More Bad Language.

I've never really liked the expression ‘buzz word’.  And ‘buzz word’ is kind of a buzz word in itself.   Honestly, fuck any snooty word that works on multiple levels like that.  You may think that I would like that kind of thing, but, surprisingly, I don’t.  You know who likes buzz words, and saying “buzz word”?  The same people that say Happy Tuesday (see: Celebrate Good Times? Come On).  These can sometimes be the same people that say ‘[BLANK] is in the hoOOoouuuuse’.  Sometimes they may say ‘hizzle’ or ‘heezie’.    Sometimes they even go the extra mile and shorten it to ‘hiz’, as in “Douchebag in the hizzz.”

Honestly, if anyone follows any type of ‘shizzle’, ‘hizzle’ or ‘drizzle’ with ‘my nizzle’, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal not to kick them in the nuts and/or muff (unfortunately, even hermaphrodites are sometimes guilty of this) and then run over their foot with a motor scooter (for increased humiliation).  The same goes for ‘da bomb’, ‘dope’, ‘fresh’ or ‘tight’.

Yes, I do realize that often times these expressions are spoken in an attempt at ironic humor, like “check me out, I’m lame, it’s so lame that it’s funny”.  It’s not.  That angle is played.  So played.

These are the same people that do ‘air quotes’.

If you don’t stop them now, they will keep repeating these atrocities the way that modern restaurants repeat the word chipotle.

“The Chipotle Pizza is prepared with a blend of chipotled chiplote cheeses and generously topped with chipotlish chipotles of chipotley chipotle.  The chipotle sauce, is to chipotle for.”

I think you are starting to understand the type of people and expressions that I mean.  Almost everything that people like this will say, should not be said.  Watch an episode of 'Jersey Shore' and you'll get what I am saying.  Scratch that, please don't watch an episode of 'Jersey Shore'.  And anyways, I have discussed these types of expressions and people previously (see: Bad Language).  At that time, however, I really only scratched the surface.

The following is a continuation, an addendum if you will, of a couple more things to absolutely never say anymore, and to discourage everyone else in the universe from ever saying.  These tend to be said by anyone and everyone, not just people that look to Snooki as the voice of their generation.  So read carefully, take note, and prepare to make some changes.

Foodie.

I don’t understand why this has become so popular, and how it has managed to propagate and become so widely used.  The first time that I heard it, I assumed it was some kind of group of people with a weird sex fetish.  You know people that like to bang each other with strap on submarine sandwiches or make love to a pizza bagel or something?  But no, it’s people who just like food, and feel that they like it enough that, somehow, they need to distinguish themselves from the rest of us, who also like food.

Is this where we’re at?  Making up creative names to categorize us for qualities that come naturally to every human / animal / organism?  How shitty is the non-eating section of your life that you’re defining yourself by something that we all do, innately, for survival?

“I love eating, I’m a Foodie.”
“Oh well, I like food too, so, doesn’t that make me a Foodie too?”
“NO!  I WANT TO BE SPECIAL! I NEED TO BE SPECIAL! YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL LIKE ME!”

I got news for you, we all like food.  You’re not special.  Honestly, what’s next?

“I’m an Airy.  I don’t know what I would do without breathing.  I mean, I just can’t live without my air.”
“Yeah… that sort of goes for all of us.”
“No, but I’m special, I know a lot about breathing.  More than you.  I know where the best air in the city is.  By the way, I’m a Watery too.”
“Yeah, so’s my cat.  He peepees and poopoos in a box.”

In the end, it kind of seems like a more friendly way to describe people with a food addiction.  Although, calling a fat person a Foodie sounds sort of mean, doesn't it?  Does this mean we should call a sex addict a Sexy?

“Roger needed to go get some help, he checked himself into a Sexy Facility.”

Sign me up.  Or maybe it is more about the level of knowledge that they have.

“Roger has the biggest porn collection I’ve ever seen!  What a Sexy!”

I like taking dumps.  And I could talk about poop for hours.  Maybe I should be a Dumpy, or a Poopy.  But alas, as fun as making up bullshit titles for ourselves clearly is, we need to put a stop to it now, before this gets out of hand.  Sorry Foodies, it’s time to find a new special talent, and to stop using that word.

While we’re at it, let’s completely stop trying to make random snappy expressions by adding ‘Y’ or ‘IE’ to words.  What are we, five fucking years old?!?!?!

“She’s my Besty!”
“Hey, guess what?  You’re the fucking Worsty.”

The most offensive ‘IE’ word out is when people deliciously call premature babies ‘PREEMIES’.  Is it supposed to make it sound cuter?  Well, it sounds gross, and frankly, I feel like it downplays the whole situation quite a bit.  No offense to all the Preemies out there.  Also, it rhymes with ‘creamy’, and somehow, that’s really fucked up to me.

I think the original hip and cool ‘IE’ word was ‘Hippies’, and seriously, don’t we all just hate hippies?  Not just for the smell, but because they’re awful?  So why follow that blueprint?

In conclusion, fuck you, self proclaimed Foodies.

But before I close the topic of these so-called food experts, for the love of God, everyone stop saying ‘Fast-Casual’.  It’s fast food.  Just because it costs more and looks nicer, doesn’t change what it is.  It is food, given to you fast, that you eat fast.  Afterwards, you feel shame (and a little bit of pre-diarrhea tummy rumbling).  That’s fast food.

It is what it is.

Of all of the ‘non statements’ out there, “it is what it is” is by far the most vague and useless.  It is applicable in virtually any situation, and yet, brings absolutely nothing to the table.  Why not say “it isn’t what it isn’t”? Or “it does what it does”? Or “it schnooblers what it schnooblers”?

The same people that over use “it is what it is” also seem to flock to the expression “that being said”, which is another choice ‘non statement’.  I call these ‘non statements’ because you could replace them in the conversation with complete silence or even with a mild, possibly nervous, fart, and pretty much have the same impact.

“I know it sucks, but, it is what it is.”
VS.
“I know it sucks, but… [squeeeeeeeeeeeeee]…”

No difference to the listener.  Except smell.  If anything, the nervous fart has more impact.

“They sure do use the word ‘chipotle’ a lot.  That being said, the Chipotle Pizza is delicious.”
VS.
“They sure do use the word ‘chipotle’ a lot… [squeeeeeeewawawawawpwent]…  The Chipotle Pizza is delicious.”

It actually feels more from the heart, with that big ol’ mild and nervous fart*.

So, join me in boycotting these expressions.  If we continue to work on ourselves, and avoid such annoying expressions, eventually, we may be able to all unite together as one gigantic happy family.  Someday, one day…  That being said, I don’t see it happening anytime soon.  It is what it is.

That’s it.  I'm late for my Foodie tour of the city!

*: from ‘Highway 10 Revisted: The Musical’

Express Yourself, Again.

While I have previously discussed the idea of awesome expressions that disappear (see: Express Yourself), I don’t feel like I have even scratched the surface of the world of slang, be it good or bad.  Please follow along with me, as I list some more words and expressions and explain why we need to work together to bring them back into circulation.

!) Bad.

I miss being able to say something is bad, to mean that it is good.  At some point someone thought bad-ass just made more sense, I guess.  Instead of “that’s a bad skateboard you got” it became “that’s a bad-ass skateboard you got”. Why?  What is this need to add 'ass' to everything.  Don’t we have enough 'ass' as it is (feel free to add whatever mental picture you want, whether it’s some Kardashian, a parade of Biggest Loser contestants, or some reality show about sexy people)?  Bad was doing just fine on its own, sans 'ass'.  This tends to happen with lots of words though.  Cheap becomes cheap-ass, lame is lame-ass and so on and so forth.  Drop the 'ass' act people. 

On a side note, do you think it was Michael Jackson that made everyone uncomfortable and in turn made it no longer cool to call something bad?  Too soon?

@) Bumblast.

On the topic of ass, we used to often employ the term bumblast.  Now it was generally used in derogatory schoolyard conversations attached to a lot of the other homophobic insults hat were thrown about so hastily back then and perhaps that was why it disappeared.  The homophobia needs to stay gone, but it is a shame, really, that we weren't able to hold on to 'bumblast'.  Because, rather than use this in a way like “oh yeah, well you and Max like to bumblast each other all night long” we could simply use it in a more adult conversation.

“I’m into anal.”

That doesn’t sound too appealing at all.  It sounds all icky and scientific.

“I’m into BUMBLASTING.”

Hell yes – sign me up, like a rocket to the moon! Now that sounds like fun.

#) Sucks the bag.

When something really sucks, we used to say that it 'sucks the bag'.  It’s brilliant because it leaves it up to you the listener to decide what kind of bag it actually is, what is contained within the bag, and how you would go about successfully sucking on it.  Is it the bag itself, or what is contained within the bag?  So many questions... If you have ever heard Louis CK’s routine about sucking a bag of dicks, you’ll understand the gist of what I am saying here.

How could we have let this one fade away? 

$) Poser.

I think poser died along with the grunge movement and the word ‘shaft’.  Essentially it means the same thing as phoney, but it just feels more insulting, doesn’t it?  I understood why ‘whigger’ died, because frankly, it is offensive on numerous levels, but poser is so wholesome and real.  There is something to be said about an insult that sounds so gentle and yet calls to question a person’s entire existence.

“Nice hat, poser.”

It’s like weenie (see: Weenie Roast) or party pooper.  It may sound wholesome, but no one wants to be one.

%) Japanimation.

At some point this became Anime, and personally I don’t think that it has the same ring to it, at all.  Japanimation doesn’t sound nerdy or dorky, it just sounds like exactly what it is.  It's fun to say, unlike Anime (pronounced like a Spanish word or something... what the fuck) or Manga or stupid words like that sound like something off of the periodic table of the elements, which in turn, makes them sound even nerdier and thus even lamer.  Maybe I just exposed my nerdiness by referring to the elements, but whatever.  At least I don’t watch Anime.  I watch Japanimation.

There are tons more trash talking words that I can think of that don’t get the airtime that they used to, like dickwad, shit for brains or numbnuts.  While I won’t get into every one of them here, do your best to revive cool old insults, expressions and slang.  Start with the ones I have discussed, but then, come up with your own list of forgotten gems that we can all work on together as one harmonious society.

That’s it.  I’ve got a big-ass headache.

Watch Your Mouth.

There are plenty of situations that arise when a person’s brain filter doesn't catch a nugget of truth on its way past the vocal cords and out of the mouth, causing a person to say something that creates an awkward and uncomfortable situation for all of those involved.  This is often referred to as putting your foot in your mouth.  I’m not going to discuss that here.  Out of context, there is no way for me to know what is or isn't appropriate to say in whatever situation you are in.  Clearly saying something along the lines of “kind of like how your mother used to be an actual prostitute in a real brothel” is probably not something you want to say.  If you have the nerve to blurt out things that are obviously taboo, then you may very well deserve whatever shunning will certainly follow.  What I would like to do is help you avoid certain situations in which you may accidentally say something embarrassing because you did not realize what it could mean, or be interpreted as, as you were actually saying it.

"BLANK my ass."

Sometimes you will hear something that you think is bullshit, and you will wish to call bullshit on the person that said it.  An expression, that is not too uncommon is ‘BLANK my ass’.

“That Jeremy Fapperwheel sure is talented.”

“Talented my ass!”

In this case, clearly you did not agree that Fapperwheel had any talent.  This is totally acceptable.  You just need to be careful what sort of statement you are using this on.  It can get you into a strange predicament.

“So you don’t think he has any talent?”

“No, I really don’t think Jeremy Fapperwheel is all he is cracked up to be.”

“What are you saying? Come on, man!” 

“Come on my ass!”

“…”

Once the awkward silence subsided, the two relative strangers went about their day, as if no sexual advances had in fact been made.

"Don’t BLANK me."

Similar to ‘BLANK my ass’, you really just need to make sure that what you are putting into this context can’t be taken in a different direction.

“You honestly think that your mullet is cool?  Whatever dude.”

“Don’t whatever me!”

That sounds ok, I suppose.  It’s a bit lame, but it works.

“You honestly think that your rat tail is cool? Come on, man!”

“Don’t come on me!”

On top of the discomfort you both will feel, if anyone else is in ear range of your conversation, they may start to question what’s going on in your cubicle.  I guess maybe just try to avoid being told to “come on”.   If told to “come on” run away as fast as you can.

"Fucking BLANK."

I understand that the ‘f’ word is a wonderful word used to enhance many statements in today’s modern conversation.  If during your exchange with another human, you should feel strongly enough about a certain something, you may throw it in there for good measure. 

“Was Smokey and the Bandit any good?”

“Man, it was fucking amazing!”

Seems totally acceptable to me, your sentiment is both heard and emphasized.  However if you try to use it in the same way, under different circumstances, and emphasize the wrong part of a sentence, the outcome can be severely altered.

“Was Burt Reynolds any good in it?”

“Man, I want to be fucking Burt Reynolds.”

“Like… circa 1977, or like Boogie Nights era?  Present day?  I guess he was really good…”

Clearly what was meant was something a little less lustful.

“Man, I want to fucking be Burt Reynolds.”

It is all in what you emphasize.  The response that followed works in either case, but the feeling is very fucking different.   Also, never start a sentence with an ‘f’ bomb, as it can lead to you demanding people to do the unthinkable.  Perhaps, for example, you mean to inform someone that your mom sent a text to you.

“My mom sent me a text.”

Great.  However, when people get carried away with the ol’ fuck word, sometimes it gets slipped into the beginning of every statement.

“Fuck!  My mom sent me a text.”

Written out, you may see nothing wrong.  Like "Holy shit! My mom [..]".  But, read it fast.  That’s right, you just told someone to “fuck my mom”.  Time for you to go stick your head in the oven my friend.  Fucking use fuck carefully, fuck.  Perhaps this is how those mother-brothel rumors get started.

"I’ll BLANK you."

That’s right, another one where context can really do you in.

“Put the stapler back next time!”

“I’ll put you back next time!”

That makes a certain amount of sense.  Is it witty?  No.  But I suppose one could argue that it has a certain je-ne-sais-quoi.  But things can go dreadfully wrong.

“Would you mind turning the light on? “

“I’ll turn you on!”

“Shit, what kind of office is this?”

You can even take it a step further.

“Blow out the candles!”

“I’ll blow you!”

“My kind of party…”

Rather than risk any danger, maybe just discontinue the use of the ‘I’ll BLANK you’.  As we have just seen, it doesn’t work that well even when it does work, regardless of its je-ne-sais-quoi qualities.

"Hi how are you?" – [BRAINFART].

These are self explanatory.  There are so many ways in which you can respond something completely nonsensical. 

“How’s it going?” – “Not much, you?” or

“Hey, what’s up?” – “Pretty good, yourself?” or

“Hi.” – “Can’t complain, how about you?” or

“Can you believe this weather?” – “Hey.” etc.

You get the idea.  You look stupid when, really, you just don’t care enough to formulate an adequate response.

So, listen, if these kinds of things happen to you a lot, all I can suggest is that you try and slow down the speed with which you answer questions.  Sure, you’ll be called “a little slow” or “dumb” behind your back, but it beats the alternative.  I think.  Maybe it doesn’t.  Just stop talking altogether.  Give people little more than a nod, or a tip of the hat.  The vow of silence will make you look noble and courageous, or, like a creepy mime.  Either way, people might finally start leaving you alone.  And isn’t that really what all of this was about?

That’s it.  I have to go practice my 'walking against the wind' and shit.

Naming Convention.

I think that we all know that some people have phenomenally lame names.  I don't mean it in that endearing "Boy Named Sue" kind of a way either.  Parents-to-be out there, please, use real fucking names from now on.  I don’t want to name any names in particular and alienate anyone out there, or offend anyone, but I will use an example to illustrate my point.

“Hi y’all, meet my children Kayden, Brayden, Mayden, Jayden, Fayden, Snayden and Dayden.”

Pronounced similarly, this batch of rhyming made-up names makes me wish that y’all had been doing less impregnayden and more masturbayden.  Guess what?  You’re kids will grow up and want to trayden their name for a new one.  Oh yeah, I just done and went for it.  Now, I realize that I could have enhanced the example by spelling them all with different endings, like Shaedyn, or Gaydin, but when I started writing it out, I threw up in my mouth.  If it’s an English name, I should be able to figure out if it’s a boy or a girl.  

Poorly named people out there, it is time to start adopting nicknames.

“Hi my name is Branaeedyn, but you can call me Michael.”

“Why?”

“Well, I’ll be frank, it’s because my name sucks.”

“Listen asshole, are you Frank or Michael?”

Whatever happened to standard names like Jim and Paul and Max?  What the hell were these people thinking?  Just because it rhymes with a real name, doesn’t make it a real name, and certainly doesn’t give you the right to use it to just invent sucky names.  Yeah, I’m talking to you, Bouglas and Bimothy’s parents.  And don’t tell me that the name has some special meaning in some mystical unicorn language.  It may mean ‘beautiful’ but it’s fucking ugly.  

I’m all for having names with meaning, but choose something that doesn’t just sound so aggravating.  And if you want to go unique and special, than at least get crazy with it, Frank Zappa style.

And, in the end, I guess I did name names after all.

“But it’s my name!  I can’t just stop using it!”

Not with that attitude.

The next time that you’re In Whole Foods looking at expensive orgrainic  vegetable crackers, and there’s this kid throwing gluten-free wafers around screaming about wanting his soy treat and honey wheat ball, listen carefully when the mother and/or father yell out to the child.  Listen to the name.  You will hear an example of a name that you should never name your child.  Take note of it, if needs be, and create a list.  Don’t limit yourself to Whole Foods.  Do this anywhere.  Anytime you hear a lame name come out of the mouth of lame parents scolding their lame child, write it down in your lame name journal for safekeeping, so that we can stop the cycle of insanity once and for all.

I’m not normally like this, but some kid named Haedyn Bralaedyn just kicked me in the shins and punched me in the nuts.

That’s it.  Jnaeden is asking for me.

A Brief Pause.

Not all punctuation is created equal.  This much I know.  The ‘holier-than-thou’ Period has always enjoyed a nice prestigious spot by being the ending point to almost every sentence.  As if this wasn’t enough, it is also the only mark of punctuation that can be spoken aloud to accentuate and drive a point home even more clearly.

“You are the world’s worst employee PERIOD”

"Excellent point Drew!"

The poor and often mistreated Comma does not have that luxury.

“Hey COMMA what’s happening?”

“My name is Bill, you fucking asshole.”

As you can see, it just does not seem to work.  It is not very well received at all.

When the Age of Information came along and the whole triple-w thing, I thought maybe the Comma could get some more responsibility, some more respect.  But when the debates started about the webpage notation, and email addresses and so on, you should have seen the Period’s Spin Doctors and their awful smear campaigns against the Comma.

“Who would want to visit a Comma Com?  No one. Dot Com!  It just feels right.”

“Comma Com?  Try saying that three times fast.  You can’t nor should you have to.  Dot Com for the win.”

“Burt COMMA Malone at hotmail COMMA Com?  I don’t think so.  Dot Com for president.”

It went on for months and months.

And if that wasn’t enough of an insult, random punctuation marks started getting high profile positions, like the ‘@’ symbol for email.  Where the hell did that come from?  The Square Brackets, the Squiggly Brackets, the Pointy Brackets, the Slash and Backslash, the Colon, the Underscore, the Dash… It felt like everyone was getting in on the fun, except the Comma.  The final nail in the Comma’s coffin was the tremendous outbreak and internet support of the Semi-Colon, and I don’t just mean for its involvement in the Winking Smiley Face.

“Why, separating email addresses sounds like a job for the Comma, doesn’t it?”

“Sorry, we’ve elected the Semi-Colon.  Seriously who invited the Comma?”

The only hope left was in everyone's everyday reading and writing.  Surely people still need to insert brief pauses here and there?  One would have thought so, but things are just not the way that they used to be.  With all the Twittling and Façadebooking and Toblogganing and McTexting going on, it seems like all people have the time, energy and patience for is the Period and his sidekicks Question Mark and Exclamation Point.  I’m pretty sure that the newer cell phone and computer keyboards will even start eliminating the Comma due to its lack of use.  They’ll probably replace it with some new symbol like Happy Face or Skateboard.

“wassup people??ima  watchin teh new episode of real housewifes of yellowknife… its da best! seacrest out.”

 “i cant believe ricky gervais said that11!!! who he thinks he is? :S”

“my zodiac sign changed i have no reason to live i think ima die”

“best. movie. ever.”

“that is so ophiuchus ;) … i heart astrology!”

“i had lots of sex today now my peepee hurts 8==o”

Maybe we should dub this the Age of Too Much Information.  Granted if I have to hear one more person actually say “TMI” out loud, I’ll shit my pants, and then possibly throw some at them (see: Bad Language).  So much sharing going on of personal details and whatnot, and yet there is so little punctuation used during their display.  And don’t get me started on all of the grammar issues and lack of capital letters.  For now let’s stay focused on punctuation.  

The Period and his smug team of hipster elitists have clearly won this round, but let’s not let them win the battle.  If ever I seem a tad bit Comma-Happy, I do apologize, but it’s time to help out the little guy, the underdog, the common man, the Comma.

Fight the good fight, use the Comma.

That’s it.  PERIOD.

Bad Language.

While I do feel that some expressions die out before their time, there are definitely some expressions that hang on far too long, well past the point of being totally played out. Usually the way an expression fizzles is that someone exceedingly lame gets a hold of it, and completely ruins it for everyone else. Picture people still spouting the “whazaap” catch phrase from those fucking beer commercials and you’ll know the type of people that I mean. They may even be the same people that would wish you a "Happy Tuesday" (see: Celebrate Good Times? Come On.). Sometimes the expressions that they use were never even that cool to begin with (once again, “whazaaap” comes to mind), and yet somehow they infect the language and become widely used in everyday conversation.

The following is a list of expressions and sayings and things that I would like to do away with immediately, as they have either outlived their relevance and usefulness, were never relevant or useful to begin with, or just should have never become as widespread and popular as they have. They also tend to piss me off every time that I hear them, and I would usually like to kick the perpetrator in the nuts and/or boobies.

1) “Old School”

The popularity of the movie of the same name only worsened the needless propagation of this expression that I personally feel no one really understood in the first place. For something to be of the old school, it needs to be something that used to be the standard practice and has since been replaced by some new standard practice, a.k.a., the new school. This is not how most people use it.

“Oh man, what you eatin’? Fuckin’ fishsticks? Man that shit is old school.”

“There’s like this old school dude standing on the corner peeing.”

“I like the old school episodes of the Cosby Show.”

I really did like this expression for a while. But now it is overused, warped, and thus, quite lame. Dare I say, it is old school to use old school properly. People overuse “hardcore” in a similar fashion, but I’m willing to keep it in circulation. Just promise to stop using it so much, I want it to remain at least somewhat special.

2) “Man-Cave”

This has not become lame through overuse. This was simply lame to begin with. If I have to hear another dickhead talk about his man-cave I think I might shove my boot directly up his man-cave.

“Aw fuck yeah, this is perfect for my man-cave, yeah, fuckin’ flatscreen right there get my beer on, fuckin’ pool table, fuckin’ burgendyblooblooblearghenshpieldoods!!!!!!!! I’M A FUCKIN’ MAN!”

The expression is lame enough, but behind it is a whole adulescent mentality of dudes and whatnot trying to hang on to their college heydays in some sort of bizarre nostalgia for an age that never existed, and that’s what’s even worse. If only the energy spent fantasizing over a perfect cavern-like saloon-style dungeon room full of “manly” paraphernalia could be put to better use by these types, like by jumping off a bridge, we’d all be better off. Maybe I should just stop watching so much damn HGTV and I wouldn’t hear it quite so frequently.  Seriously all the dudes on those house shows say it.

Along with this term, let’s get rid of Bromance, Frosh, Metrosexual, Flatscreen and Grillin’.

3) Any word ending in ‘z’, or, you know, pluralizing shit for no reason

Sure, I am guilty of it sometimes too, but I’m sick of it. Sick of it for realz.

4) Saying obnoxious sounding abbreviations out loud

As early as high school I remember cringing when someone would refer to Geography as “geo”. In college “Polly Sci” made me want to puke everywhere every time that I heard it. Now we have a whole generation of jackasses saying, out loud, stuff that was only meant to be used to shorten the amount of keystrokes in a digital message. Do they not realize that saying OH EMM GEE takes the same amount of time as saying OH MY GOD? Count your fucking syllables people! These are all the same bunch of lunatics that invent words like "Texting", and then, in turn, "Sexting". Rom-com? Tomkat? Double-You Tee Eff (Its longer than saying WHAT THE FUCK)?

To top it all off, now at work I have to hear people talk about VAYKAY time (meaning vacation… yes, really). And just when we thought we were done with the valley-girl-ish “whatever”, we were bombarded with “whatevs”.

You will notice that the people that use these abbreviated kinds of expressions are the same people that never fucking shut up. I wish that they would just abbreviate themselves.

5) “Indie”

Using this word to describe music, film, comedy, art, people or whatever is about as played out and vague as describing food as “organic”. Please note that it is perfectly acceptable to use this word when referencing Indiana Jones.

There are a whole slew of other words like “Emo”, “Goth”, “Fusion”, “Nerd”, “Punk” or whatever that have become distorted over time, and are now meaningless. You will know these expressions when you come across them, because they will make you feel dead inside. I couldn’t possibly list them all here.

6) “Recession”

Whether it’s your hairline, your gums or the economy, seriously, fuck recession.

If we all work real hard at boycotting these expressions, sayings, manoeuvres and shit, then maybe, just maybe, there will be some hope for us as a society. In the meantime, I’ll just continue complaining.

That’s it. I needz to get back to my old school man-cave now.

Express Yourself.

Often times popular slang terms come along and replace the previously popular slang terms meant to describe given actions, nouns, persons, or whatever. While I think that this is a necessity for the advancement of our species as a whole, and for the progression of popular culture in a society, I don’t always agree with the replacement slang terms. Sometimes the old one has not yet worn out its welcome, or simply, should not be replaced by such tacky new slang. I have carefully selected some examples to present here in an attempt to show you what I mean, and perhaps even assist in the bringing back to life of some expressions that I prefer over their modern day replacements.

1) Shaft.

Although it did not last long and was soon replaced by “dissed” or even “busted”, shafting somebody was what we said in my schoolyard days growing up when someone gave someone else the business. In today’s terms, you would no doubt know this as “burning” someone. You might even say “Oh, burrrrrrrn” or “burned!!!” or even concoct all sorts of insane hybrids like “burnination”, or “superburn”, or something involving burns ‘n shit.

Formulating a good burn and then telling someone that they got burned may indeed be satisfying, but it lacks the all out crassness and vulgarity of telling someone that they just got SHAFTED. A burn is something that might sting a little like, “Ouchy that burns!”, and then makes you shed a single tear. A shaft on the other hand…

“OH GOD, MAKE IT STOP!”

Followed by vomiting, crying in the foetal position, years of therapy and an overwhelming sense of failure throughout the rest of life’s challenges. It’s a hell of a lot more degrading and demoralizing than a wimpy, sissy little burn. I’d take a third degree burn any day over a huge shaft. But hey, maybe that’s just me.

2) Wet fart.

Look, I can appreciate the humour and intelligence behind the construction of the word “shart”. But let’s be honest, it doesn’t hold a candle to the term “wet fart”. Wet fart is much more descriptive, raw and emotional. Incidentally, don’t ever actually hold a candle up to a wet fart, because it can cause explosions. People probably still say wet fart, here and there, but shart has clearly become the more popular term, and I really do feel that that is a shame. Wet fart is much more elegant and graceful (the expression, not the actual fart).

“Lord Backingfield wept at the sight of his eldest daughter shamefully retreating from her wedding ceremony at the tail end of a true wet fart. The crowd stood motionless, silent, horrifed. The white dress was a white dress no longer.”

3) Dickhead.

You’re probably thinking, “hey no, hold on just a second there ya ol' poo, people still say dickhead”. But think about it. Think real hard. Do they? Do they really? Not as much as they used to. I’m not sure what the direct replacement was, maybe it was douchebag. That seems to still be a popular one. The sad thing is, most people don’t know what a douchebag is actually referring to. Do douches even exist anymore? I guarantee that if they do, they definitely don’t have bags anymore. A dickhead, on the other hand, well that’s easy to figure out. It’s what you call someone, when they are being a dickhead. Say it a few times. You’ll see how satisfying it can be.

“What a dickhead.”

“Man, that Jeremy is a total fucking dickhead.”

“Let’s bail. This place is for dickheads.”

Feels good don’t it?

I think that if we all try real hard, we can start bringing back some of the best expressions of yesteryear. I know at first you may feel like you are going against nature, but I assure you, if the expression is awesome to the max, it will catch on once again, and return to the mainstream. Like fashion, I feel that slang can be cyclical. And then you will be known in your inner circle as one of the wonderful few that helped start the comeback and restoration of a once decayed piece of slang history. You will have been ahead of the curve, for once in your fucking life. Oh burn.

That’s it. I’m going to go shaft some more people.

Best of the Best.

I get about one gazillion emails a day, and there are far too many of them using the ‘best regards’ closer. Oh sure, some people try and mix it up sometimes with some warm regards, kind regards, delicious regards or even plain ol’ regular adjective-free regards. But generally, the best regards are the most popular of the regards. But how can all of these regards really be the best? Isn’t best supposed to be the best? You know, as in there can be only one best? Like Highlander, and shit? Apparently people have thousands of their best regards, just laying around to be given out for no good reason. Personally, even if I had thousands of my best regards to spare, I’d reserve the best regards for people that I care about, and for important messages only. Some people are giving best regards in insanely inappropriate contexts.

Hi Bill,
I need that report by five’o’clock or else you’re fired.
Best regards,
Benjamin

It’s only a matter of time before people take it up a notch and start sending people their best best regards. Just once I’d like to see someone close an email with a more honest set of regards, like second best or fourth best regards, the worst regards, smelly regards, awkward regards or simply zero regards.

Hello Benjamin,
Take your report and shove it directly up your ass.
Absolutely no regards at all whatsoever, not even one single regard,
Bill

When letters or emails are outside of the formal business kind of context, people tend to gravitate towards best wishes instead of the regards. But the same logic should still apply. There is always that family of assholes that sends out some long Christmas letter to everyone they’ve ever met to update them with every single thing that has happened to them over the last year, no matter how personal it may be, and how private it should have remained. I’m sure you know the kind of letter that I mean. And it always ends with wishes, but not just any wishes, the best wishes.

Dearest Fapperwheel Fanclub Member,

This year was another roller coaster of a whirlwindy year for the Fapperwheel clan. The family’s patriarchal figure Benjamin Fapperwheel was promoted early in the year and has succeeded just tremendously in his new role as the guy that stands on the side of the road in a Spiderman costume to entice people to come and buy roses at the flower shop. He gets to make his own sign, with an arrow and everything. He also has a Santa Claus costume for the holiday season. We are blessed with all of his newfound success. As for myself, the mother hen, Tiffany Fapperwheel, I was let go mid-June from my position at the Bouncing Titties Buffet and Salad Bar. Rather than get down on myself for too long, I turned it around into an opportunity and started giving dancing classes at the local YMCA. Once the initial protests died down, the classes became quite popular, although many of the class members were overweight unemployed men who refused to participate, and just liked to watch. The tips have been generous though!

Our youngest son Jeremy Fapperwheel is settling in well at his new high school, where the other kids have nicknamed him the Whiz Kid. Not because he is smart, at all, but simply because of his continuous and frequent need to urinate, often accidentally. We all feel that this is a vast improvement over his former school’s nickname for him, Piss Face. Keep it up Piss Face, I mean, Whiz Kid! Our middle child, Dandylion Fapperwheel, a.k.a. Dandy the Amazing, has continued to AMAZE audiences at children birthday parties the county over with her magic act. Contrary to what you may have read in the paper, the parent’s of that particular child dropped the charges in the end, admitting that the burns were not so severe after all, and that in all likeliness her hair would probably grow back just fine, and the same color as before. With a lot of careful editing, a little movie magic, and frequent use of the star wipe, she just completed her video portfolio to send off to clown college, so keep your fingers and toes crossed for her!

Our eldest son, and other middle child, Benjamin Fapperwheel IV, is following in his father’s footsteps by dropping out of school to pursue a career at the car wash, being the guy standing on the roadside trying to get people to turn in and get their car washed. We’ve never been more proud! Our eldest daughter, Britney Fapperwheel, got knocked up at some point this past summer and is planning to marry early in the New Year, you know, before the baby comes, to some real asshole, quite possibly not even the father of the kid. Check your mailboxes soon for the invitations! The ceremony and reception will be held at the Chuck E. Cheese in town where she works, where she usually can be found cleaning the balls one by one from the ball pit where the kids play and pee. She just loves big ol’ shiny balls! Our hearts are just bursting with excitement and joy!

I would like to end on a small note about our two beautiful dogs Prick and Von Johnson Woofenwiener. They’re dead.

All our love and best wishes,
The Fapperwheels

Now that they have used up all of their love as well as their best wishes, one would assume and maybe hope that they would have very little to live for. But don’t get too excited, somehow, they’ll be back, year after year, with all new love and shiny new best wishes. What the hell do I want someone else’s best wishes for anyways? Unless one of their best wishes is that my best wishes comes true (or somehow happens to be the same thing as one of my many wishes,) then I really can’t use them. I doubt that their best wishes are for me to somehow win lots of money. Maybe Jeremy Fapperwheel’s best wish is to stop peeing so much. What the hell good does that do me? And what good does that do him if he gives that wish away?

“Dad, I had wished to stop peeing so much, how come I can’t stop?”
“Oh, that’s easy, son, I gave all of our best wishes away to everyone that we know. Incidentally, we really hate each other now, because I gave all of our love away too. Now, would you mind standing on the plastic, Piss Face?”

The end of letters like that should just read ‘Some love and occasionally decent wishes.’ If you want to spice it up, feel free to make it ‘lots of love and wishes’, but just don’t promise your best. To make matters worse, some people don’t even feel that the best is enough, and they will follow the ‘all our love’ motif and throw in an ‘all the best’.

Hey there Petunia,
I heard through the grapevine that you finally had your head successfully pulled out of your ass. Kudos!
All the best,
Spud

All the best… what exactly? All the best… chicken wings? All the best… aluminum siding? All the best… testicular cancer? No matter what it refers to, can this person really claim to be giving them all to you? Like, everyone’s? Not just all their best, but all the best... in the world? Who the hell do you think you are, thinking that you can just give away the world’s entire best? Well, I’m keeping mine, god damnit! And if that shit is not proof enough that people don’t understand the concept of ‘best’, just look at how overused it has become in various expressions, all throughout society. Best man, man’s best friend, the best for last, best of the best? Come on! How could a movie ever be a good with a title like that? It doesn’t even make any sense. It makes even less sense that they made three sequels. And what was James Earl Jones doing in the first one? And what was Ernie Hudson doing in the fourth one? Man, you were Winston Zeddemore, for crying out loud! Winston! Further proof of improper usage of 'best' is that people will say things like ‘absolute best’.

“I did my absolute best.”

As opposed to your other 'best', the one that isn’t absolute? I saw an advertisement for a radio program that claimed it was the ‘#1 BEST SHOW in town’. At first I was annoyed, knowing that there was no need to use both the ‘#1’ and the ‘BEST’ descriptors together. But, eventually I realized that the advertisers are probably only doing this to accommodate the average person, who overuses ‘best’ and has no clear picture of its 'best' meaning.

If they just put ‘BEST SHOW’ then people would ask a stupid question:
“Oh sure, it’s best, but is it the absolute best?”
In contrast, if they just put ‘#1 SHOW’ people would ask an even stupider question:
“Yeah, it says #1, but how do we know if it’s the #1 best?”

So, choose your words carefully, and stop giving out best regards, wishes or whatevers all over town, all willy nilly and shit.

That’s it. All the best regards and best wishes for the best.

Quelle Surprise!

Don’t trust anyone who tells you that “sometimes they surprise themselves”. In order for this to be true, they would have to do something that they really didn’t see coming in the first place, which is mostly impossible. You shouldn’t trust them because, outside of drunken blackout nights followed by waking up in strange beds next to strange creatures and/or with strange tattoos (which isn’t very trustworthy behavior either – but surprises brought on by mind altering substances simply don’t count anyways), there are very few ways for you to honestly take you by surprise. Oh, sure, people will say it, but I reckon they don’t truly mean it.

Some lawerishbusinessmancountant, doing businessy things like when he closed that MacRaffafferty deal / case / account / whatever he does, says “You know I really surprised myself.”

Artist type someone, upon completing a life size sculpture of a Yak’s penis out of mashed potatoes, quips “I didn’t think I had it in me, but sometimes I surprise myself.”

Someone, with regards to interpretive dancing on a busy street corner wearing only a top hat and some socks, suggests “You should give it a try. You just might surprise yourself, and love it.”

Bullshit.

I doubt they were actually referring to any of the following three time honored methods of self surprise.

1) The Runaway Arm

This method requires you to swing your arm for whatever reason and accidentally hit yourself in the testicles (or even just graze them, as Eddie Murphy once pointed out). I realize that this is gender specific, but I don’t believe many women are accidentally upper cutting themselves in the boob, perhaps after an arm circle, or while playing air guitar. Maybe I’m wrong, ladies, and feel free to correct me if I am wrong, please.

“Nice to meet you Bill” he said as he extended his hand for a firm shake. But then, mysteriously, after handshake release, his arm swung downwards, his arm caught one or more testicle(s), his knees buckled, he was surprised and he stated "I really surprised myself."

His testicles agreed.

2) The Back to the Future

This method requires you to travel back in time and throw a surprise party, for you. You’ll never see it coming. And you know just how to fool you too.

ALL: “SURPRISE!!!!!!”

YOU: “AAAhhh!!! Oh you guys! You got me!”

ALL: “Actually, You got you.”

YOU: “GubbuwuruuuuuhnH!!??!?”
OTHER YOU: "Hey All, I really surprised myself."

3) The Where there’s Smoke there Usually is Fire

The third and final method is probably the most common of the three, time travelling being a close second. This is when you are convinced that you need to go ahead and make a fart, but then instead, you go ahead and make a shit in your pants. And maybe you tried to catch it, but you’re not quite sure if you caught it in time, and now you’re pretty sure you didn’t? As it is happening you make that surprised face, as you clench your cheeks full speed and casually try to look natural on your way to the nearest washroom, moving your legs the least amount possible.

“Time for the fireworks!” he thought to himself preparing for relief, until suddenly, “Uh Oooh.”

“What’s the matter?” asked the Maitre D, “Why the surprised face?”

“Oh ha, what? Me? Nothing, just, you know, sometimes I really surprise myself… Pardon me for asking, but, hypothetically, a washroom with a private shower that also has good plumbing with a toilet capable of swallowing down a grown man’s pair of underwear, without clogging, would be where exactly?”

The ultimate surprise is to combine any two or even all three of these. For example, how about unknowingly backhanding your own testes after accidentally making a mess in your pants? Or how about travelling back in time to right hook your past self in the breasty area at the surprise party that you threw for her/you? And let’s not forget traveling back in time and throwing yourself a surprise party, causing your past self to crap violently in his pants, and as present you rejoices, past you punches present you in the balls, and maybe his own too, by mistake, after which present you poops yourself… or is it himself? Themselves? ... and, scene.

So there you have it folks. You may think that there are other ways, but there aren’t. But what about when you pee, and then after you finish a couple more drops come out? No, not surprising. Annoying? Yes. But you should know it’s because you just weren’t thorough enough, so stop rushing through your pee. Not surprising, part of you saw it coming, or felt it coming. These are the only three ways. If someone says that they surprised themselves, then they are either clumsy enough to punch their own ball(s) (or boob(s), still waiting for the survey to come back on that one), they have met their future selves and potentially have seen into the future, they have just pooped their pants and currently have poopy-pants, or they are flat out lying. They are not to be trusted, and you’ve now officially been warned.

That’s it. Wow, that was a short one… I really surprised myself.