Monday, April 18, 2011

Time of the Signs.

"Hey everybody!  It’s Mindy’s birthday on Tuesday, so we will be passing around a card for all of you to sign!  Then we’ll have a mandatory lunch time party on Tuesday!  It’s not actually mandatory, but if you don’t go, people will just correctly assume that you’re an asshole!  And everyone will awkwardly sing Happy Birthday to someone that they don’t really know anything about!  Except that her name is Mindy!  It will ruin your usual lunch time routine of eating alone in the parking lot!  And there will be one random guy who’s really into it!"

Alright, so I’m exaggerating quite a bit.  And to be honest, I don’t mind the forced socialization and the free shitty cake.  I think what really pisses me off is the passed around group card.  You know the kind with the lame joke and the cheesy picture?

Depending on when you get the card, it can be annoying for different reasons.  If you’re the first to get the card, unfortunately, you know that you’re setting the bar for everyone else.  You’re declaring the emotional tone, the level of jokiness and the overall desired length of each individual message.  Suddenly you have become the blueprint for how everyone else is supposed to feel about Mindy.  You’re a Mindy barometer, and you don’t even know what she fucking does at the company.

You may even sign the card and then realize at the party that you were thinking of someone else.  Plus, no matter what you do, you know everyone who gets the card after you is going to read your message.

“Did you guys see what Johnson wrote?  What does that even mean?”

Getting it last isn’t much good either, because all of the good standard messages are used up, which doesn't really matter because there’s no space left to write an actual message anyways.  You end up writing “YAY” and signing a shortened version of your name, followed by a little smiley face, if space permits.  And now Mindy thinks that you don’t care.

Which you don’t, but you’d hate for her to find that out based on a group card.

If you get the card somewhere in between first and last, there is usually room to write something, but as I have said, all of the standard messages are used up.  You read through everyone else’s to get ideas, and end up judging them, like you feared you would be judged.  And like future signers of the card will do unto you.

“Adam wrote ‘loose’ instead of ‘lose’?  Who still does that?”

Alright, enough of that, you need to get back to figuring out what to write, Mr. Grammar Police.

“Let’s see, I’ll put Happy Birthday Sue… wait… shit no, that’s been done already, ok… how about Best Wishes?  … Damn!  Carl already wrote that, I fucking hate Carl.”

You contemplate scratching off Carl’s name and writing your own, but somehow, you feel like you would get found out. You would, and the consequences would be severe.  Well, maybe not severe, but you might not get cake, and that’s probably not a risk that you want to take.  So you rack your brains trying to figure out something short and sweet.  And it sucks. 

Let’s face it, eventually everyone just starts randomly slapping words together in a nonsensical way, just so that it doesn’t say exactly what the others say, but still conveys the same general message.

“All the best” – Steve
“Nothing but the best” – Jimbo
“Mostly I wanna say, hey, take some best” – Amanda
“Good luck with all things best forever wishing you the best ‘n shit” – Jennifer
“I CANNOT BELIEVE ALL THE BEST THINGS I WISH ON YOU!” – Carl

Amidst the confusion it’s only a matter of time before someone forgets what the card is actually for, signs the wrong thing, crosses it off and then tries to make up for it.

Sorry for your loss Get ready for all my best wishes coming your way” – Shawn

Shawn should have stuck to his guns.  At least it would have been original. 

Rather than go through all of this torment, why not just think “Seriously, who gives a shit?” and just write the same thing as someone else.  Do you honestly think that the person is going to get the card and go C.S.I. on it?  Original Vegas, not Miami or whatever? Also, original cast?

“Well Jeremy and Cassandra both wrote the same thing, and, when I brought the card into the lab, clearly, Jeremy’s ink was fresher, wetter, guiltier, thus making him the plagiarizer.  Alert the press.”
“Great work, Grissom!”

Why write anything anyways?  The card already says what we all want to say.  Does anyone get the card and think “well Happy Birthday is clearly printed on the inside and the cover page, but I should probably wait and see what everyone wrote on the inside to gauge what the card is really all about”?

Someone should just write “from everyone” and be done with it, even if it’s one of those ‘BLANK INSIDE’ cards.  No, especially if it’s one of those ‘BLANK INSIDE’ cards.  Fuck it.  They know why we’re here.

“It’s your birthday, here’s a card.”
“It doesn't even say anything.”
“It’s from all of us.”

That would probably more accurately depict what we all think of each other in an office setting anyways.

I’d like to see someone get fired on their birthday, and be thrown a going away party disguised as a birthday, and they only find out when they start reading the card.

“Oh thanks everyone!  What a lovely birthday party!”
OPEN THE CARD!
“It says… You’ll be missed… ??? …  good luck for the future… ???? What the-”
“The wrapped present box actually just contains all of the belongings from your desk.  Security will escort you out immediately.”
“Can I have some cake?”
“No, I’m sorry, it’s for employees only.”

Have you ever accidentally not signed a card that everyone else in the office has signed?  And when you see the person reading that card in front of everyone, their eyes slowly going through the signatures, you can somehow feel what they are thinking? 

“Bill… CHECK… Chris… CHECK[insert your name here]… Oddly absent from the card, and yet, there they are, eating cake, joining in.  Watching.  Laughing.”

At this point, you might even try some kind of covert operation to get the card back before they leave for the day.

“Say Mindy, do you mind if I see that card?”
“Why? The messages in it are meant for me.”
“Yeah but you know everyone reads them as it goes around the office anyways so-”
“I trust people not to do that.”
“Well that’s dumb, look, can I fucking see it now?”
“I already know that you didn’t sign it, and that’s why you’re holding that pen.  You’re too late.  The jig is up.”

Maybe it wasn’t that covert after all.  And as everyone’s suspicious whispers begin to grow louder, you jump out the window and throw your two weeks notice at the boss on your way out, written in chocolate frosting on a paper airplane napkin.

“It’s been real.  I’m out.  PEACE!”

In the end, I suggest just finding a really original way to sign your name, and leave it at that.  Just a signature.  It’s even better if you get it carved into a custom stamp and use an ink-pad to stamp your mark on future joint cards.  It will give you a mysterious edge at work, which will work to your advantage when there is only one donut left in the breakroom, and you are face to face with the overweight guy from sales. 

Behind him, the receptionist offers him a word of advice.

“Dude, I’d let him have it.  He doesn’t even write messages in cards, who can honestly tell what he’s capable of.”

Answer: no one.  But seriously, it had those toasty coconut sprinkles.  It was a big win for me.

That’s it.  There’s no more room left on the card.

25 comments:

  1. I like to sign cards like these to women I know only slightly with something like: I really enjoyed our naked times together.

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  2. I loved this post. I laughed throughout the whole thing. I love forced socialization in cubicle life when pot luck is on the menu. Then you get judged for putting either no effort into your dish or worse, someone gets the word spread that you brought nothing but just went back for your 4th helping of guacamole!

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  3. When these cards come (which sounds dirty), I'll usually write, "I didn't know you too well. Have a great summer. See you next fall!"

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  4. How about the 'we're collecting money for someone' thing? We once had an office collection fund for a woman who has having a baby. I never carry cash, and told them this, as a way to cop out because I wasn't giving her any of my damn money (I'd never even met her). They cheerfully told me there was an ATM downstairs, and I cheerfully told them that ATM has a $2 fee which I will not pay. They left me alone. The guy at the cube next to me, meanwhile, was angry. I mean, visibly angry. He threw one dollar on the edge of his cube and said take it, that's all you're getting out of me.

    Keep in mind the woman worked in a department where we all knew she made more than we did. Why the hell did she need our money? They should have made an office pool for us. "Help support the poor people."

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  5. "You never loose by loving. You always loose by holding back." ~Barbara De Angelis ;)

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  6. I signed a going away card today, and this is the EXACT thought process I had. You are a fucking genius, my friend.

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  7. Aaaaw. Nothing like heartfelt wishes on generic cards.
    "Happy Retirement".

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  8. Just write "See you tomorrow." Unless it's a retirement party. Actually wait, especially if it's a retirement party.

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  9. @Laoch: This works the best for a retirement party. The older the better.

    @Dorn: Why is it Pot LUCK anyways? What's lucky about it? Nothing. Should be called a Pot Suck.

    @Al: "Have a great summer!" That's damn funny. I'll use that next time, but don't worry, I'll give you credit. Which will look even funnier in the card: ""Have a great summer" - Al Penwasser" - Kevin

    @Beer: Office jobs are bearable only because people are insane. The drama and the mystery and the intrigue are the ONLY reason I even go to work anymore. Love the story too... I kind of wish he had thrown change at their feet though.

    @dbs: If that's true, then I loose quite a bit.

    @Sara: It's heartwarming to see I am not alone. I would LOVE to read what you would end up writing in a card. Hopefully you'd write "It's just a Daddy Thing." Hahaha...

    @Antares: If I had invented Hallmark, things would be very different.

    @GameDoc: I like "Keep In Touch" on a birthday card.

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  10. Kev, in lieu of hallmark, I just gave you something. "Once more with feeling";)

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  11. Thanks man. Once I finally finish with this move (yes another year, another change of home) I will get back to writing more and acknowledge your lovely gesture.

    Cheers.

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  12. You've made me immensely grateful that my boss is a hater of all things demonstrative, so cards and gifts for special occasions are just left efficiently at my desk for me to find and enjoy at my leisure with no forced frivolity to endure.

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  13. That pic of your name is the greatest thing I've seen done with a name since.... since... Just keep using it please!!!

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  14. I hate those "Mandatory Fun" socializing events, particularly since I'm a woman in a male-dominated field and for whatever reason, people are under the impression that I can cook...

    Even my husband's colleagues (same industry) ask "Will your wife be making those brownies again?"

    When, of course, it was my husband who baked the brownies.

    I'm just the one that consumes.

    I especially love the cards when the only thing I can think to write on there is my name... because lord forbid I accidentally say "Congratulations on not shutting down the lizard part of your brain and accidentally forgetting to breathe... because that's really all you've accomplished this year."

    /bitter rant.

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  15. @tatty: Are you hiring?

    @DrC: I'm so happy someone FINALLY commented on that! I've been using that for over 15 years and only now, for the first time, have put it on display for everyone to see.

    @K.Syrah: My guess is you work in the software world like I do... and you should TOTALLY write that next time. Seriously, I'm sure everyone will respect your honesty :)

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  16. Hey, got an award for you over at my place.

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  17. I hate those sorts of things. If I really gave a damn about someone's birthday, I'd get them a personal card. I know the wrath of non-participation, as well. I missed the signing of a sympathy card for a manager whose father had died. Oh, the cold looks...

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  18. keven sure has a long leg! oh wait...

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  19. Dude, I seriously experienced the signing of an office sympathy card for somebody who lost their spouse and the old guy in the cubicle next to me who had no idea what was going on because of his severe age wrote "Have a great day, you deserve it!" and was the last one to sign it so nobody caught it/corrected him/burned the evidence of such an awful, terrible office place incident.

    I really wish I made that story up.

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  20. @Paul: Thanks chief!

    @Wandering: That's exactly the kind of crap I'm talking about. Everyone assumes the worst. "He didn't sign it, he hates me and is GLAD my Dad died."

    @Zombie: Holding it in that position is really the tricky part.

    @Alicia: "You deserve it!"... That's incredible. That's the most harsh thing you could ever say to someone in that context. Wow. That guy deserves a trophy of some kind.

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  21. BLOGGER killed some comments.

    They were:

    ---

    From Zombie:

    Kevin sure has a long leg! Oh wait...

    ---

    From Alicia:

    Dude, I seriously experienced the signing of an office sympathy card for somebody who lost their spouse and the old guy in the cubicle next to me who had no idea what was going on because of his severe age wrote "Have a great day, you deserve it!" and was the last one to sign it so nobody caught it/corrected him/burned the evidence of such an awful, terrible office place incident.

    I really wish I made that story up.

    ---

    From Kev. D:

    @Paul: Thanks chief!

    @Wandering: That's exactly the kind of crap I'm talking about. Everyone assumes the worst. "He didn't sign it, he hates me and is GLAD my Dad died."

    @Zombie: Holding it in that position is really the tricky part.

    @Alicia: "You deserve it!"... That's incredible. That's the most harsh thing you could ever say to someone in that context. Wow. That guy deserves a trophy of some kind.

    ---

    Thankfully I have been so lazy lately that nothing else was eaten up.

    Peace.

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  22. I always sign "Hope it all works out for you!!"
    it works for
    birthday, graduation, retirement, babyshower, anniversary etc.

    On Sympathy cards, I leave out the exclamation points. I'm not a TOTAL asshole.

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  23. LOL! Yea, been through that too... in school though.... I didn't know what to write in the card, so i wrote something cheesy, like: good luck in life, or something like that.

    following

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  24. @Katie: I think if you keep it to one exclamation point, you're safe. Or put a question mark, for added mystery and intrigue.

    @KRocks: Cheesy usually works for these situations, but don't you just feel so dirty afterwards? Also, thanks!

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  25. omilord! funniest truest office situation blog EVER!

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