“Hi y’all, meet my children Kayden, Brayden, Mayden, Jayden, Fayden, Snayden and Dayden.”
Pronounced similarly, this batch of rhyming made-up names makes me wish that y’all had been doing less impregnayden and more masturbayden. Guess what? You’re kids will grow up and want to trayden their name for a new one. Oh yeah, I just done and went for it. Now, I realize that I could have enhanced the example by spelling them all with different endings, like Shaedyn, or Gaydin, but when I started writing it out, I threw up in my mouth. If it’s an English name, I should be able to figure out if it’s a boy or a girl.
Poorly named people out there, it is time to start adopting nicknames.
“Hi my name is Branaeedyn, but you can call me Michael.”
“Why?”
“Well, I’ll be frank, it’s because my name sucks.”
“Listen asshole, are you Frank or Michael?”
Whatever happened to standard names like Jim and Paul and Max? What the hell were these people thinking? Just because it rhymes with a real name, doesn’t make it a real name, and certainly doesn’t give you the right to use it to just invent sucky names. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Bouglas and Bimothy’s parents. And don’t tell me that the name has some special meaning in some mystical unicorn language. It may mean ‘beautiful’ but it’s fucking ugly.
I’m all for having names with meaning, but choose something that doesn’t just sound so aggravating. And if you want to go unique and special, than at least get crazy with it, Frank Zappa style.
And, in the end, I guess I did name names after all.
“But it’s my name! I can’t just stop using it!”
Not with that attitude.
The next time that you’re In Whole Foods looking at expensive orgrainic vegetable crackers, and there’s this kid throwing gluten-free wafers around screaming about wanting his soy treat and honey wheat ball, listen carefully when the mother and/or father yell out to the child. Listen to the name. You will hear an example of a name that you should never name your child. Take note of it, if needs be, and create a list. Don’t limit yourself to Whole Foods. Do this anywhere. Anytime you hear a lame name come out of the mouth of lame parents scolding their lame child, write it down in your lame name journal for safekeeping, so that we can stop the cycle of insanity once and for all.
I’m not normally like this, but some kid named Haedyn Bralaedyn just kicked me in the shins and punched me in the nuts.
That’s it. Jnaeden is asking for me.
