Good On Paper.

Often you will hear that something is ‘good on paper’.  This means that while it would seem like a delightful idea in theory, once you actually play it out, it doesn’t quite live up to the beautiful list of benefits that may or may not have once listed onto some sort of paper at an earlier moment in time.  There are things out there which are more obviously ‘good on paper’ but ‘bad in practice’, such as Communism, Adult Diapers, Napping, Water Beds, or Unprotected Sex.  However, some things are much more covertly ‘bad in practice’.  Leave it to me to assist you in avoiding the following list of ‘good on paper – bad in practice’ things and shit and whatnot that may otherwise take you by surprise.

Smelly Candles.

Who wouldn’t like fresh cookie smell?  Or pumpkin pie smell?  Or laundry smell?  Or Christmas Tree?  The thing is if you have a bunch of good smelling candles lying around, at some point, you’ll end up lighting one up before sex, or, on the opposite side of the spectrum after taking a huge dump.  And given how connected smell is to memory, over time, the given smell will act as a trigger.  Which means that this particular smell will either make you pop a boner or completely relax your colon, neither of which are very desirable when you are standing at ‘Mrs Fields’ at the mall, or cutting down the Griswold family Christmas tree, or eating dessert with the In-Laws, or folding clothes, and so on and so forth.  If you are female, replace ‘pop a boner’ with the female equivalent.

Digital Cameras / Camera Phones.

I realize that this is old news, but I wish that I could have prevented this one, and warned so many people of what was to come.  On paper, it reads that “I can take so many pictures!” In practice it becomes “I must take so many pictures” or “I need to take pictures of everything forever” and everyone ends up with a never ending library of photos that no one will ever look at.   I’ve covered this before, though (see: Picture Perfect).  I guess I’d just love to go somewhere, ANYWHERE, and not see people taking pictures of everything.  Just once please.

Netflix.

Again, I’m far too late to have prevented this, but on paper, we all love the ease of use, the accessibility and the huge selection that Netflix and the like have to offer.  In practice, however, there are no more movie stores and I miss browsing.  And fuck Redbox too, especially since the one at Shaw’s was busted tonight.

Drinking Eight Glasses of Water per Day.

On paper – I’ve never felt so alive, hydrated and healthy.  In practice – I’ve never peed so much.  I can’t commit to a one hour meeting, out of fear of pissing myself.  The commute home becomes a race to not pee all over my car.

Stalls with Walls that Go All the Way to the Floor.

I learned this on a recent business trip, where the office building I visited had bathrooms equipped with stalls of this kind.  I know what you’re thinking “but Kev, what about the added ankle privacy?”  While it is true that no one will be able to figure out who you are by the crumpled up pants and shoes normally put on display, it is also horrifyingly true that every smell that has ever been in the stall up until that point will be trapped in this poorly aerated stall, possibly forever and ever.  The smells all mingle together to create some sort of perpetual super smell mixture. Stepping into the stall is like being slapped in the face by an old sweat sock drenched in piss, chock full of shit, and sprinkled with some sort of onion-garlic-curry hybrid.  Too much?

Ice Makers.

I agree that the old school method of having to fill little ice cube trays is both tedious and slow.  And I ALWAYS spill water on the floor when travelling from the sink to the freezer… But I don’t think I’ve ever had ice cubes from an ice maker that didn’t smell funny.  And not ‘ha ha’ funny.  I prefer my ice non-smelly.

Alpaca Sweater.

I honestly liked how it looked on me at the store.  It was slimming, it was warm.  So, dagnabbit, I bought it.  What I didn’t know about an Alpaca sweater, and you should know, is that little fluffs fly off the sweater and go everywhere.  The floor at home – covered.  The floor at work in and around my cubicle – also covered.  Belly button and ass crack – full to the brim.  But seriously, my little fluffs are all over the office.  You can actually tell where I have been.  And forgive me for once again bringing up the workplace poop, but I left more than just trace amounts of Alpaca on the floor in the stall.  HENCE, EVERYONE KNOWS WHERE I’VE BEEN – the frequent trips to the kitchen area and to the bathroom.  Alpaca Sweater makes my workplace routines completely transparent!  It didn’t take me long to throw it away.  I felt like taking it back to the stupid GAP where I bought it.  I don’t remember seeing fluffs on the floor around the display.  FALSE ADVERTISING.  They must have had someone armed with a ‘Ghostbuster’ backpack style vacuum cleaner to run out and clean house every five minutes while no one is looking.  Damn you GAP, your Alpaca sweaters and your stupid staff of vacuum ninjas.

Well, I’m sure there are plenty more examples rampaging out there and maybe I will get to them one day.  For now, I think that is a good start.  You’ve been warned.

That’s it.  My Alpaca just came out of the dryer and I need to use the potty.