Honestly, if anyone follows any type of ‘shizzle’, ‘hizzle’ or ‘drizzle’ with ‘my nizzle’, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal not to kick them in the nuts and/or muff (unfortunately, even hermaphrodites are sometimes guilty of this) and then run over their foot with a motor scooter (for increased humiliation). The same goes for ‘da bomb’, ‘dope’, ‘fresh’ or ‘tight’.
Yes, I do realize that often times these expressions are spoken in an attempt at ironic humor, like “check me out, I’m lame, it’s so lame that it’s funny”. It’s not. That angle is played. So played.
These are the same people that do ‘air quotes’.
If you don’t stop them now, they will keep repeating these atrocities the way that modern restaurants repeat the word chipotle.
“The Chipotle Pizza is prepared with a blend of chipotled chiplote cheeses and generously topped with chipotlish chipotles of chipotley chipotle. The chipotle sauce, is to chipotle for.”
I think you are starting to understand the type of people and expressions that I mean. Almost everything that people like this will say, should not be said. Watch an episode of 'Jersey Shore' and you'll get what I am saying. Scratch that, please don't watch an episode of 'Jersey Shore'. And anyways, I have discussed these types of expressions and people previously (see: Bad Language). At that time, however, I really only scratched the surface.
The following is a continuation, an addendum if you will, of a couple more things to absolutely never say anymore, and to discourage everyone else in the universe from ever saying. These tend to be said by anyone and everyone, not just people that look to Snooki as the voice of their generation. So read carefully, take note, and prepare to make some changes.
Foodie.
I don’t understand why this has become so popular, and how it has managed to propagate and become so widely used. The first time that I heard it, I assumed it was some kind of group of people with a weird sex fetish. You know people that like to bang each other with strap on submarine sandwiches or make love to a pizza bagel or something? But no, it’s people who just like food, and feel that they like it enough that, somehow, they need to distinguish themselves from the rest of us, who also like food.
Is this where we’re at? Making up creative names to categorize us for qualities that come naturally to every human / animal / organism? How shitty is the non-eating section of your life that you’re defining yourself by something that we all do, innately, for survival?
“I love eating, I’m a Foodie.”
“Oh well, I like food too, so, doesn’t that make me a Foodie too?”
“NO! I WANT TO BE SPECIAL! I NEED TO BE SPECIAL! YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL LIKE ME!”
I got news for you, we all like food. You’re not special. Honestly, what’s next?
“I’m an Airy. I don’t know what I would do without breathing. I mean, I just can’t live without my air.”
“Yeah… that sort of goes for all of us.”
“No, but I’m special, I know a lot about breathing. More than you. I know where the best air in the city is. By the way, I’m a Watery too.”
“Yeah, so’s my cat. He peepees and poopoos in a box.”
In the end, it kind of seems like a more friendly way to describe people with a food addiction. Although, calling a fat person a Foodie sounds sort of mean, doesn't it? Does this mean we should call a sex addict a Sexy?
“Roger needed to go get some help, he checked himself into a Sexy Facility.”
Sign me up. Or maybe it is more about the level of knowledge that they have.
“Roger has the biggest porn collection I’ve ever seen! What a Sexy!”
I like taking dumps. And I could talk about poop for hours. Maybe I should be a Dumpy, or a Poopy. But alas, as fun as making up bullshit titles for ourselves clearly is, we need to put a stop to it now, before this gets out of hand. Sorry Foodies, it’s time to find a new special talent, and to stop using that word.
While we’re at it, let’s completely stop trying to make random snappy expressions by adding ‘Y’ or ‘IE’ to words. What are we, five fucking years old?!?!?!
“She’s my Besty!”
“Hey, guess what? You’re the fucking Worsty.”
The most offensive ‘IE’ word out is when people deliciously call premature babies ‘PREEMIES’. Is it supposed to make it sound cuter? Well, it sounds gross, and frankly, I feel like it downplays the whole situation quite a bit. No offense to all the Preemies out there. Also, it rhymes with ‘creamy’, and somehow, that’s really fucked up to me.
I think the original hip and cool ‘IE’ word was ‘Hippies’, and seriously, don’t we all just hate hippies? Not just for the smell, but because they’re awful? So why follow that blueprint?
In conclusion, fuck you, self proclaimed Foodies.
But before I close the topic of these so-called food experts, for the love of God, everyone stop saying ‘Fast-Casual’. It’s fast food. Just because it costs more and looks nicer, doesn’t change what it is. It is food, given to you fast, that you eat fast. Afterwards, you feel shame (and a little bit of pre-diarrhea tummy rumbling). That’s fast food.
It is what it is.
Of all of the ‘non statements’ out there, “it is what it is” is by far the most vague and useless. It is applicable in virtually any situation, and yet, brings absolutely nothing to the table. Why not say “it isn’t what it isn’t”? Or “it does what it does”? Or “it schnooblers what it schnooblers”?
The same people that over use “it is what it is” also seem to flock to the expression “that being said”, which is another choice ‘non statement’. I call these ‘non statements’ because you could replace them in the conversation with complete silence or even with a mild, possibly nervous, fart, and pretty much have the same impact.
“I know it sucks, but, it is what it is.”
VS.
“I know it sucks, but… [squeeeeeeeeeeeeee]…”
No difference to the listener. Except smell. If anything, the nervous fart has more impact.
“They sure do use the word ‘chipotle’ a lot. That being said, the Chipotle Pizza is delicious.”
VS.
“They sure do use the word ‘chipotle’ a lot… [squeeeeeeewawawawawpwent]… The Chipotle Pizza is delicious.”
It actually feels more from the heart, with that big ol’ mild and nervous fart*.
So, join me in boycotting these expressions. If we continue to work on ourselves, and avoid such annoying expressions, eventually, we may be able to all unite together as one gigantic happy family. Someday, one day… That being said, I don’t see it happening anytime soon. It is what it is.
That’s it. I'm late for my Foodie tour of the city!
*: from ‘Highway 10 Revisted: The Musical’
