. *wink*

  2. I thought, "Honk to the tune of: I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"

    But maybe that's too long.

  3. Well, if someone started serenading me with the honks of "Past the Point of No Return" I would be in shock...and in turn, run into the old lady hunched over her wheel...the same damn old lady that I feel like I get stuck behind every. morning. God, it's like she waits for my car and then runs out like it's her job. *facepalm*

  4. Lately and I hate to admit this but it is in my face everyday, women drivers have my attention. One almost ran me down in a crosswalk (just because), one parked horizontally in the pathway of a store parking lot blocking all of us wanting to leave, as her friends loaded in the vehicle, one just cut me off and it amazes me how these people act like "I AM THE QUEEN YOU ASSHOLES, SO DON'T GET IN MY WAY". Thanks, lovin' your road rage.

  5. would 'honk if you like cock' be enough to make you hesitate? Is any bad driving bad enough for you to come out the closet for?

  6. we have to have these little sagas when we're driving, or at least i do. without them, the boredom of being trapped in a metal box for more than five minutes would kill me. i hate driving.

  7. I hate other drivers. Period.
    Most people are bad drivers. Except me.

  8. Seriously... can I be friends with you when this blog makes you famous?

  9. That's what I've been saying Sara. I'm trying to dig up dirt on him, in case I have to result to blackmailing. JUST KIDDING! Probably.

    This reminds me of my hatred for "baby on board" signs. It really makes me want to run those cars down because WTF. Really, what is the purpose of that damn sign? What is it accomplishing? Growl.

    Honk if you like Kev D! (Or if you have that dirt I'm looking for. Ahem.)

  10. I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and I mean "grand."

    Not that there's anything wrong with it.

  11. A bad driver with that bumper sticker? You just can't win.
    I'm laughing. Not at you, but I'm still laughing. Sorry?

  12. Isn't there any solace in knowing that each bumper sticker a person adds signifies how much Zoloft they need to stop their uncontrollable crying? And if he likes's only a matter of days before one of his 38 cats smothers him in his sleep.

  13. Do I get points for keeping a mannequin of Tevye the Milkman in my passenger seat so's I can use the Express lane?.

  14. I think I just laughed my ass off. Really. It's lying there, on the floor next to my desk chair.

    I saw someone today that had TWO bumper stickers on their car. One said "Team Quiddich" and the other said "The Angels Have the Phone Box". Now, I am a nerd, so I know what both reference, but man! Putting bumper stickers like those on one's car is just asking for an ass-whooping! (It was a Ford Fiesta. And it was a dude.)

  15. What Sara said.
    (P.S. I once rear-ended three elderly ladies who had stopped in the middle of a traffic circle and when I checked to see if they were alright they remarked in broken Polish or something(?): you crazy. young man. Ah the good old days.

  16. @kmcaffee: I've decided that Glee would be better if it had more Zombies.

    @Vinny: Does your car horn have a keyboard attached?

    @Jackie: I know exactly what you mean, I get this asshole in his Audi every other morning... Why does he need to stop for SO LONG at every stop sign? We'll never know.

    @Basque: It's not sexism when YOU say it!

    @Glen: I'm very trigger happy with my horn, so these types of bumper stickers are the worst.

    @Kage: I know what you mean. When are they going to invent auto-pilot so I can do other things while driving!?!?!?

    @Sarcasm: I knew that there had to be at least ONE other decent driver out there. Bless your heart.

    @Sara: You work on getting me famous, and I'll go get you one of those giant corsages.

    @Lorraine: I saw a wacky british comedian that went off on "Baby on Board" for twenty minutes. It was a GLORIOUS twenty minutes. As for getting dirt on me...

    @Al: Was that you eating the burrito this morning?

    @Antares: WIth me or at me, don't make no difference... I'm just glad you're laughing.

    @Pickelope: HAHAHAHAH... How many of his cats would be named Mistoffelees?

    @Beer: Yes, because exploiting musicals for your own gain is perfectly acceptable. Just don't have him taking up an extra seat on public transit.

    @Steph: Yeah, sounds like a total weenie.

    @dbs: Well, like I said to her, you work on making me famous, and I'll move to Saskatchewan. As for the old Polish ladies... AWESOME. Once I got cut off by an old lady and when I passed her, my wife gave her the finger and she looked like she was having a heart attack... "Oh Jesus in heaven save me from the sinners!"

  17. 90% of the time I have a problem with another drive he or she is Asian. I don't want to stereotype but...

    Honk once if you like musicals, Honk twice times if I am dick,

  18. Vinny wins. And I'll never ever look at Mister Mistoffelees the same way again. Also I'm tempted to have some fun at Urban Dictionary and making "Rum Tum Tugger"a new deviant activity.

  19. But if it HAD happened, you'd be ready with some choice words to add to an interesting blog!


  20. @Penny: It keeps happening where I drive by, and I'm thinking, please don't be Asian, don't add to the large volume of data backing the stereotype, and then BAM... Oh well, glad to know I am not alone.

    @Elly: It's my goal to warn everyone of Mistoffelees and his deviant lifestyle.

    @Pearl: I'm sure I will have the opportunity again... Thanks!

  21. ugh! hate glee, hate american idol, hate musicals, and while i'm at it... hate madonna, cher, christina, celine. LOVE this post.

  22. I think it more goes with where you live. I feel like this every day in Los Angeles, and we have sunshine all the time. Driving is a privilege, not a right. And it's a wonder how some people get their licenses.

  23. @Green Monkey: Thanks! Sounds like we hate a lot of the same things :)

    @GameDoc: Was it the Thunderbolt or the Cyclone or the Tornado? I don't remember what that thing was called.

    @Loans: You're so right... AUTO TITLE LOANS. ???

  24. I believe that there should be only ONE bumper sticker in print (for those who simply must have them) and they should say:
    I'm a douche!
    It would be true of every single person who used one.

    However, I do have 2 left wing-liberal bumperstickers on magnets [so they can be removed. I am a genius] that I put on my car when there is an occasion that my In-laws might see them -or better, when I might have to drive them somewhere. They are hard core conservative republicans and I just like to make them squirm.