Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Best of the Best.

I get about one gazillion emails a day, and there are far too many of them using the ‘best regards’ closer. Oh sure, some people try and mix it up sometimes with some warm regards, kind regards, delicious regards or even plain ol’ regular adjective-free regards. But generally, the best regards are the most popular of the regards. But how can all of these regards really be the best? Isn’t best supposed to be the best? You know, as in there can be only one best? Like Highlander, and shit? Apparently people have thousands of their best regards, just laying around to be given out for no good reason. Personally, even if I had thousands of my best regards to spare, I’d reserve the best regards for people that I care about, and for important messages only. Some people are giving best regards in insanely inappropriate contexts.

Hi Bill,
I need that report by five’o’clock or else you’re fired.
Best regards,

It’s only a matter of time before people take it up a notch and start sending people their best best regards. Just once I’d like to see someone close an email with a more honest set of regards, like second best or fourth best regards, the worst regards, smelly regards, awkward regards or simply zero regards.

Hello Benjamin,
Take your report and shove it directly up your ass.
Absolutely no regards at all whatsoever, not even one single regard,

When letters or emails are outside of the formal business kind of context, people tend to gravitate towards best wishes instead of the regards. But the same logic should still apply. There is always that family of assholes that sends out some long Christmas letter to everyone they’ve ever met to update them with every single thing that has happened to them over the last year, no matter how personal it may be, and how private it should have remained. I’m sure you know the kind of letter that I mean. And it always ends with wishes, but not just any wishes, the best wishes.

Dearest Fapperwheel Fanclub Member,

This year was another roller coaster of a whirlwindy year for the Fapperwheel clan. The family’s patriarchal figure Benjamin Fapperwheel was promoted early in the year and has succeeded just tremendously in his new role as the guy that stands on the side of the road in a Spiderman costume to entice people to come and buy roses at the flower shop. He gets to make his own sign, with an arrow and everything. He also has a Santa Claus costume for the holiday season. We are blessed with all of his newfound success. As for myself, the mother hen, Tiffany Fapperwheel, I was let go mid-June from my position at the Bouncing Titties Buffet and Salad Bar. Rather than get down on myself for too long, I turned it around into an opportunity and started giving dancing classes at the local YMCA. Once the initial protests died down, the classes became quite popular, although many of the class members were overweight unemployed men who refused to participate, and just liked to watch. The tips have been generous though!

Our youngest son Jeremy Fapperwheel is settling in well at his new high school, where the other kids have nicknamed him the Whiz Kid. Not because he is smart, at all, but simply because of his continuous and frequent need to urinate, often accidentally. We all feel that this is a vast improvement over his former school’s nickname for him, Piss Face. Keep it up Piss Face, I mean, Whiz Kid! Our middle child, Dandylion Fapperwheel, a.k.a. Dandy the Amazing, has continued to AMAZE audiences at children birthday parties the county over with her magic act. Contrary to what you may have read in the paper, the parent’s of that particular child dropped the charges in the end, admitting that the burns were not so severe after all, and that in all likeliness her hair would probably grow back just fine, and the same color as before. With a lot of careful editing, a little movie magic, and frequent use of the star wipe, she just completed her video portfolio to send off to clown college, so keep your fingers and toes crossed for her!

Our eldest son, and other middle child, Benjamin Fapperwheel IV, is following in his father’s footsteps by dropping out of school to pursue a career at the car wash, being the guy standing on the roadside trying to get people to turn in and get their car washed. We’ve never been more proud! Our eldest daughter, Britney Fapperwheel, got knocked up at some point this past summer and is planning to marry early in the New Year, you know, before the baby comes, to some real asshole, quite possibly not even the father of the kid. Check your mailboxes soon for the invitations! The ceremony and reception will be held at the Chuck E. Cheese in town where she works, where she usually can be found cleaning the balls one by one from the ball pit where the kids play and pee. She just loves big ol’ shiny balls! Our hearts are just bursting with excitement and joy!

I would like to end on a small note about our two beautiful dogs Prick and Von Johnson Woofenwiener. They’re dead.

All our love and best wishes,
The Fapperwheels

Now that they have used up all of their love as well as their best wishes, one would assume and maybe hope that they would have very little to live for. But don’t get too excited, somehow, they’ll be back, year after year, with all new love and shiny new best wishes. What the hell do I want someone else’s best wishes for anyways? Unless one of their best wishes is that my best wishes comes true (or somehow happens to be the same thing as one of my many wishes,) then I really can’t use them. I doubt that their best wishes are for me to somehow win lots of money. Maybe Jeremy Fapperwheel’s best wish is to stop peeing so much. What the hell good does that do me? And what good does that do him if he gives that wish away?

“Dad, I had wished to stop peeing so much, how come I can’t stop?”
“Oh, that’s easy, son, I gave all of our best wishes away to everyone that we know. Incidentally, we really hate each other now, because I gave all of our love away too. Now, would you mind standing on the plastic, Piss Face?”

The end of letters like that should just read ‘Some love and occasionally decent wishes.’ If you want to spice it up, feel free to make it ‘lots of love and wishes’, but just don’t promise your best. To make matters worse, some people don’t even feel that the best is enough, and they will follow the ‘all our love’ motif and throw in an ‘all the best’.

Hey there Petunia,
I heard through the grapevine that you finally had your head successfully pulled out of your ass. Kudos!
All the best,

All the best… what exactly? All the best… chicken wings? All the best… aluminum siding? All the best… testicular cancer? No matter what it refers to, can this person really claim to be giving them all to you? Like, everyone’s? Not just all their best, but all the best... in the world? Who the hell do you think you are, thinking that you can just give away the world’s entire best? Well, I’m keeping mine, god damnit! And if that shit is not proof enough that people don’t understand the concept of ‘best’, just look at how overused it has become in various expressions, all throughout society. Best man, man’s best friend, the best for last, best of the best? Come on! How could a movie ever be a good with a title like that? It doesn’t even make any sense. It makes even less sense that they made three sequels. And what was James Earl Jones doing in the first one? And what was Ernie Hudson doing in the fourth one? Man, you were Winston Zeddemore, for crying out loud! Winston! Further proof of improper usage of 'best' is that people will say things like ‘absolute best’.

“I did my absolute best.”

As opposed to your other 'best', the one that isn’t absolute? I saw an advertisement for a radio program that claimed it was the ‘#1 BEST SHOW in town’. At first I was annoyed, knowing that there was no need to use both the ‘#1’ and the ‘BEST’ descriptors together. But, eventually I realized that the advertisers are probably only doing this to accommodate the average person, who overuses ‘best’ and has no clear picture of its 'best' meaning.

If they just put ‘BEST SHOW’ then people would ask a stupid question:
“Oh sure, it’s best, but is it the absolute best?”
In contrast, if they just put ‘#1 SHOW’ people would ask an even stupider question:
“Yeah, it says #1, but how do we know if it’s the #1 best?”

So, choose your words carefully, and stop giving out best regards, wishes or whatevers all over town, all willy nilly and shit.

That’s it. All the best regards and best wishes for the best.


  1. The Fapperwheel letter.

    Are you trying to give me a heart attack? I laughed so hard I threw up.

  2. In order to truly appreciate the Fapperwheels, one must first understand the Fapperwheels, and learn about where they come from.

  3. The sad thing is that the Fapperwheels are much more interesting than the fringe family members/acquaintances who send me a detailed account of their lives followed by lukewarm regards once a year.

    Keep it up.